Sailor Moon R Episode 18 - In Search of the Silver Crystal! Chibi-usa's Secret

You know your show is in trouble when the high point of it is the filler material. Which, 99% of the time, can be totally removed without missing a damn thing.

By that measure, most of this show can, in fact, be removed. And is even recommended by some of its more loyal fans.

The measure of a good show, that is not. Also, handing out powerups so soon after handing them out the first time? Yeesh. This could be trouble.

So today on Sailor Moon, we learn that scariest things in the world are earthquakes, thunder, fires, and... droids?

My mind is so full of f**k already I don't even. Using thunder as a weapon, because girls hate thunder? What does that have to do with girls floating around? I don't even know, and if I had the choice? I wouldn't want to know.

I hate myself for this right now.

The truth is... she's a MAN.

So already this is looking promising. We begin in Rubeus' Crystal Fun House, where the girls are all sitting in front of their giant mirrors talking about their completely terrible choice in fashion sense.

You dumbass, that's a fall thing.

But hold on, it gets a little creepier.

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE MORE INCEST?! REALLY?!

I'll admit, I don't know if they are, in fact, actually sisters. But this is still creepy as shit. I mean, she's all talking about the colors of death and the other one is like "I would bang you so hard right now". Jesus. And we let kids watch this crap growing up. Or someone let their kids watch this crap growing up. I'm not really sure this is all that appropriate for the 8-13 market that was their demographic at the time.

Then that one bitty says something that completely confirms my suspicions:

Yep, everyone's f***ing inbred.

There's more talk about fashion choices and how dumb everyone else's choices are, and Rubeus shows up and is all "yo, girls, quit being such girls and let's get our man-business on. Y'know, the whole killing a girl and stealing a crystal thing. Man things."

I JUST TOLD YOU, MAN THINGS.

Rubeus' plan is simple. He remembers that the rabbit hates thunder. So all they need to do is set up a big ol' storm and bam! They scare her so much she releases her energy in a panic.

Oh, so these monsters they've been summoning are called Droids. Okay, that makes sense. I get the feeling they mentioned it like, once, and it got lost in the clusterf**k shitstorm of "HAY LOOK, A BLUE WOMAN WHO BREATHES ICE WHOOOOOOAAAA". Since that's kind of how this show has gone. So that one chick, Petz? What kind of name is Petz anyway? Well she's like "I got this covered sugarplum, now I'mma be all Alice in Wonderland and go chasing a rabbit" AND OH GOD SUDDENLY THIS SHOW IS INGENIOUS WAIT NO IT IS NOT.

And no one said a single word as she left.

Then there's storm clouds in Tokyo, and she summons a thing called Furaiki, which is every bit as creative as any other monster this show has ever developed.

Soraka? Wait, where's your bananas?

So she orders her minion to make it raaaaaain. And shit. So let's just cover the basics: She beats her drum that sounds thunder, with her drumsticks made of audio jacks, which also shoot electricity creating lightning, and she has a hairdryer that blows the wind around. Truly, they are pulling out all the stops today. All two of them, I think.

Then Usagi is running around and screams when it thunders, and is all wet when she gets home, so she complains to her mother that isn't home because she is out shopping with friends. Usagi then demonstrates that she is, in fact, the laziest bitch in the world.

.... I got nothing for this.

Oh, but it's okay because she turns this into a joke about how she is what a wet beauty should be like.

I'm truly at a loss for words. She is so detached from reality, it makes the generation of beliebers look like goddamn rocket scientists. Or at least chemists. Meth chemists, but hey, that takes a certain degree of ingenuity and/or utter disregard for safety to pull off.

Luna orders Usagi to immediately get her rain coat on though, and trot on over to the elementary school, because Chibi-usa hasn't come back from her swimming class yet. How very tragic. And thus did it fall upon the useless character to do that thing which any good parent is supposed to, but fails to because the plot dictates otherwise. Also, who cares about f***ing Shingo? NOBODY.

This is how I feel when it's time to watch this show.

Meanwhile over at the elementary school, where other parents aren't quite such deadbeats, Chibi-usa finds herself with two incredibly big crybabies who are all piss-scared about this whole thunder thing and their moms being late. One of them is even a boy, and she's like "oh my god you are dumb boys don't cry grow up". Then his dad shows up to take him to cram school and now she is all by herself, without any friends or family, just the way it should be. Just a girl and her cat-ball.

Which means its time for her to cry at the thunder while watching other kids walk home with parents that are not, in fact, complete failures of parenting, unlike some other folks. Then there's the flashback sequence in the weird giant snow dot hell with parental figures we can't see, and she goes  running off into the rain, crying, because the best place to be in a rain storm is in the rain.

Elsewhen, Usagi is all like "man I sure hope it doesn't THUNDER OR LIGHTNING because that would make me shit bricks", and then she proceeds to brick some shits. Then minime is all running in the rain without a coat, and Usagi shows up at the school, realizing the kid just isn't there. Nor is anyone really. Whoops. Then a phone rings! Sorry, we're not available because we all hate you, please leave a message after the laugh, HAAAAAA!

I'm too busy to remember what a pause button is to
answer a very important phone call.

Then Shingo (the one nobody cares about) is all playing some Sailor Moon video game, which is still an amazing thing to have ever been made when you consider that:

1. Sailor V was the heavily-marketed Sailor Scout in the last season
2. Sailor Moon is the worst leader in magical girl history
3. The entire world supposedly forgot the existence of Sailor Moon, considering the mind reset thing
4. You've somehow managed to obtain the rights to use someone's likeness in merchandising, without actually getting the permission of the person or paying them the royalties for it
5. Assuming you ignore all of the previous, they've somehow managed to make an entire video game in less than two months that is, despite all odds, PLAYABLE
6. Or that, despite EVERYTHING ELSE on this list, Shingo is still able to get a brand new video game.

It's a curse, being able to analyze things like this. Truly, it is a curse. So eventually he yells at the thing which makes him lose his game, and by the time he picks up the phone, turns out it's Usagi, checking in to see if Chibi-usa has shown up yet.

Ooh a whole twenty minutes. Did you check under
the couch cushions? That's a good place to start.

Then Shingo's like "Man she hasn't shown up, go find her you stupid bitch ass moron" and hangs up, which allows our heroine to, of course, run into Mamoru. Who is clearly worried that Chibi-usa is missing. Then the lightning comes and she grabs onto him and you just know they are totally gonna get hatemarried someday.

You've gotten too old for me. I'm into elementary kids now.

He all gives her the cold shoulder and is all "let's go find the kid" and she's like "Man, you act like a dick towards me, but when it involves her you're all excitable and shit" and he's like "yo, can we not talk about my rampant pedophilia for now and find me some sweet piece of pink-haired tail because you just ain't doin' it for me right now".

You sick f**k.

Off they run into the rain, and Usagi manages to say the one thing that will set back future generations of women for decades to come.

Fifty Shades of Moon!

Meanwhile, Ami and Mako are enjoying their sweet ass time sitting in an ice cream shop or something, watching those two morons running through the rain, all talking about how well they seem to be getting along despite being broken up and shit. Because you can totally tell a lot about a guy holding an umbrella running away from a girl in a rain poncho. From inside a restaurant. Twenty feet in the air. Behind a wall of glass.

Character narration that makes little sense other than delivering information we already know! Love it.

Then Rei and Minako show up to join the other two, being all girl power and shit, because Rei always has to pose when she dresses normally for some reason.

But then I was like, I would look totes boss if I stand
just like this with my hand on my hip.

The girls are all "what a coincidence we are all here bumping into each other!" and Ami is like "I was only studying EVERY SUBJECT IN SCHOOL when that bitch showed up" and I'm all WE F***ING GET IT YOU ARE SMART. JESUS. So now they're all sitting at the table, talking about their favorite subject: Just how useless Usagi is. They read my mind. Cue the commercial break.

Upon the return it is still raining, but little does anybody know that a mere twenty feet below where the girls are meeting, Chibi-usa has decided to become a hobo in the alley right next to the building where the others happen to be eating. Because that's the sort of thing you do in Japan when nobody picks you up from school. You become a hobo. True facts.

Some other kid with theiir mom passes by talking about being hungry, and she decides, to hell with being a hobo, she wants to go home. So she starts talking to her magical cat-ball's eye. It's name is Puu.

TIME TRAVEL WOW GEE WE NEVER SAW THAT
ONE COMING AT ALL NOPE NEVER.

Then the first big plot-bomb gets dropped, yeah she can travel through time, but she needs the Silver Crystal to save her mother. That means, you don't get to time travel till you do that thing you were sent here to do. Because hey, let's face it, we don't want you f***ing up the timestream any more than it already is.

Of course this makes her cry, and Puu decides to just stop talking, and then lightning all over the place and cue the little child freakout and her screaming about wanting to go home. She tries to activate the key, even thoguh she was told it is dangerous, and the world goes f***ing nuts.

Well it sure ain't Sparta that's for sure.

Ami is quick to point out the science facts: GEE LOOKS LIKE EARTH LOST ITS GRAVITY. BRILLIANT F***ING DEDUCTION I WONDER WHAT LED YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION. Of course, that's only inside the building, outside, everything is just fine. Then she lets out one of the creepiest laughs I've ever heard in this show, and now she terrifies me.

At this point Chibi-usa cries and reveals her crescent and that dark lady is all "found her, go get 'em little drummer girl" and Mamoru and Usagi are all "SHIT, THE PLOT WAS THE OTHER WAY!"

Feel my heartbeat to the beat of the drum...

So now Chibi-usa has a monster on her tail, and of course, leave it to our brainless leader to come wandering onto the scene without the man to save her (but don't worry, he'll be back to do just that soon enough). Though, as soon as she enters the building to try and help the kid, she discovers there is no more gravity, which is perfectly fine for the badguy, since she just kind of flies anyway. So much for saving the day.

Then the other four girls see Chibi-usa, and the monster wielding the incredibly dangerous-looking blowdryer in her general direction, and I have to ask myself: Didn't they use this particular weapon once already this season? The answer is yes, yes they did, but they're going to do it again anyway, because recycling is good.

Far as attack names go, that one's pretty lame.

Then all five girls get knocked out and Usagi transforms into Sailor Moon. Chibi-usa wakes up in time to see Sailor Moon arriving on the scene, wondering what is going on here. Then she delivers the usual terrible speech of how she is totally going to own her face, and the other girls wake up in time to see Sailor Moon get her ass totally handed to her instead.

But of course, the rose comes in to bust open the drum, because Tuxedo Mask makes his requisite appearance, complete with quote about how a drum is supposed to be used, and he throws a few more roses because he has a surplus of them today. Then comes the Moon  Princess Elimination, which reminds us that, once again, Sailor Moon is shit in a fight. Petz shows up and is all like "argh this sucks" and that blueberry blonde is all like "you suck" and she's all "f**k you antigravity is weird shit" and they leave.

Then Tuxedo Mask says "good job" and goes to jump away, but gravity pulls him down long enough for him to... slip on a can and just kind of float around? Then Chibi-usa is all "yeah, my fault" and does THE WORST POSSIBLE THING EVER ON CAMERA. Brace yourselves. I mean it.

AN UPSKIRT OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD? TOTALLY OKAY.

Then she goes and fixes that gravity thing right quick, and they ask her what's going on, and she's all "I just wanted to go home!" So where's home? Well duh, it's where her mom and dad are. But where are her mom and dad? She doesn't want to answer, but Sailor Moon is all "dude, just tell me what I can do to help" and she starts to have some sort of bizarre acid trip, where the sound of Puu sounds exactly like Usagi. Well, like a distorted Usagi. It's genuinely creepy.

But then Tuxedo Mask is all "leave that girl alone she is mine" and the little girl runs over and they do the Phantom of the Mask routine.

Did you honestly think that was a joke? For shame.

Then the pedo and the little girl walk home. All the way home. As Tuxedo Mask. And Usagi is all pissy but it's okay because he's totally in love with her. Just like he was in love with her when he was like "yeah my people are about to invade your kingdom, sorry 'bout that". Or like he was in love with her when he tried to beat her up to get his memory back. Or when he tried to kill her because HE WAS F***ING EVIL AND MIND CONTROLLED.

All I'm saying is... this girl has some serious f***ing issues to work through. Then there's a rainbow and it's a fairy tale ending.

In that the ending is pretty shit and nobody's really sure if there was actually any point to the story in the first place besides being weird as f**k.

You guys have read fairy tales right? Because if you haven't you should. They make way more sense than this, and those have legitimate talking animals and shit.

Just saying.