Wanna Be the Strongest! Episode 08 - The Power of the World Champ

As we creep closer and closer to that holiday where we give thanks and gorge our fat faces full of carbohydrates-laden foodstuffs, here I am finding myself watching yet more terrible anime. What does this make me thankful for, you may ask?

Come back and ask me tomorrow because right now I haven't got a damn clue what this is supposed to make me thankful for.

Already, this episode is starting off on a high point. Just take a look at one of the first frames we get to see from the very start of the episode.

That looks pretty good for a student animation. Wait,
what do you mean this is on television?!

Then blonde there points at Sakura and is all "yeah you're mine bitch" and everyone freaks out, and then she's talking with Misaki and she's all like "hey, remember that thing I always tell you?" and she's like "you mean that thing about never planning to lose?" "Yeah, that. Don't forget that shit." "Oh, okay, that sounds easy." "Bitch, I don't think you get it. Here, let me stand up and PROVE MY POINT."

Yeah. She gets out of her hospital bed to prove some kind of point and then we are off to the OP sequence which... hang on, did this shit suddenly change on me, because I don't remember the sequence with her running into the ring and streamers flying everywhere. Oh whatever.

So suddenly, it's time for the match with Jackal. Wait, what? Yeah, we're not even at the last episode and suddenly Sakura is fighting the world champ because.... yeah I guess they just decided not to try padding this shit out. So Sakura steps into the ring, then Jackal makes her debut and holy shit what is that.

What in the name of f**k am I looking at.

They go on to introduce the fighters, and there's streamers and shit, and the world champ takes off her cowboy hat and seriously who designs these costumes, jesus. Sakura tells herself she's gonna win, and then things are just stupid from the start what with flying kicks and shit all over the place. What follows is some incredibly lackluster wrestling complete with bulging vags and ass-close-ups.

I don't... how does... what is...

You know what? I had to look up what a Camel Clutch was. I'm not a wrestling guy. Those things? They look incredibly painful. But this? THIS LOOKS F***ING IMPOSSIBLE. SHE IS STANDING ON HER HEAD. HOW DOES THIS EVEN FUNCTION?! IT STRAIGHT UP DOESN'T. WHAT IS EVEN.

Then back into a regular one and this is just aggravating to watch because she just sits there for no reason letting some other chick beat the shit out of her over and over while screaming the same five lines we've been hearing THIS ENTIRE SERIES.

Then Jackal goes on to perform the worst move thus far: Waggling her ass rhythmically, which for some reason causes our heroine an incredibly amount of pain when she could just crawl forward just an inch and slip out of this shit easily.

More impossible bullshit. This is world-class yo.

Then there's some more screaming, and more not giving up, and then Jackal puts her ass right on Sakura's face in what they call a "Boston Crab" that looks nothing like any of the others in this entire show thus far.

Screw it. I'm calling these Boston Cream Donuts now. She still refuses to give up, and Jackal's grip lossesn and she starts trying to struggle her way out while she's given the opening to crawl to the ropes. Then Jackal grabs her foot but Sakura's having none of this shit, and then proceeds to go after the world champ as hard as she could, literally throwing her ass into her opponent's face. After a failed Boston Cream Donut, they break and she uses her signature double backflip kick on Jackal, but even that can't keep her down.

Of course, there to explain all of this is Misaki in her inner monologue mode, because clearly all of the strategic planning of this wrestling match is super exciting. Those among you that are internet-savvy may have noticed my use of sarcasm in that last sentence.

Then she rushes up and uses the Misaki Special on Jackal, but still that's not enough to get her down for the count, and somehow she manages to slip out, and they use a lot of still shots to ramp up the tension as the camera slowly zooms in. She moves in for another Misaki Special but grabs her thigh instead, and they cut to commercial, and upon return she goes with what is dubbed the "Misaki Special 2".

Cue the flashback sequence where they show Misaki teaching it to Sakura right before the match.

So take it, like a man.

Misaki goes on to say that if she can manage to pull this off in the match, that she could "see it, the world".

Nevermind that this technique was designed solely to take out Jackal, of course. Not that it makes any sense, mind you, except in the mind of someone who knows absolutely nothing about how wrestling actually WORKS.

Then the count comes around, but she still refuses to be pinned.

Now you know they're just making shit up.

2.9. Yeah, whatever. The crowd is going "wow, could Sakura beat the World Champ?" and then she gets thrown on her ass, and she does the "oh thanks for the fun times but yeah we gotta end this" and attacks Sakura with her ass. Then does a piledriver on the ex-idol which is supposedly her "special move".

.... since when the f**k is a piledriver a "special move"?!

But instead she just kind of holds here there for about thirty seconds before slamming her head into the mat, and then crawls on top for the pin, but she resists. Cue the struggling over trying to keep from getting pinned, oh and then another Camel choke thingy. Whatever. Now they're just flat out reusing footage from the same goddamn episode. Jesus christ this is the laziest shit I have ever seen. Ever.

I looked this one up. It's not even close.

So ignoring the fact that she is tugging on her opponent's hair, this is just stupid. Sakura is just about to give up but before she can, Jackal just tosses her aside, because that's not what she wants, she wants to win the right way. Then she declares "let's party!" and performs something called the "Jackal Meteor Suplex" and is pinned down, but Jackal gives her the room to ease up and the crowd is going nuts over this. She wraps up with her "finish hold" but once again lets up just before the count can be decided for good, because it's obvious that this fight is being thrown in such a way that Sakura could actually win. Theoretically. But then they just ruined it.

... is this seriously a Jesus Christ allegory? Because... yeah.

She then proclaims that she will take Sakura "to heaven", and performs... just f**k it.

Just f**k it.

I can't take it anymore. She pins Sakura again. The crowd is calling for her to get up but she can't. The crowd goes wild, and everyone loves Sakura again. They call this an 'epic battle', but really, they've just shown us what wrestling really is - entertainment. This match was clearly staged from the start. It was supposed to be.

Welcome to entertainment baby.

She comes to the realization that this is what pro wrestling really is. The gap between her and the world champ is that the world champ makes sure the audience gets their money worth. It's not about actual fighting ability. It's entertainment. Y'know. That thing I told you wrestling was.

That'd be your gall bladder exploding.

After some inner monologuing, Jackal hands the mic over to Sakura, who is told to stand up on her own without any help and address the goddamn audience. She talks about being a whiny, insecure little bitch who got to fight the world champ, and how happy she was to fight this. Blah blah she saw the world, blah blah whatever she's going to be the strongest and she loves wrestling and she will totally beat Jackal some day.

Well that only took eight episodes.

Congratulations the show is now over. Wait. No it isn't. There's still four more episodes left. Jackal walks off, and Misaki is on crutches, and Jackal's like "man you're such a cunt teaching her that shit" and she's like "whatever bitch, thanks for hogging the limelight" and then she admits that Sakura actually managed to go beyond what she expected, having intended to finish the fight with her Comet Buster or some shit. So yeah, lasted longer than anticipated.

There's a sexual innuendo in there somewhere, I just can't find it...

Then there's a new ED. Which I guess I'm going to have to sit through. You're not missing much: it's just the entire episode all over again while the credits roll.

Yes, because this was such a profound episode they feel the need to recap the entire experience OVER THE NEXT NINETY SECONDS.

I hate this show with every fiber of my being. It is just f***ing godawful BAD.

... next week promises to introduce a "newbie".

F**k my life.