Sailor Moon R Episode 15 - Huge Shock for Usagi! Mamoru Declares a Break Up

Well hello again. Welcome back to my hell. Remember when this show was the one I wanted to watch more because it was the least painful to behold? Yeah, me too. But now they've unleashed Chibi-Usa upon us. Even if they haven't started calling the pink-haired freak that yet (and trust me, freak is the single best word to describe this one).

So aside from dropping the ball and missing what would have been a great potential episode for Halloween, I've been pondering trying to do more of these Theme thingies in the future. Just probably nowhere near as involved as this. We'll just see what else I cook up in the next few weeks eh? For now, just continue to be thankful that I'm the one watching this crap, and not you.

Not unless you're some kind of masochist like me.

So on today's episode of Sailor Moon, we find out that Mamoru is a dick. Who didn't see that one coming? Also, some sort of pharmacy lady monster attacks. And it's at this point I'm going to direct you to the title, and invite you to laugh. I would be, if my throat didn't feel like it was sandblasted, so I shall just live vicariously through you.

Right, so let's pretend it's just another day in Tokyo, when Usagi runs across her boy toy out on the jog early in the morning. They talk about how they must be destined for one another when Luna pops up and is all "OH HOLY GOD ARE YOU ABOUT TO MAKE OUT WITH THAT GIRL WHO IS WAY TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU."

Oh, and also there's no time for this shit because Chibi-usa is missing. Now they are super worreid and head out to find her. Turns out she's just sitting on a park swing all by her little self, where she is incapable of terrorizing anyone. They show you she has this key-looking thing and she totes misses her family, then those other two come up and she's all "I hate you and the bands you like, so go away."

Until Mamoru is all like "Hey, no worries I will totes take you home" and has this completely weird thing happen to him.

No. You are NOT GETTING A BONER. YOU SICK
LITTLE!!

Usagi asks what's wrong, and wonders briefly why the little girl is blushing as she hugs the older man, and already we are into some very incredibly uncomfortable territory, which I promise you is only going to get more awkward as time goes on. On the way home, bubblegum pink is all riding on the big man's shoulders as our heroine yells at her for being lazy, saying she should walk home instead of being carried like some little kid. Who is now taking exception to being called "Chibi-usa".

After all, her name is Usagi. Even though our heroine's name is Usagi. Maybe you could tell them apart by last name? Oh but that's right, nobody's going to bother asking for that. I'm sorry, I mean family name. But who is that smart to do a thing like that anyway?

Oh, and the little girl should watch her mouth because the dude carrying her is totally blondie's boyfriend.

Yep, this show is going places. Like jail.

Oh, but the two of them totally share a deep bond that cannot be broken. Because he showed up at her palace one time and said "yeah so my people are kind of coming to kill you? Sorry 'bout that" and it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. She was totally expecting him. Even though they'd never met before.

How the hell does that even work anyway?

Of course, once Mamoru starts calling her Chibi-usa, she totally loves it, and so Usagi gets all pissy and walks off because they are having so much fun together and maybe they should GET MARRIED or something.

Did you catch that? Our main character, the one that is supposed to be instilling good values in our children, has just told her boyfriend - who is already way too old for her I might add - TO MARRY A CHILD EVEN YOUNGER THAN SHE IS.

I don't care how angry you might be, that is just wrong on every level imaginable. How can she even say such a thing with a straight face? Hell, for that matter, why hasn't a goddamn piano fallen on her head by now because of how completely f***ed up that shit is?!

Eventually they get home and the family scolds the little girl for wandering off, but it's okay, who is this big fellow they've seen her hanging out with? Well whoever he is, he's way too good looking to be her boyfriend or anything. Of course, at that idea her dad starts freaking out and Mamoru kindly excuses himself because I think he might have realized that admitting he is in a relationship with a girl that is seven years younger might actually be something that is FROWNED UPON IN SOCIETY.

I think, however, the scariest reaction is the one her mother gives.

OH GOD WHAT.

HOLY F***ING SWEET BABY JESUS IN A CRADLE IN NAZARETH. Her mother just told her to bring him over when her father isn't home. This could be taken two ways: One, she wants her kid to shack up with an impossibly good looking fella despite the MASSIVE AGE DIFFERENCE. Or, the one that seems more likely, she wants this hunk of man meat for herself.

The most terrifying interpretation, however, is that she wants to share this hunk of man meat WITH HER DAUGHTER.

AND WE WERE LETTING CHILDREN WATCH THIS SHIT GROWING UP?! HOLY CRAP.

Then Chibi-usa is hungry, and the family starts to wonder - who the hell is she? Welp, time to bounce the catball and turn it into an umbrella and hypnotize the shit out of everyone. Luna bites Usagi though, and the whole family is like "oh yeah our cousin cool". But of course, they're hypnotized, and no one listens when Usagi is all "what the hell you hypnotized my family!" Then it's up to Shingo to make the connection that nobody else could.

Amazing detective skills, little Shingo.

Even Luna somehow didn't notice this.

Anyhow, over in Rubeus' Pleasure Palace Skyliner, Berthier (that blonde chick in that weird blue getup) wanders into her lord and master looking at a hologram of Crystal Tokyo from a future they despise.

Good thing you're in the past.

They then go on to show us a bunch of other relatively pointless things, which will be hamfisted into being something called 'plot points' even if they make exactly zero sense.

There are five of them. You may notice the star-shaped design.

They have located these points which will become the cornerstone of the future megapolis (that is a word I have just decided to make a thing), and the first of those points? A COSMETICS STORE. So it's Berthier's job to fill that place with "dark power".

...needing a lot more light bulbs?

Then Mamoru has another panic attack in the middle of the street as visions assault him, and Usagi comes up behind him. He's got to do something to protect her, right? So, best thing is to be a cold asshole about everything.

I think more accurately you never loved her at all.
I mean, the only thing you shared was DEATH.

Then he proclaims love is over, and we get the best animation cel ever.

Five billion hours in photoshop to create.

After about ten seconds of seeing that image we get the commercial break.

When we come back from the break, the first thing Usagi does? Tell everyone else about her problem.

Yes because WE ARE BREAKING UP is totally a thing
you say in the heat of the moment.

Even Mako tries to console her, saying they were lovers that transcend time when that isn't even true at all! It's like the characters themselves didn't even bother watching the show they've been taking part of for sixty episodes now!

I truly doubt she's saying he's doing this because
of their incredible age difference.

Called it.

He totally wants Usagi to spend more time studying. Totally. Meanwhile, over at Mamoru's place, he is spending time with a little girl. In what might possibly be the creepiest way possible, to boot.

I'm serious, this dude gives me all the wrong vibes.
And he wears PINK.

Then the doorbell rings and who comes a calling but good ol' Usagi. He is embarassed to see her, and acts like a hard ass about everything as she tries to apologize for, uh, being her? But he's all "I don't even love you anymore". She just doesn't want to believe any of this.

WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER FOR ALL OF AN HOUR.

She then goes on to continue propagating the lie that they were totes lovers or something while petals fall from the rose right beside her. He makes the most convincing argument ever: Why the hell does he have to be her boyfriend because he was in another life? Even though, technically, he really wasn't?

I am so happy right now it hurts.

Then Usagi looks down and sees Chibi-usa's shoes, and decides that he must like her more, and walks out crying, which is the best thing ever. And Chibi-usa is all sitting on the sidelines wondering what the hell just happened, and Usagi gets to walk through the streets to some sad piano until she comes across a phone booth, where she locks herself in and just has a little cry.

This statement is just really bizarre, and a little disturbing.

More sad piano and some zoom outs, and then people are locked in a cosmetics store. There's screaming, and the shutters open back up, and our villainess of the day is deciding to take a page straight out of the original Batman movie.

EEEEVIL COSMETICS.

These products will turn any ugly ol' bitty into a hippity hoppin' milkshaker, for a few years, at which point they get even uglier.

God damn it I was just joking about the Batman reference.

Oh, and in the future this place will totally be under their control, even though I could swear their whole plan was to destroy Crystal Tokyo before, y'know, it became that? Wasn't that why they came back to the past in the first place? Then our villain lets a bunch of flyers go on the wind, one of which floats over to Usagi, and Luna watches her go into the EVIL COSMETIC SHOP OF DOOOOM. Which recommends a host of products to the young girl, of course.

Boy, I'm sensing a theme with these products.

But the important question is, if she puts on this stuff, will that make Mamoru love her again? But of course! Clearly applying fifty pounds of makeup will make any man love you, because all men are the same. Though, this sets Usagi off and she starts blowing up on the shopkeeper, making all the ladies look at her like "what is her problem anyways."

Then she goes to leave and the shopkeep freaks out, and scares off all the customers because she wouldn't let the young girl leave. She reveals herself to be a monster! Gasp.

Look at how evil she looks.

Luna comes to the rescue and lets her change into Sailor Moon. Stock footage is a go! She introduces herself and tells the enemy how mad she is about her shady business practices. Then the monster is all "Anyone who finds out about our plan to destroy the future city must die!" Which is a great way to just tell the enemy about a thing they haven't learned yet. Then she rips off of Van Gogh and invades your very nightmares.

OH GOD WHAT.

Because she's a make up themed villain, all of her attacks are based on different cosmetics products, but then Tuxedo Mask shows up for the save, and melts her face off so that Sailor Moon can finish the job. Then as she doodles on her face, she realizes she's about to die, and then promptly does die, by turning into a pile of crystallized ash.

Then he goes to leave and she's all "oh so you still love me" and he's all like "man, shut up, I'm outta here". So she asks once more why he doesn't love her, to which he responds: he doesn't like weak girls.

Which explains why he has to save her all the time, right? Right?

Then she decides to become a stronger person and the episode ends.

I wish I could say this is the worst this show could get, but I know better.

I know far, far better.

We're just getting started folks.