Sailor Moon R Episode 19 - Dispute Over Love! Minako and Makoto Face Off

I'm almost glad that I've come back to Sailor Moon again. Is this what it is to be in an abusive relationship? Where no matter how badly something treats me, every time it comes back around to me, I'm glad that we're back together, for all of those blissful thirty seconds before hitting the play button, until it begins to abuse me again and again, leaving me a battered, broken man lying on the floor crying, wondering what did I ever do to possibly deserve this treatment?

That is a thing that this show promotes, after all. Must be why I keep coming back. Again. And again. And again.

NO YOU DON'T GET IT THIS SHOW REALLY LOVES ME I SWEAR IT'S TRUE!

So today on Sailor Moon, something is wrong with Minako. Oh the noes. Then something happens and everyone gets attacked by a Jell-o monster lady, and it's up to Sailor Venus to get a new move? Wonderful.

The episode opens up with some lovely sunflowers and the park and Mina just sitting around being a lazy girl in the middle of summer watching all the hot couples. Soon she is joined by Makoto, who is late for their totally awesome date to just sit around baking in the sun for no reason. Ami won't be joining, Rei is busy, and I guess Usagi is just being her usual self - who expects that bitch to ever show up?

After the title slide, we get treated to them continuing to sit on the bench waiting for nobody to show up, but then they see Chibi-usa being bullied by WHOA WHAT.

OH GOD WHAT YOU ARE LIKE EIGHT YEARS OLD EW.

But wait, it gets even worse as the larger boy picks her up.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD NO.

This is the point where Mina and Mako show up to chase them off, and they tell the kid not to let it bother her. Mina is sure they just really like Chibi-usa, while Mako thinks they're being mean, and then they start arguing about how Mako is such a dyke and doesn't like boys at all (except for all the ones that remind her of some dude that totally snubbed her years ago).

Oh god is this where we're going with this? True love?
Your beloved leader doesn't even understand that shit.

Then Mako fires back that Mina should totally get herself a new boyfriend, and Chibi-usa is all "whoa, hey, I don't give a shit, Mamoru is my man", which of course sets off Usagi who is just now making her presence known, having finally arrived on the scene late to her own television show.

At this point, the heroine takes this opportunity to show how much of a crazy, vindictive bitch she is, going so far as to try to bully a little girl to keep away from her man, who has already publicly announced he would like to stay away from her.

Totally not psychotic.

Mina and Mako just sit off on the sidelines talking about people being unhealthily obsessed with men who give two shits about them, and go off accusing one another of being utterly obsessed with some dude that isn't part of their lives anymore, while missing the entire point: ALL OF THEM ARE DOING THE SAME EXACT THING.

Chibi-usa declares all of them being old and pathetic, about being unable to move on from dudes who don't care about them, and the scene shifts over to Rubeus' Fun House of Horrors. I'm going to run out of these pretty quickly aren't I...

They haven't even invented STARBUCKS yet.

Petz is all grouchy because look at these stupid peasants, they can't even control the weather, I mean, how primitive can you get? Then one of the other sisters starts hammering in on her about how she totally doesn't have anyone with a penis waiting for her back home, and oh, it's totally not her fault how she's just getting constantly dumped all the time, really she should just relax.

You, I'm guessing?

Then Rubeus shows up and he's all just like "Yeah, so, got a job, this time you're taking over a shop called Fancy Charms. Three guesses what they do there."

Then he assigns the job to Calaveras, who's all like "naw, f**k that noise, shit looks cheap and I ain't no cheap ho, give it to some other bottomfeeder like Petz" and then she's all up and out of there. Of course, she decides it's probably a bad idea to piss off the boss, and summons a glass of wine and a monster because I guess getting drunk is the best way to get your job done.

Especially if your monster IS the wine.

So this thing's name is Jamanen, and she's like "yeah, go tell the boss I changed my mind because I am a woman" but then blueberry blonde pops in and is like" Yeah, so, Petz is already on it, sorry." Which of course pisses her off, so off goes Calaveras and her Jammy pal to go do the job they totally said they weren't going to do.

Back in the real world, Mina and Mako are totally not through with being friends. And totally not mad about anything. Totally. They mean it. Look at them agreeing neither of them is bothered by a god damn thing. Yep. Best of friends there.

At this point Usagi runs into a sign and starts yelling at it to watch where she's going, and then promptly deciding to go in and take a look. Mako and Mina totally agree with checking it out, and hate each other for sharing the same idea. Oh, and Chibi-usa is also running around too. I hate her f***ing name it is so god damn dumb and not even anything remotely clever.

Don't mind me I'll just be over here beating my head over
how stupid this whole thing is right now.

Then the evil music plays and OH GOD WHAT.

Just remember: This is a kid's show.

So now girls are buying cheap gems in the hopes that people will fall in love with them and it turns them into... people that hate men?

Uh, what?

Uh... what?

And with their hatred this place will be filled with dark energy and what.

I genuinely just don't get it now. I really don't. How in the f**k is this supposed to accomplish anything? All you're doing is painting a damn bullseye on your forehead, saying HEY THIS IS WHERE WE ARE YOU SHOULD COME AND KILL US which is exactly what will happen anyway because guess who is stumbling into your shop now FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME IN A ROW.

Much to the horror of the shopkeepers. And her friends because she does this thing called the "chug challenge" where she literally chugs down a gigantic bottle of mystery liquid for a hundred yen.

But then the shopkeepers come up and say, if you're looking for a real love charm they have a special section for them in the back which is in no way a trap whatsoever, because everyone knows all the special high-demand merchandise is always in the back of the store where nobody would normally look.

By which we mean to say, they make you hate having
that wish in the first place.

So of course this is perfect for Usagi: a discounted gem that is special for getting old lovers to come back to you.

.... yep, totally perfect for Usagi.

Of course both girls claim they are totally not obsessed with old boyfriends. Cue the commercial break.

When we return, Chibi-usa is spying, and then a mysterious man comes up behind her, saying "Don't move. Put your hands in the air."

Is that a gun in your pocket or OH GOD PLEASE
TELL ME IT IS A GUN PLEASE.

Inside, Usagi is freaking out because she has no money, and Mina is like "Hey, Mako, that guy who dumped you? He's a moron, you're a pretty hot gal" and Petz is like "HE DID WHAAAAT", and Mako is all like "DON'T YOU BE TALKIN' BAD BOUT MY MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW HIM NUH-UH".

Are.. are you... are you coming onto her??

Then Mako declares she is already over him, and Petz is like "YEAH THATS RIGHT" and Mako's like "I just wanna find someone better than him" and Mina's all "YEAH ALLAN SURE WAS A DICK" and they turn to Usagi and go ".... yeah, you've gotta have Mamoru, after all you two have died together like, three times now that totally has to mean something".

But of course Chibi-usa shows up to declare that Mamoru is totally hers, and all the other bitches best be backin' off or else she will pop caps in some asses. At which point he walks in and Usagi gets all teary-eyed and shit and is like "HE LOVES ME YAY THE CHARM I DIDN'T BUY TOTALLY WORKED."

No, you idiot, that's not how charms work, stop making natural blondes look bad.

Not a euphemism... not a euphemism...

He asks Chibi-usa to hang out with the other girls and storms out of the shop, and he's all like "damn no matter how much I try to avoid her, I just keep bumping into her like some kind of crazy story". And across the street is Ami and Rei, who for some reason seem to believe their friends should be around somewhere, despite having far better things to do with their lives than wander around town hoping to bump into their pals.

Inside the shop, Chibi-usa gets mad at Usagi for making Mamoru leave, and they both blame each other for whatever reason might have possibly contributed to him leaving them behind.

Did it occur to anyone maybe he just didn't want to
deal with this particular bullshit?

Eventually Petz gets pissed off enough to yell at the not-customers, and her minion is all "if we don't do something soon our plan will be ruined" thereby ruining their plan, and Petz just kind of flies off the deep end and says love is a stupid thing and offers them the worst deal in the world.

That is the worst sales pitch ever.

Then the girls are on their guard and the Jell-o droid falls down from the ceiling, revealing both sisters as the shopkeeps, who keep the girls from retreating away. They have to transform but don't have any time, so Mina sprays everyone with a fire extinguisher so they can all get away. With Luna to guide them out, Mina and Mako are back to back and transform, hoping they never turn into man-haters.

Wasn't that a song or something? She's a man hater? Whatever. Cue the transformations! Then they do their whole 'we will punish you' thing, and Jupiter and Venus are on the case. Then the sisters introduce themselves as each being the most beautiful, but they stop arguing long enough to try dealing with the scouts. Between black lightning, whips, and a Jell-o monster, they're really not very effective.

Hold on. A villain openly acknowledging the biggest
flaw in this entire show, and yet she's WRONG?!

Of course, Jupiter has something to say about this.

... even though you don't deny the whole relying on men thing.

Then she gets electrocuted by Petz, until Mars shows up with a Burning Mandala because that's just how she rolls. With Mars and Mercury now on the scene, the tables have turned, and they get to prove that their power comes from bruning love. Wait, both of them get new moves? Sparkling Wide Pressure from Jupiter, and Venus Love-Me Chain for Venus?

.... oh god. Then they beat the evil girls back, and they sacrifice Jamanen to deal with them, running away with their tails between their legs because I guess two newly manifested powers are just too much for them to deal with.

Then the girls get gooped and Usagi transforms after hiding Chibi-usa in the back room. No matter what they always have room for her full transformation sequence, what with being the most useless of the group, and the supposed leader.

Welcome to the reason Hentai exists.

Just as they're about to get cut up by the Jammy-jams, Sailor Moon shows up to complain about how she doesn't even have time to say her usual thing and just straight up Moon Princess Eliminations that sucker. Battle over, no need to be saved by Tuxedo Mask (for once), and yay everything is back to normal now. Chibi-usa watches on in awe, and then they go out for PIZZA COFFEE. While Usagi chugs another one of those giant bottles of mystery liquid.

End of episode.

This amount of stupid is getting harder and harder to take. I don't even know how to deal with this...