Astarotte no Omocha Episode 04 - Ampersand of the Party

What can I say about this show that I haven't already said? Um. Well, that's a pretty good question, especially since I haven't watched this episode quite yet. Problem is, I'm used to doing an intro of some sort, but today I am coming up dry for some reason.

It says a lot about a show when I would much rather sit here, agonizing over what I should say before watching the damn thing than actually watching said show.

...

.....

Okay yeah I got nothing else. Let's just get this over with...

It's amazing how much I actually decided to stall between the cut and typing this sentence. I mean seriously. I do not want to watch this show, because I know for a fact it's going to go bad places, in the name of comedy. Except that they're going to fail to realize they completely missed the 'comedy' thing, and instead swan dive right into the 'utterly horrible' territory instead.

So I guess everyone gets invitations for their parents to attend some big school party thing I guess. Why you need invitations for a party at school, I don't even know. Lotte is all "I'm sure my mom will be busy" and then BAM OPENING.

Hm. I'm going to regret saying this but maybe, maybe, this one won't be as bad as I initially suspected. Of course, I can't let my guard down, because clearly there's got to be some kind of catch somewhere. This show is one big trap just waiting to happen. I suspect they're just trying to make us forget that this show is about teaching a little girl that suckling penii is good.

Also, what the hell is with this show and needing to include some form of punctuation in every episode title? That's just wholly annoying. As if they put it there because of some kind of stupid requirement.

Anyways, Asuha (remember her, the daughter of the guy who shouldn't have a kid as old as she is?) is all "here dad, invitation to a party you're gonna come" and Lotte is just kinda like, "I am drinking this tea and for some reason it is making me blush."

Oh yeah, you hand him that invitation, just like that....
Mmm you know how to hand things off.

So after being told he has to come, Asuha asks about Lotte's father, and she's all "don't have one". Yeah, why would she have one of those? They're ugly and have penises. And her mom is probably busy so she didn't even bother asking, she'll just drag Judit or someone else along.

I don't know she's only THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING.

Lotte doesn't even know why her mother couldn't come, so Asuha is all OKAY COOL LETS GO ASK HER YAAAAAY FRIENDSHIP IS AWESOME. I'm telling you, this kid? She's gonna take you places. Dark places. Filled with horrible things.

GOD DAMN IT STOP THAT ASUHA I MEAN IT.

This girl is absolutely convinced that, being a queen this bitch must be faaaaaaab. But how pretty is pretty? Well the prettiest, since clearly she sucks dicks all day, every day. Did everybody catch that part? Because that's the context they're all kind of glossing over here.

Not sure what he's so horrified about, but I'm hoping
the thing that just occurred to me occurred to him.

Oh, no, he decides to take this chance to ask about her actual father, who was a guy that died from Asian Wasting Disease when she was young. Okay, maybe not, but given the size and scope of this show, I'm probably not far off. It was just "a disease". No context nor any other details will ever be given, it's just the generic thing that makes you cough and then you die the end. Oh, and then there's a thing about how Lotte doesn't really talk to her mom even when her mother takes the time to go out of her way to come visit this mansion in the remotest of places.

Then Asuha pushes to give her mom the invite, and so Lotte finally breaks down, and gives in. Fine. They'll give her mom the invite. Oh but they should also give her a gift and hey what kind of gift would her mom want man this is going to be the best mom visit ever.

Lotte calls for more tea and Naoya is all "is there anything we need to prepare for tomorrow?" and Lotte gets all blushy and embarrassed and what the crap is even going on.

I'm sorry, I must have missed something. Didn't you just
agree to go anyways? Geez.

Oh, and we get like, a full five seconds of a close-up of Lotte's tail FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

Why is this necessary? WE KNOW SHE HAS A TAIL!!!

This show is finding new and creative ways to piss me off, it would seem. Good god. Later at night, Naoya sees the princess standing outside in her panties, and decides to pay her a visit, to see if he can help her go to sleep or something. She doesn't seem to mind this weird invasion of privacy, and drinks, I shit you not, the hot milk he provides.

It's okay honey. You'll understand that joke in about five years.

So she decides to ask him if showing up at her mom's so suddenly would cause trouble with her mom, and he's like "oh please, no one would be bothered by that" and she gets all mad and stuff for no reason. The next day, they head off for her mother's, and everything is ready to go, so off they go. Or rather, off goes Lotte and Zelda, while the old man bursts into haiku about how he can't see through all of his tears. Meanwhile, the others have plans of their own.

Oh god, please don't. Just please no.

Then Judit is all "Come Naoya, let us go relax", and he's like "sure, whatever".

Meanwhile, the carriage finally arrives at the castle, and Lotte gets this impending sense of dread as she approaches. Inside, one of the servants apologizes that the Queen is currently in a 'very important meeting', but hey, that's the kind of shit you get into when you are QUEEN OF THE REALM. So it's understandable. Lotte gets to wait inside the Blue Room, and Zelda stands guard outside because, well, I guess that's just how it goes.

Back at home, however, Asuha is getting the royal treatment of any dress she wants from a bunch in the closet. Panties are likely optional.

Where did you even find that, and why does it matter?

Oh, so it seems that the hairpiece was given to her by her mother, and... it smells like her? Yeah that's not creepy at all I guess.

DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING THAT YOU NEVER
COULD HAVE SEEN COMING AT ALL.

That clip looks like one of the leafs from the World Tree. Boy oh boy, how grand. I can't wait for them to finally reveal that Naoya is actually Lotte's father, and that, GUESS WHAT, TURNS OUT YOU STARTED YOUR HAREM WITH YOUR OWN DAD, WAY TO GO. Because nothing is worse than BEING TOLD YOU MUST SUCK YOUR OWN FATHER'S PENIS.

Asuha is busy thinking about Lotte, and Naoya is all "hey, you wanna see your mom?" and she's all like "yeah she's really pretty, I sure hope I can meet her one day!" and you just know everything I said ten seconds ago IS GOING TO COME TRUE BY NEXT EPISODE AT LATEST. Oh, and Judit is like "huuuuh, suspcious."

Back over at Castle DuFlomp, Lotte is wondering where her mom is, and has a situation develop.

I'm going to guess you don't mean back to the future.

And off she goes without her bodyguard, saying she will totally be back soon. Of course, on her way to the restroom with a bladder about to burst, who should she see but her mother dealing with people who can't take the hint that this conversation is over, now go do things. Oh but what about her next meeting? Easy, delay it for half an hour, she's got a daughter to go see, damn it.

Did you seriously just tell the queen she cannot see her
own daughter? Dude, she like, owns you.

Pfft, like she gives two shits about people that don't have giant tits like hers, of course, and she tells them to just make it happen anyway because, well, she's got a kid and she is going to see her. This leaves Lotte in a strange position, where she overhears the servants talking about how Lotte is such a troublesome child. Yes, who is she to suddenly demand to see her mother after YEARS of being away from home? What a brat.

She's decided she doesn't have to go to the bathroom anymore, and instead is going home. By the way, the Queen? Still totally on her way to see her kid.

The Queen has a hard life. It's not easy, keeping
jugs like that afloat all day.

She gets to what I've called the Blue ROom, only to find that she is a bit too late, but there is an invitation on the table for her, and she's all like "d'aww she invited me", but this weekend is a really bad time. She'll never be able to make it. At which point, they decide to take the time to burn my eyes out with the commercial break insert. You may wish to avert your eyes.

OH GOD WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS EVER A GOOD IDEA.

Back home, Lotte is eating, and the others are like "uh, she's back early" and Asuha is all "you gave her the invite right?" and Lotte's like "yeah, it was totes easy" and she avoids telling them that she didn't actually give her the invite but she probably got it anyway so whatever.

Next up, Lotte's bedroom, because they needed an excuse to get her back into that skimpy sleeping outfit she always wears. Also, to show off Lotte's panties. It's another sleepless night for both Lotte and her mom, who, amazingly enough, happens to have a doll that looks suspiciously a lot like the one Lotte lost way back when. Oh god, this is going to get even weirder, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!

Next scene, lots of carriages and it is party time. Also, people fighting over trying to get Lotte to meet their son first, but THE KID IS TEN I AM PRETTY SURE THE NUMBER OF F***S SHE GIVES ABOUT THIS IS LESS THAN OR EQUAL TO ZERO. Then some brat named Erika shows up to ask about Naoya, noting that he is totally not the usual old guy who shows up.

Then Lotte tells her that this dude is totally in her harem.

Oh yeah, who's the disgusting bitch now? Wait....

She's totally an ADULT now. That's her story and she is sticking to it even if she has no f***ing clue what it is she is saying because she is going to one-up everyone in the room SOMEHOW. She even goes on to say that SHE HAS GRADUATED FROM MILK.

Okay. Let me just remind you that there is absolutely NO WAY she isn't aware of what she's actually saying. It's clearly impossible because she knows what is expected of her since she is a succubus. Which just makes the rest of this all the more awkward.

Oh, so you're a vampire. That's... gotta be awkward.

All of her actual friends come over as Erika runs off (presumably to 'suck someone dry'... oh god I can't believe I just said that WHAT IS THIS SHOW DOING TO ME). They wonder what it is that she was looking at, and oh, nothing important just a watch no big deal WHEN IS YOUR MOM SHOWING UP LOTTE HUH WHEN IS YOUR MOM KICKING DOWN THE DOOR LIKE THE QUEEN BITCH SHE IS. And everyone's like "oh hey the Queen's coming? Awesome."

Except that, as far as Lotte is concerned, she isn't.

Then there's a dance without any actual dancing, whole turkeys are consumed by little girls, and Lotte keeps looking at a watch while fox girls talk. The party goes on, and Lotte just sorta stands around until everything wraps up, and she's left to stand in the sad light waiting for a mother that arrives... well, too late for the party. So late, there aren't even any tables left. Whoops.

Lotte then proceeds to spend the next scene crying into a pillow silently while Naoya tries to comfort the girl, but screw it, mom doesn't care. Or, okay maybe she would care if I'd handed her the damn thing in the first place but hey, now's the right time to admit that shit right?

You didn't bother to give her the invite, then were still
disappointed when she didn't come? Holy shit man, what?

Then Naoya is all "I'm sorry I didn't know you were in such pain" and she's all shocked and shit, because THIS IS THE SUPER TOUCHING SCENE WHERE HE MAKES HER FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE SOMEONE CARES ABOUT HER. Then she starts crying and he's all just like "I'm sure she understands how you feel" and then there's crying on the chest and he tries not to pop a stiffy in the meantime because HE IS ONE SICK PUPPY.

Then the Queen is on her way home lamenting how this shit never seems to work out, and asks them to stop the carriage on the way home. She decides, hell with it, I'm going to fly over to my kid's house, screw you guys.

She understands that you do NOT argue with
a rack like that one.

So she lands on Lotte's balcony and smells something familiar. Oh no, what's this? She heads downstairs and finds good ol' Asuha asleep in bed, who wakes up to find someone that SMELLS LIKE HER MOTHER.

Did you get the wrong house?

Then it all makes sense. It also gets A BILLION TIMES MORE AWKWARD.

Possibly wondering why we are sharing a bed.

SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT! ASUHA'S FULL NAME IS AUHARIET. WHICH TOTALLY EXPLAINS WHY SHE DOESN'T LIKE PANTIES. LOTS OF SPEED LINES. ALSO LOTTE TOTALLY SLEEPING PEACEFULLY UPSTAIRS AND I CAN ONLY SAY THAT I F***ING CALLED THAT SHIT.

SO CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'VE BEEN HIRED TO BONE-ZONE YOUR DAUGHTER. YOU SICK F**K. END OF EPISODE.