Astarotte no Omocha Episode 05 - Quotation of Crossing

So, I didn't get a chance to post yesterday, which saddens me. I felt sick as hell, and needed to sleep, and had a headache for too much of the day. Can that be attributed to Sailor Moon? Probably. Will anyone believe me if I declare that as being the reason? Probably not.

In lieu of this most heinous of crimes (depriving the four people who read this thing of a single entry), I'll just have to make it up this week. Oh well. Bonus on Saturday? Or maybe a double-post? We'll see.

Today, I'm going back to Astarotte for some reason. The reason is, of course, that I just watched Sailor Moon, and I don't want to force myself to watch a hentai-produced wrestling anime. So instead we get little girls sucking dick.

... I hate myself for making this decision so bad right now.

So clearly, they're opening this show with some promise.

That kid I banged so very, very hard?

So Lotte's mom is sitting there in her gravity-defying painted-on excuse for an outfit (because seriously, what material acts like that? NOTHING!), and Naoya is all "oh my god you are!" and we totally get it she's Asuha's mom because there's no way we couldn't have picked up the context clues from the end of the last episode at all.

Oh boy we've got Hearts and Spades quadrants here...
this is quite the complex troll relationship.

And of course the queen is all excited again to see her other daughter because why not? It's been like, ten years or something? She's gotten so big! Congrats by the way because you are totally a better succubus than the actual succubus and that is an INCREDIBLY DISTURBING THOUGHT IF YOU REMEMBER SHE HATES PANTIES.

If you don't get it, try not to think about it too hard. And if you do get it? I'm sorry. I hope you have a wastebasket handy because this is the first fifteen seconds and it can only go downhill from here.

Of course Naoya gets all mad when she asks about why he's here, and he's all like, "Man, I got so much shit to say to you lady, it's not even funny!" and starts going on about how she totally raped him when he was younger, and then she up and vanished and showed up three years later to drop off Asuha, then left again to become Queen because...

Frankly, I'm not entirely sure why she would have left Asuha with him. Maybe because she just wasn't demonic enough? Whatever.

But of course, this only pisses the queen off, who calls him an idiot and flies off, leaving him wondering what exactly he's managed to do wrong.

Well, getting hired to bone your own daughter is a
pretty good way to piss anyone off...

And of course, Asuha is the one to state the obvious: Her mom just totally flew away.

So in case you weren't following, Asuha and Lotte are sisters. They may even have the same father (very likely). The question here is, why doesn't Lotte remember Asuha? And why did Asuha go back to the real world to live with him? Does anyone actually care that there are actually good legitimate questions in a show that is effectively turning pedophilia and incest and rolling it into one incredibly distressing Katamari ball of f**k?!

The next day, Asuha and Lotte have breakfast in Lotte's bedroom. Today's breakfast is eggs, bacon, and cinnamon rolls. Then Naoya meets with Judit, who realizes just what a clusterf**k she's managed to create, and might begin contemplating suicide. It's gotta be better than whatever possible punishment demons could provide to someone who hired someone to be forced to have his dangly bits by his own daughter.

I mean seriously.

Of course, Naoya doesn't know the connection: That the mother of his child is also the mother of his new master, which will make things super awkward once that reveal happens in about ten minutes.

Alternatively, you could just tell him now. That works.

He lets this sink in for a moment before totally freaking out.

You're screwed? Yeah, basically.

Oh, but hold on. They are only 'half-sisters'. Right. So the fact that Lotte's dad up and vanished the same time that he did is completely not suspicious whatsoever. Or the fact that Asuha and Lotte are the same age. I'm just not buying it. But whatever, Judit starts asking some serious questions that are a little bit inconsistent with this particular show, in that they are actually well-thought out questions with important ramifications.

... yeah I got nothing. Sorry.

Judit asks him to keep this a secret for now, and he agrees, considering he doesn't really understand things himself. Then he goes to see Asuha who tells him Lotte isn't eating, and he has to take the time to explain a few things about her mom. She really wants to go see her again, and he gets it. But first, he has to tell her something important. Something important that you won't get to hear because they are dramatically shifting the scene.

Meanwhile, the Queen is all doing that sexy paperwork and dreaming about Naoyo, lamenting that she didn't get to see Lotte. Or her other kid for very long. Though that takes a back seat to what's really on her mind.

Because you know what's super hot? Taking advantage
of a 12-year-old kid, that's what.

Then one of her servants comes in to talk about who she wants to bang later, and she thinks hard on that.

Elsewhere, some really incredibly bad things are going on, as Asuha dresses up as a maid to go visit... her mother's harem. I'm sure that'll end up just fine.

In the history of terrible ideas, this is among the top ten.

Yep, no possible way this can go wrong at all.

Oh god damn it.

Bunch of guys standing around a billiard table, talking about how beautiful that little girl is going to be when she grows up, when they are guys whose entire job description is literally to bang the Queen?

Yeah that's not creepy AT ALL.

Of course, now that we've seen that, we are of course going to get the backstory on all of this, to discover that the big sister? IS HER F***ING FATHER.

If you dress like a woman however...

So we can add cross-dressing to the list of totally f***ed up shit that this show is guilty of. There's something inherently creepy about dressing up like a woman, and being told that you look totally f***able. Just. Wrong.

But Naoya is serious about wanting to do whatever it takes to talk to the Queen, and Zelda comes up with the whole "go through the Harem it's the easiest way".

It doesn't take very long for Judit to dress him up as a maid, leading to the situation we are already aware of.

Stop sounding so excited, your mom wants to bone
him again, and may not care what he is wearing.

And since he called the Queen "Merce-san" I'm just going to call her Mercy. Why? Because I can. With that, they are off to see the Queen!

And someone is walking down the hallway with a clipboard, and what could possibly be the most disturbing thing in this entire show.

I BECAME A SHEMALE.

Oh god. But wait. Just. Wait. IT GOT WORSE.

MERCY EXPECTED THIS.

I AM GOING TO USE LARGER TEXT FOR THIS BECAUSE HOLY F***ING SHITBALLS.

I just. I don't. What in the. WHY WOULD YOU. I mean.

The worst part is, I get why she'd do this. I do. Because she is thinking of him. So clearly she wants to rape someone that reminds her of him. BUT YET. HE IS ALREADY THERE AND ABOUT TO BE UTILIZED IN THE MOST HORRIFYING MANNER POSSIBLE...

IN FRONT OF THEIR OWN DAUGHTER.

So they're off to find someone that fits this weird description, when who should she come across, except exactly what she is looking for.

I am highly uncomfortable with this situation now.

Father and daughter get caught sneaking around, and it won't take very long for this one to make the connection... by which I mean to say, she flips his skirt and straight up EXPLORES HIS JUNK. Who cares if children are watching?

That, my friends, is one little girl that is scarred for life.

After, quite literally, grabbing his junk and exposing his dark, depressing secret, she orders him to be present for the Queen's 'evening session' that night. Which means - you gonna get some, sucka. Wear the dress.

I'm telling you that kid has ISSUES.

But it gets worse. Because you see, his daughter? IS NOW HIS YOUNGER BROTHER. Whom he requests also be present.

Mother of god, I wish this was the end of the episode because I might be approaching that KnJ moment of truth. The one where, somehow, despite the fact that it could not possibly be any worse than it, is quickly approaching that line where I am forced to throw up my hands and declare to the world, f**k that shit.

Evening arrives, and the lady is ready and waiting - and is surprised to find that things? They're not really all that good.

That moment when your one-night-stand approaches
with your daughter for a wild threesome.

She gets all indignant but he's all like, "baby, I'm sorry, I wanted to thank you for making my penis super rock hard". Actually he's thanking her for sending him Asuha, who saved his life by giving him something to, well, live for really. Then Asuha comes up and thanks her as well for being a swell gal that totally isn't whoring out, and makes her cry like crazy because she has a heart and feelings and whores out for a reason.

Meanwhile, over in Castle Lotte, she is hugging that ugly-ass blue reindeer and looking at that picture of her mom. Then Back at the other castle, Asuha has passed out and its time for the adults to talk and maybe do their thing. They use this to just drop an exposition bomb, about how she was sad because her sisters were all fighting over the crown and died and blah blah and so she went and found herself a man to rape in the human world. That was during her super rebellious period, of course.

Which also explains why Asuha showed up at his place, so that the two girls wouldn't try to kill one another. Then she's all like, "Man, Lotte hates me" and he's all like "naw babes, she totes loves your sweet ass" and he makes one request to her - something that we don't get to hear because they're using that new dramatic scene transition thing again.

The next day, he returns.

But I was up all night to get lucky.

Then Lotte sees he's come home late, and takes the time to automatically assume he is a scumbag.... which, won't lie, he pretty much is. So now she's mad at him again, but it's time to get the girls ready for school so better get right on that.

At school, the class gets together and they're all "yay fun morning" except for Lotte, who's still mad about her mom and the party. Then, someone dramatically walking down teh hall. Someone dramatically entering the room. Lotte losing her friggin mind.

I'm the Queen, and this is now Dicksucking 101.

I guess she's decided today is a special 'parents day', and the fox lady who is the headmaster shows up to explain what the hell is going on - after all, some people were too busy to attend the party, so they've decided to let them come in today because why the hell not.

This also has nothing to do with the fact that the Queen
would have me killed and replaced if I did not comply.

Then the other students wonder if they can call their parents, and the Queen declares they all get an hour of free time to do whatever, and this gives the Queen and Lotte some time together. Then a bunch of other parents all show up, and the Queen wonders if maybe she's a little too informal. The other kids start thanking Lotte for having a mom that is cool enough to force this kind of thing on the school, and she tells them to thank the Queen for being someone who simply cannot be denied.

Then Mercy and Lotte head home i the carriage, and she reveals several trunks full of insane outfits, and they laugh as clothes go flying everywhere - and then she finds the old reindeer which her mom has been hanging onto for years. Lotte asks her to hang onto it though, so that when she comes back to the castle to visit, they can sleep with it. Together.

Boy.

Oh, and her mom hands back the invitation, telling her that next time, she should give it in person. At home later that night, Lotte and Asuha go on and on about how awesome Lotte's mom is, and of course Asuha asks if she kissed her mom on the forehead - that's something you do when you make up with someone.

Like (insert weird sexual thing here)?

Then the episode finally ends, and I am relieved that they still haven't reached KnJ levels of terrible. Of course, that's all because they sweep everything under the rug, explaining it all away or distracting you with enough cute to make a unicorn vomit.

That still doesn't excuse the f***ed up issue of that awkward moment when a man, dressed as a woman, with his daughter, walks through a harem, only to be picked up, revealed as a man, and offers to bang the queen if his daughter, INTRODUCED AS HIS SON, GETS TO JOIN IN.

I need new expletives.