Wanna Be the Strongest! Episode 04 - Now This is Pro Wrestling!

Here we are again. Idol Wrestling. Anime for those who simply want to see sweaty girls with big tits writhing around in agony, and are too goddamn lazy to hit the internet up for porn.

What, you can't honestly tell me that isn't the case here, or that people are actually engaged with these pathetic excuses for characters. They are literally tits on a stick. Except for the fat one, and I think that was simply because they wanted to pretend the other wrestlers were promoting diversity.

Pro tip: Diversity is a thing they aren't getting paid to make happen.

Just like with the last two episodes, this one starts pretty much the same way: with implied rape.

God, I know. Doesn't this show just suck?

There's some more whining, and crying, and agonizing over how friggin' useless she is and how she's not allowed to give up, and if she doesn't want to suffer a crippling injury she's going to have to do something about it, cue the intro.

At this rate, they're literally just padding for time because they're afraid people might start to call them out on REUSING THE SAME THIRTY GODDAMN ANIMATION SHOTS EVERY GODDAMN EPISODE. So let's distract them by simply copy/pasting THE LAST TWENTY SECONDS OF THE PREVIOUS EPISODE. Bonus points if you can manage to pad even more time BY PUTTING AS MANY FLASHBACK SEQUENCES INTO AN EPISODE AS POSSIBLE.

I f***ing hate this shit. With a passion. It infuriates me because it is a waste of goddamn time. After the OP, reporter chick comes in to see hot girl on girl action as Sakura is about to get snapped in two like the barbie doll she's supposed to be. Her only choice is to get to the ropes to escape.

Now, how that's supposed to work exactly, I don't know. I'm not a big wrestling kind of guy but I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that, unless you are some kind of certified bad ass, you're not getting out of, and this show has already established, very well, that she is definitely not a certified bad ass. If anything, she's the total opposite. Of course, that champion is all "Yeah, you're stuck like this because you have no upper body strength, guess you haven't been training enough" and continues to mock her like crazy.

Oh, and more crotch shots because this show hasn't met its quota just yet.

So eventually she decides to try getting up into a less painful position, and is just pushed back down again, and we get an even more agonizingly long sequence of her trying to give up again only to be chastised by the lady sitting on her back.

Look, I get it. You're trying to show us how she has to overcome impossible odds. But you chose the most boring f***ing way in the world to do it.You get a D- for effort, and that's only because this shit managed to somehow make its way onto TV. This has to say a lot for the state of television these days.

So reporter lady is watching on while we get to sit through another goddamn MINUTE of Sakura being sat on, and with pointless zoom shots of her tits being squashed and her cunt being thrusted out, and she finally starts to crawl away at about four and a half minutes. That means there was almost a full FOUR MINUTES of her just sitting on the mat, crying, screaming, and carrying on. Do you wonder why I'm not throwing up any screen caps? BECAUSE IT IS THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER. Here, let me show you.

Misaki is not amused. Neither am I.

And then Misaki lets go of her right leg, and proceeds to pull the other one up even further. Are you tired of hearing the same f***ing thing over and over and over yet? BECAUSE I'M SURE NOT.

Oh look she's screaming again. Wow. Never saw that coming.

Oh look another crotch shot. Oh look we see her leg being pulled. Oh look she's crying again. Oh look we see her crotch again. Oh look, explanation that nobody gives a flying f**k about.

Yes, tell us more pointless shit we don't already know. Thanks.

She then goes on to tell us more pointless things as though she's trying to make a point to the girl who is in agonizing pain, all the while showing off her glistening crotch yet again. Here, let me prove it to you.

The only snatch that is more renown than Paris Hilton's.

Misaki goes on to tell her how she can escape this move, as if somehow this had never occurred to her. There's also another pointless zoom of her crotch, and more screaming, and more crying, and then the agonizingly long crawl to the edge accompanied by, you guessed it, YET ANOTHER F***ING CROTCH SHOT. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD.

YOUR PAIN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO MINE RIGHT NOW.

She's just about to reach out for the ropes, and I just have to ask myself: Where have I seen this before?

The end of this episode? I know.

Misaki then chastises her more and inflicts even more pain, and we get to see lots more insane close ups because the director on this team heard that people are more likely to empathize with your character if their faces/other pieces of anatomy are constantly shoved in your face and focused upon in every shot you can imagine.

So just like this show, I am going to shove my point
down your goddamn throats. LIKE IT.

Sakura reaches for the rope and just barely misses, and we are treated to even more disgustingly pointless supposed-to-be-eyecandy-but-misses-the-sexy-part-by-a-mile.

Oh yes, more horrible anatomy is go.

Finally Sakura gets to the rope, and is released, and hey, we're only SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES INTO THE SHOW. THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG AT ALL.

BECAUSE YOU ARE A WHINY BITCH WHO SHOULD
DIE IN A FIRE. YOU HAD A CHANCE TO BE COOL
AND YOU BLEW IT BY BEING A BITCH.

Then Misaki drops the truth bomb: THIS IS PRO WRESTLING. YOU'RE IN THE TORGUE ZONE NOW BABY. SO IF YOU AREN'T MADE OF BACON, METAL OR GASOLINE YOU CAN GET THE F**K OUT.

Not by being a whiny bitch. Gotcha.

Her brilliant advice to win: You take your opponent's moves, again, and again, and again. And then you win. It's simple, sound logic. Also, it means you are aware that you are, in fact, LIVING IN AN ANIME WORLD. What could make this better? Oh, right, A MONTAGE OF WRESTLING CUTS WE'VE ALREADY SEEN. OF COURSE.

Oh, and in case that was boring, here, have some more boobs.

Damn, I thought this show was about wrestling.

Her point is that you do all this stupid shit for the crowd, because that's what they like to see - people overcoming impossible odds. That's why she's the champ I guess, because unlike some other girls she doesn't cry like a bitch. She just takes everything in and then comes out on top because that is the dramatically appropriate thing to do here.

And show off your opponent's sweet, sweet ass at
every given opportunity. We got bills, after all.

Blah blah more bullshit that could have easily been dealt with in a Rocky-style montage, but instead they're opting for this bullshit and another flashback to when she called the ring a 'stage' back in episode one. Remember that, when Sakura was still somewhat likeable, and not a complete girly bitch? Yeah, me either, I've been so lost in all the boobs I forgot there was even a plot at this point.

Oh look at that, more boobs.

Did you know we're only nine minutes into this episode? Did you also know that the only thing that has been established is "this is how you should get out of this move you keep getting put in"? Did you know that I've been sitting here counting the seconds until this episode is finally over? Well, now you do.

I'm also pretty sure the sun will rise tomorrow.

Yet through all of this IT IS A COMPLETE F***ING SHOCKER to Sakura that she can actually do this, and then Misaki takes her letter of resignation and goes "PEACE OUT BEEYOTCH".

Finally, we are into ANOTHER GOD DAMN SCENE, where Sakura is walking home and listening to the shit we heard NO LESS THAN THIRTY SECONDS AGO as though they are some kind of sagely words that are so important THEY HAD TO REPEAT THEM IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU HEARD THEM.

Also, Misaki takes a shower and is met by her lesbo reporter chick friend. Or something. They talk about Sakura having talent, blah blah, and Misaki disrobes because why the hell not. They show her getting dressed because that's the kind of classy show this is, and they talk about the essence of "pro wrestling" as if any of us actually gave a damn, and we get more of the typical anime "we are gonna do this shit" shots.

After the commercial break, there's a big stage where the girls from Sweet Diva are gonna be touring and they're all doing practice and shit. Some of the girls are messing up and everyone starts to realize that the girl who is currently the lead vocalist is kind of a bitch. Who's really surprised by this?

Oh look she has an angry face again. What a surprise.

It takes one of the other girls to make her realize, hey, chillax, everyone's stressed, and the other girls are like "y'know, I don't think Sakura would say it like that" and of course red there starts to lose her shit because, well, that's what she does.

Oh look, Sakura is caught in another Boston Crab again. Oh look, the crowd is bored and pissed off again. Oh look, it's the same f***ing shot from last episode, with the terribly-rendered crowd.

They used this last episode, and they'll be using it a
lot more in future episodes I'm sure.

More screaming, more crotch bulges, and the crowd calling for her to quit and her saying "It hurts" and "this sucks". Just as she's about to give up, remember all those sagely words from earlier in the episode? The ones that took an agonizingly long time to actually get to? She decides to recall them and instead of giving up, actually tries to f***ing do something about her being in pain for a change.

Then the crowd is all "oh wow she moved," and her opponent is all "just give up already" and she's all like "NO I AM THE ANIMU HEROINE" and she says she will not give up, and the crowd is like "oh hey, that's different". They drop the one leg to make for more pain, and we get some more of those wonderfully SAGELY WORDS reminding us of what she's supposed to do, and finally some different music plays and she starts crab-walking away through the pain.

Suddenly, the crowd is on her side, and she's refusing to give up no matter what.

Said every single person on top in mind-breaking hentai.

Lots more screaming, lots more painfully long shots doing nothing. Lots more shots we've already seen being recycled to be used once more.

Seriously, how the f**k does he get the same seat
in every single match.

With the crowd cheering her on, she decides to keep throwing her boobs up and about, and finally I get to see why the crowd looked so shitty in that shot a few images back. Let's pull back the curtain and reveal their troubling secret:

They're all horribly cel-shaded 3D models.

If they weren't using a camera pan for this, I never would have caught it. Here, just look for yourself.

Now there's some quality statues for ya.

It immediately transitions to the familiar SEIZURE SCENE, except someone seems to have gotten the memo and toned the colors back a little bit so they are slightly less of an affront to your eyeballs.

But only slightly.

I guess someone figures if they saturate the f**k out of the colors, it won't make people fall to the ground in an uncontrollable spasm. This is important because the cheering Sakura hears for her right now reminds her of being in the stage like she used to be, and is treated to even MORE of those lovely wise words we heard just a little bit ago. Then she crab-crawls her way over to the rope and grabs on, because I guess this is somehow a victory for her, though I'm really not sure how.

Of course, I'm also not sure how it took her fifty matches to comprehend getting caught in the same move over and over is a stupid f***ing idea. Or that, somehow between her grueling frat hazing and her first match, she totally forgot the reason she was even doing this IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Am I being mean just to be mean? Probably, but f**k it. This show is shit.

So having gotten to the rope, her opponent I guess is forced to let her off the ropes. Okay, cool. Then she treats Sakura like Batman, and she's motherf***ing BANE BABY.

I'd insert a witty Batman reference but I haven't seen that one.

Then Sakura gets pinned, and is down for the count, but not quite? There's more pain in place, and she refuses to give up, somehow managing to avoid teh three count, inflicting some seriously psychological pain to her opponent. Finally, the three count happens, and she's pretty much unable to get up after being powerbombed to f**k. And the crowd goes wild for her even though she lost.

At least she didn't lose like a little bitch. Cue the scene where she grows emotionally because this is the crowd treatment she's used to, back when she was actually someone worth caring about. Also, lots of shots of what she used to look like before making the incredibly idiotic decision to switch careers.

Sweet christ you just NOW get that? You totally understood
that from the very first episode, f***ing hell.

Then she smiles even though she just had her back broken and she lost.

... you're going to be stuck like that for weeks you know.

Somehow she manages to immediately stand up after suffering a crippling blow and she's all like "yeah I'm gonna do it" and we fade out to see REALLY BRIGHT NEON COLORS IN A VERY DARK ROOM.

THIS SHOT DOESN'T LOOK FAMILIAR TO ME AT ALL!

More seizure warnings, and the girls backstage are all "yay we did a good job" and they apologize for Elena, not realizing the stress she was under, and she's all "nah it's cool, I'm just a bitch". Then the hug and everything is better again. Except for the part where Elena secretly wants to BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND.

No, that's just indigestion you dumb f**k.

So we go now to where Sakura meets Misaki backstage and proclaims that she feels like she's a 'pro wrestler'. No, that isn't how it works, you either are or you aren't, it doesn't matter what you feel like. You just got the shit beaten out of you, that is not something to be HAPPY ABOUT unless you are a MASOCHIST or INCREDIBLY F***ING STUPID. You didn't win, you didn't even really do anything noteworthy outside of being physically abused MORE THAN USUAL. This is not something to be proud of.

Then she declares she wants to win and 'learn more about wrestling', and asks Misaki to be her personal trainer. Please.

Sure, why not? It's not like she has anything better to do in her life. Training starts now. As in, right this very moment.

Are you somehow suggesting you do not, in fact,
enjoy being beaten to a bloody pulp?

Shut up you stupid bitch, if you can still stand, then clearly you haven't been wrestled enough in this universe. END OF EPISODE.

You know what? They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting the results to be different. So I guess you could say this show is the very embodiment of insanity: They keep showing us the same thing, over and over again, and we keep expecting it to be different.

I guess what I'm saying is, anyone who is still willingly watching this show is f***ing batshit nuts.

F**k me.