Free! Episode 02 - Memories in the Distance!

Oh dear god. So it seems that the show airs on Wednesdays, so expect your friday slots to be filled with lots and lots of homo-friendly fanfare, because this show is going to be.... well I don't honestly know. Let's just find out together.

Enjoy your double bonus this week.

Right, so last episode, we learned that all of the men in this show are actually women in denial, and the protagonist is a pouty little three year old unless he gets to go swimming. Then some dude went to Australia to become THE BEST SWIMMER EVER, and instead of joining the Olympic team when he came back, he just went straight into another local school that primarily teaches swimming.

The last ep ended with some dubstep that was far too amazing to be in this show. Which is exactly how it begins again, with them getting on their starting blocks and putting on goggles and suddenly reversing personalities. Now Rin is the one trying to understand Haru, and Haru is the one acting like a dick? What is this nonsense?

Sweet jesus he's actually a vampire shark ninja.

Haru gives Mako the order to give the starting style, and Rin puts out the competition terms: 100 meters, freestyle, whoever wins gets to pitch. I may have made that last part up, but I like to think it was implied. Then they're off, and we're treated to the OP sequence because if this show knows how to do one thing correctly, it's properly placing their goddamned intro while giving a recap that doesn't feel like a recap.

Oh, but once the OP is over, Rin is suddenly lying in bed because I guess actually showing the swimming exceeds this episode's budget. Oh, we're sorry, did you expect to see some actual swimming in this show? I thought the whole point was to let girls watch guys with rocking bods strip down to their skivvies every five minutes. Sorry if that was misleading in any way.

He gets a text from his sister which pisses him off, because that is the nature of his character I guess. Meanwhile, Haru is playing around in the bath tub.

I just. I don't. What am I watching?

Because playing in the bath tub is something he does all the time. I guess. Oh god what am I even.

So the next day, all three boys get chewed out for what they've done. What will their excuse be? I can only guess it will have something to do with what their teacher said the day before.

It's almost like you are really terrible people!

Then their teacher comes over saying enough is enough, and that there is some other famous saying that applies to this particular situation.

Lady, do you even know what a famous saying is?

She gets shut down immediately because the lecturing guy hates fish. BOOYAH. Way to shut down the newbie. Thank god he kept me from having to hear something incredibly stupid. As soon as they're out, Haru straight up vanishes, then Nagi and Gou argue about how to say her name. For a good ten seconds.

Because we really need to see this played out more than three times in sequence. Oh god now they're just padding for time. He eventually pulls a literal Bugs Bunny on her, and gets her to admit that her name is, in fact, Gou.

Now you know how Daffy Duck felt.

Then they go over what the meeting with Rin was like, and Gou is all "yep I can't even talk to him either". Something happened in Australia, but nobody knows what's going on with him. But she was the reason he wound up at the old swim club, because she was hoping he might open up after meeting with them again.

Of course, never having heard back from her brother, she went to Haru's in the hope she might find some answers. Which is exactly when Nagi gets a brilliant idea: They should start a swim club! Because if you have a swim club, then that means they could totes meet with Rin during tournaments.

That may in fact be the absolute worst reason to start a swim team I have ever heard of in my life. But if there is one thing this show has taught me, it is that making decisions for COMPLETELY IDIOTIC REASONS IS TOTALLY OKAY. So they're going to make a swim club.

There is so much wrong with this picture, I don't
even know where to begin....

They explain to Haru that they fully expect him to join the club, which he totally understands. Then Gou is busy trying not to look at him dry himself off despite the fact that he is clearly wearing swim trunks. Like he always does it seems. Because, y'know, it would be wrong for a girl of her age to 'ogle naked men'.

First of all, he's not naked. Secondly, YOU ARE ALMOST SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD GIRL. THAT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR YOUR AGE.

.... wait did I seriously just defend... OH MY GOD. What is this show doing to me?! This is the complete opposite of THAT OTHER SHOW. Christ.

So she peeks anyway, watching him longingly as he caresses those lovely-drawn biceps with that towel which is entirely too tiny, complete with goddamn sparkles everywhere.

Oh good god what has this show become.

Completely enthralled with his triceps, Gou has officially checked out of the conversation at hand. Which is the perfect time to introduce her to Haru as their worst friend's sister. He totally remembers her name, then says it is no big deal about what her brother did, then dons a shirt and an apron and gets to work in the kitchen. I suspect he is not, in fact, making sammiches.

While Nagi tries to help Haru in the kitchen, Kou is looking at the picture and the trophy, and they talk about how Haru is really always smiling on the inside. Which is totally evident given his completely detached personality, right? Eventually the topic goes back to Rin, who came home for New Year's every year but never told his friends. So sad.

Next day, Nagi gets himself some club application forms, because they've got to hop on this thing. Also, I'm pretty sure he just wants to see Haru half-naked again. Then they start talking about team captains, with Nagi suggesting that Mako take that role. Because I guess imagining Haru as a Simoun-like figure is a bit... well...

His drill is the drill that will pierce through your heavens...

Yeah. So Haru is slated to be the vice-captain, a title which is utterly meaningless, according to Nagi, who puts himself as the treasurer. Meaning all that's left is an adviser. Guess who gets to be that? If you guessed their homeroom teacher, then you guessed correctly, because I can't imagine she wouldn't completely eat this crap up hook line and sinker.

And pass up the chance to ogle half-naked boys
all day? It's like she's a real teacher! Aw shit.

But Nagi won't allow a little thing like that to dissuade him, no sirree. Because he heard a story about how she used to have a job involving... swimsuits?

... wait, so she was a model, and that is your whole idea behind asking her to be your club adviser? How does that make any sort of sense whatsoever?!?!

I really don't think you understand what her job
description actually was, Mako.

Eventually she caves into the pressure.

Elsewhere, Gou is trying to meet her brother at the school, but he's busy being out somewhere else, so she decides to drop by the pool and wait for him, completely enamored by all the half-naked men strutting about with sparkles in the air.

Welcome to Kou's brain, the perfect model of the
inner workings of your target audience.

Then she meets up with some actually kind of nice dude who recognizes her as the sister of their new amazingly awesome trained-in-Australia swimmer. Who then notices that hey, she's kinda hot.

She plays it off though, asking for her brother, who is obviously on the swim team. Except... he isn't. PLOT TWIST.

Meanwhile at the abandoned building, someone named Rin is having yet another trip down memory lane, complete with tears. Then the swim club application is approved, and everyone is happy. Except for Haru because nothing moves him except for the motion of the ocean. Oh yeah, I went there.

Unfortunately, they need one more person for the team to be approved. Oh, and they kind of need to make the pool usable. Which means that it is up to the two strongest members of the team to do all the work! Boy oh boy, isn't this fun. So they spend all day looking at the amount of damage done to the pool, and go into a MONTAAAAGE, A MOTHER EFFING MONTAAAAAGE. During which point Haru begins to strip down and prepares to dive into an aquarium.

Did you honestly think I was joking about that?

After the montage, Haru is the one putting the most effort forward, and eventually they get the pool looking good again, while their adviser sits around under an umbrella. Kou shows up, and then the rest of the day passes, while Rin looks forlon at an old photo he found.

Then the hunt begins for that elusive fourth member. Nobody is interested, of course, which puts a real damper on their plans. So Nagi comes up with a better plan of action.

Oh great. There's no way this could ever backfire.

She overhears this plan, and is clearly unamused. So not amused she is, you can literally see the dark energy radiating from her form. She is never going to wear a swimsuit ever again. Period.

So Gou starts talking to Mako about this whole swim club thing, about how Haru wasn't really into it, although he was in a swim club during middle school, but wound up hating it for some reason. Then he tried to quit swimming, maybe, but nobody actually knows. Then Gou shares the story about her brother, which is totally shocking.

Clearly, her brother must have lost at swimming. Oh the noes! How terrible. If you compete you can actually lose. What a shocking development. Then, nearly 15 minutes into the episode, we finally get to see what happened during the race the night before. Spoilers: It features a lot of high-intensity camera shaking.

Then there's speed lines, lots of water effects, and Rin looking like he's going to drown, having somehow achieved nirvana while in the pool. Oh, by the way, Rin won that match.

So yeah, he was kind of pissed off about the whole winning thing, and damn near tried to rip Haru's head off before a teacher came along and threw their collective asses out. The issue with losing is probably related to Haru not giving two shits if he won or lost, having just wanted to swim, and now he is kind of like he used to be. I guess.

So Kou decides to be their fourth member, because she wants her brother to be normal again. She can totally be a manager, which every club totally needs. Then Haru is happy because he gets to swim.

Then Mako tells his family about the swim club, and chides his younger siblings about fighting over food, and Mako finds out the old club is being torn down, and decides to pay it one last visit, during which he talks to a construction worker about old memories being destroyed.

.... and then a really creepy photo montage plays revealing this construction guy was in every single one of their photos. Although, they only ever captured his backside. Holy shit that is just creepy.

This guy is now tearing down your building.

Also, a correction: He is not, in fact, a construction worker. He delivers pizza now. A noble job, let me tell you. So they get to talking about the old days, and how everyone is doing. Then there's talk about Rin's actual last day, as well as the last day the club was open, during which he and Haru bumped into each other on the way home, and had one final race in which Haru totally trounced his scrawny little ass, making him cry like a little bitch.

Then the reason behind Haru quitting swimming was revealed: because winning had hurt his worst friend ever.

So, Mako calls Rin and leaves a message, saying that they've started a swim club, at which point Rin say sto himself that he already planned to join it, but for a reason totally unrelated to any of those losers.

Finally, the pool at school is filled, and the club is now officially open. Sadly it's still too cold to swim, but Haru gives exactly two shits about that, strips down for the fourth time this episode I think, and Kou gets all sparkly and shit again because wow look at those amazing triceps.

So he just kind of swims around despite everyone saying he shouldn't, and the episode ends.

Y'know, this is not the most amazing show in the world. While it can be entertaining to some extent, I still can't say that the characters are acting like characters. Despite them trying to pretend they are.

He tried to jump into an aquarium at a department store. I don't care what you say that boy has ISSSUES.