Strike Witches Episode 03 - Lonely No More

Strike Witches holds a very special place in my heart. I'm pretty sure it's there right next to wankstas, weeaboos, and people who kick puppies. But it does have a place in my heart. One of these days, I imagine it's going to be the part that gives me a massive coronary.

Assuming it doesn't give me eye stigmatas.

Yes. A stigmata. In my eyes.

So let's just cut straight to the shit. This episode opens up with the pretenses of wanting to be a good little anime, the sort that all the popular kids like. Which means it straight up starts recapping but not in a bad way - with a board room full of three people, telling us the reinforcements of two young girls have arrived safely. Let's just ignore the fact that 95% of the fleet coming in got wiped out all but two miles away from their current location. But hey, at least you've got two more little girls who have just barely hit puberty. So there's that.

If you do the math, technically you're operating at a loss.

Then they go on to talk about the increase in Neuroi activity, and we get our first pantsu shot of the day.

Nudge nudge wink wink knowhatahmean.

Then the girl is all "screw your armchair general theories, the Strike Witches will end this war on alien terror." Cue peppy intro.

Seriously, if you think about it, these guys got a real raw deal from the reinforcements. They got, effectively, an aircraft carrier with no working planes, a handful of sailors including a captain that was three seconds away from abandoning ship, and one and a half Witches. Because I'm pretty sure all those other ships in the fleet got wiped out. Plus, that carrier was pretty damn close to sinking as it was, considering the captain wanted his crew to abandon it. So really, how is any of this a good thing? If nothing else, it's actually given these guys more work to do.

But hey, they're thankful. I guess.

When we get back, they set the scene by showing us a castle, then promptly going into Yoshi's bedroom. Even though she totally looks like another character due to that cowlick and dark hair color but whatever. She wakes up in the middle of the night and goes, "Oh, right, I joined the Witches."

Just in case you've never watched this show before. That, or, yanno, you've just been asleep at the wheel. Aren't they nice?

Then Miyo is practicing her swordplay, and we get our second and THIRD pantsu shots, quickly followed by a fourth as Yoshi joins her. Barely three minutes into the show, and we have four pantsus. Four. By the way, I ought to mention this time includes the OP, of which I have NOT included Pantsu count (as that would be cheating). So technically, within a minute and a half, you've gotten four pantsu. That's almost one every thirty seconds. I don't know about you, but this is a distressing number of artificially-rendered pre-teen girl bottoms.

Then they talk about how you're always on duty and never get a break so just pretty much train train train blah blah blah. Also talk about how Yoshi has what it takes and nobody really gives a damn you stupid eyepatch wearing wapanese self-insert.

I should probably take this moment to mention, since I'm pretty sure it'll become painfully obvious in about the next five minutes: Every single one of these girls is based off of a famous WWII fighting ace. I was considering listing them, but then decided that there is a wiki article which does it already, if you want to be bothered to read any of it. It even has links to pages regarding the aces in question. Furthermore, the amount of detail they went to when coming up with these character concepts is astounding, because all of their Striker units are also based off of famous airplanes. Which is a damn shame, because it all sounds amazing awesome, until you realize that all of these characters are under the age of 15.

Upon closer inspection of the wiki article linked, they state that Mio is 19, as well as the oldest witch.

... I don't know about you, but I call bullshit, because she looks almost the same age as Yoshi here. Of course, everyone has the same stupidly weird timeless age quality to them, and let's just be honest with ourselves here. Despite hailing from different countries, not a single one of these girls looks remotely close to 18. And you're still going to be ogling an inordinate number of young girl crotch and/or ass if you continue watching. So let's just continue before this makes me any angrier.

Mio is all "gonna train you bitch" and Yoshi is all "yay training". While blondie is watching through the window with binoculars and treating us to the fifth shot because, for once, she is actually not wearing pants. This one is Perrinne, and she's got some sort of womanly hard-on for the commander/major/chick in charge. Whatever. Then morning arrives and all the girls go to what looks like a briefing room, and none of them are wearing pants. The new girl is introduced, and nobody really seems to give a shit.

That's great, where's our free donuts and coffee?

So Yoshi gets introduced as... a Sergeant? Not thirty seconds earlier in the show, Mio, who I should add is a Major, says that Yoshi doesn't have to refer to her by rank, because they are in the Navy. Fun fact about the Navy? NEITHER OF THOSE RANKS EVEN EXISTS. Those are Army ranks. Or Marine ranks. Given that they are mostly water-borne (being on the sea), and they are also usually on the frontlines, I am going to have to just take a stab and suggest that they are probably, technically Marines. Now, you might say, "Oh but they're Japanese". Except that they are now IN BRITANNIA. Meaning they aren't following the Japanese military structure. But most likely, either the US or UK structure. In short: Like most of the rest of this show, they are just plain making shit up.

Then she gets all her gear, including a gun that almost literally has her name on it.

It's sad that their butts are more detailed than this gun.

But of course, she doesn't need that gun, because guns are bad. She refuses to take one because she's clearly too good to want to protect herself against ALIEN INVADERS TRYING TO DESTROY HER PLANET. But hey, that's cool.

Perrine gets all pissy and storms off, and everyone gets dismissed. Not five seconds afterwards, Yoshi is literally getting felt up by one Francesca Lucchini. Let's just call her Fran I guess. She's the spunky black-haired one, and according to the wiki? She's only 12 years old (and the youngest member). So why she is grabbing boobs, your guess is as good as mine. Joining her is Charlotte Yeager (I told you it would be obvious), wondering what her rank assessment is (in this case: consolation prize). She's an American who is 16 years old. And you know, I would think that being in a military environment would tend to shy away from sexually molesting new squadmates as soon as they show up, but I guess this is an okay thing that nobody seems to give a rat's turd about. In fact, everyone is in on the joke, and everyone starts talking about breasts.

Then Charlotte introduces herself and wants to be called... Shirley?

Wait. Shirley?! How the.... you know, just never mind. It makes about as much goddamn sense as the rest of this pile of shit. Then Charlotte crushes Yoshi's hand, laughs, tells her to eat more so she can grow bigger, and spends the next ten seconds waving her mams at the girl before a sleepy and bored Fran decides to just dive into Shirley's chest. Then a few more girls get introduced: an anemic-looking Rei Ayanami, supported by some platinum-haired nobody.

Seriously, this show hurts so bad right now.

But I guess if we're using real names, these girls are Sanya and Eila, from left to right. They're from places with bullshit names, because using real-world equivalents other than America are just not something you should ever do.

It is actually incredibly depressing that the only country that doesn't get a fictitious representation is America. I mean, seriously. Japan is Fuso. England is Britannia. Hell, even Orussia is a rename, and they just tacked a goddamn O on the front of the name.

Now, according to the wiki (yes, there is a goddamned wiki for anything, including this stupid show), these names probably have some sort of historical basis. For example, Eila there is from the Suomus empire, which is basically Finland I guess. Who call their country Suomi? Or something like that. Why they couldn't just call them goddamn Finland and be done with it, I can't understand. I am fairly sure that Japan doesn't call themselves Fuso - they call themselves Nihon. Or Nippon. Whatever. I am through caring about pointless bullshit, because it's these sorts of things that drive me absolutely nuts about this show - they focus on all the stupid, inane little details that could have made this show pretty decent, and instead made it all about little girls who flash their unmentionables at you every forty seconds. Oh, and them also blowing things up. Let's not forget that.

If you're going to make a trashy show, why even bother trying to give it any sort of historical basis? Why? That's the thing I just don't get about this show. They did so much research, only to put it all down to the intellectual level of a half-drowned ferret on LSD. All that wonderful research, wasted because they just wanted to make a terrible show pandering to pedophiles. God damn it Japan.

Anyway, the Major decides enough is enough, and Lynne, a soft-spoken girl who I swear is from NotSweden or some shit and has a giant braid in the back, is going to be showing the new girl around the grounds. So yeah. One scene cut later, and Yoshi is now an expert on the entire place. Which means now Lynne gets to show the new girl her room, which is right next to Yoshi's. Then they talk about how she doesn't have anything yet, and how the new girl really wants a giant pot.

A Witch wanting a giant pot. Don't let the irony of that one be lost on you.

Then they go visit the kitchen, and the character art here is just enough to make me wonder if we've suddenly switched back to some CD-i game from back in the day.

That is just atrocious character art.

Blah blah, Yoshi says she wants to cook, and even though she wouldn't say she's good at cooking, she likes it when people eat her food.

Do you people see why I want her to drown now? For someone who is supposed to be acting on the behalf of other people, she is incredibly self-centered, and nobody ever takes notice of this. EVER. Don't mind if my cooking is bland and shitty, I want you to eat it because it makes me feel good. Don't want to use a gun to defend myself, because shooting things is bad. I don't want to go to war with an alien race hell-bent on destroying our planet BECAUSE WAR IS BAD. LETS JUST FORGET ABOUT GOING TO WAR WITH MY AWESOME MEDICAL MAGIC BECAUSE WAR IS BAD, DESPITE THE FACT I MIGHT SAVE A LOT OF LIVES.

I'm about two seconds away from flipping my goddamn desk right now, so I'd better move on before I wind up breaking something.

Then they go visit Charlotte in the hot tub, who is completely naked and since this is not the TV version, she is completely friggin' naked. No screenshots for you, this blog is family friendly. At least, as family friendly as repeatedly not dropping the f-bomb can get. I don't want folks getting fired after all.

Then they go visit some outdoor target range, which I am sure Yoshi will be giving a lot of her time and energy to (not). And then they go see Erica Hartmann getting photographed because she is amazing having shot down 200 enemy aircraft, blah blah there you go inserting history. This gives Yoshi a bit of insight as to just how long they've been fighting this war. Which is a long time considering the ace has 250 kills.

Oh, but then Lynne lets her know that she's pretty much a useless lump of flesh who does nothing but slow people down. That's good to know. Right before she walks right into a stone column that was directly behind her. I can't imagine why she thinks she is so useless.

I don't think the stone cares, kid.

Despite all of this, I think she's still far more useful than Yoshi.

Then they go up to the top of the tower and look over the island they're on, and they talk about how the land mass on the other side of the water is totally enemy territory. Cool. Then we're into a training montage, where the two most useless kids are forced to sprint down the runway towards the sea while answering trivia questions, and while Yoshi ogles her running partner's tits.

Then the next scene involves a close-up of their butts while they do pushups. No, not even lying, the only thing you're going to see are their bottoms while they do pushups. Then they collapse, and we get to see Lynne using an Anti-Material Rifle because, well, why the hell not.

The fact that she can use it without a bipod or being
reduced to the consistency of jelly? Yeah, that is.

So, fun fact. This is the weapon in question. The fun thing to not is the following line here:

"Despite its recoil slide and cushioned buttpad, the recoil of the weapon (along with noise and muzzle blast) was said to be terrific, frequently causing neck strains and bruised shoulders. Consequently, the Boys was almost never fired as a free weapon (that is not affixed to a support) except in emergencies."

 Now, I know I am damning myself for even bothering to go into this, but let's just keep this train-wreck a-going. This kid, according to some wiki out there, is 15-years old. And she can handle a gun that is almost half her goddamn weight, without any sort of firing support. And she can do it without injuring herself, something that was difficult if not downright impossible for grown men. Keep in mind this rifle is a .55 caliber. That's larger than most rifles in service today, even by our heavy-weapons standards.

So yes. It is absolutely, without a doubt, amazing that she can use this gun without killing herself in the process. But hey, she's useless, so who gives a shit?

Next up, it's time for Striker training, and Perrine decides that she should help train the recruits, because working in pairs would be easier. So clearly, that means Perrine wants to take Yoshi on, and see what she's like. Then we get a scene change and the new girls are all worn out, and Mio lectures on how sloppy their control over magic is. Then Perrine is all "you guys suck, just go away already." Then she makes an excuse to go flying with the Major, sticks out her tongue at the new girl, and heads off into the commercial break.

Next day, the new girls are out flying, and Yoshi sucks at this thing because she can't control her magic. Meanwhile, we get some exposition about how Lynne is great in training but can't hack it when it comes to the real deal, presumably because she is useless.

And not a single f**k was given...

Cut to the exact same tired-out scene from the day before, this time playing out with Gertie standing over them, flashing her crotch in their general direction. She's here to tell Yoshi that this is a combat zone, and that combat ability is the only thing that matters. So if she doesn't want to die, she should go home. Because, y'know, the enemy doesn't care if you're new or not, they'll just kill you all the same. Honestly, this is the most practical thing anyone in this show will ever say, because let's face it: This is the absolute worst place to be doing any sort of training.

With that though, she says "get stronger or else" basically. What sagely advice you give. Then Lynette shows Yoshi her favorite place, which is sitting on a ledge about two hundred feet above a sheer cliff-face that leads directly to the water. I can kinda see why it's her favorite. In that 'constantly thinking about killing myself to stop being such a burden on my teammates' sort of way.

See what I mean?

Then she's all "man, I shouldn't even be here" and goes on to tell Yoshi that she can't do shit in a real fight, then runs off. She's all envious because someone can fly without any real training. Oh, then the alarms sound off some time later and then it's military drum music time.

Oh terrible cel-shaded 3D animoo models. Your blank stares,
your rigid animations. You bring a quality of classlessness
to this already bland anime.

I really don't understand the Japanese and their strange fascination with cel-shaded 3D models. Sometimes, it is appropriate. Other times, it just makes me friggin' head hurt. If you haven't been able to tell, all of the enemies in this show are all 3D models with cel-shading applied. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of cel-shading when done right. Anyone who says anything bad about The Legend of Zelda Wind Waker gets a swift truck to the kneecaps. An entire truck. So screw off.

With that said? I don't understand needing cel-shaded models of the characters if you're only going to use them for the take-off sequences. Christ, it's sad that the hand-animated characters move more than the 3D ones. Knowing a thing or two about how this shit works, it's a lot easier to make little adjustments to 3D models than it is to a 2D drawing. And yet? It's the 3D ones that get treated like ass, despite being capable of much better quality. I'll never understand this.

So everybody but Lynne and Yoshi goes out, and some red-haired girl who I guess is named Minna, and supposedly is the actual leader of this unit, wants to talk to Yoshi.. Okay, cool. But she goes on to say, "hey, Britannia is that girl's homeland, just thought you might wanna know." Then says her problem is that she can't take the pressure of defending her homeland, because... I don't know. I mean, I guess I can maybe kinda sorta empathize given the characters are all teenaged girls. So I guess this show gets like, one point out of the bajillions of points deducted for having a character who actually has some real issues, and isn't just a complete mess of a Mary Sue like our heroine is.

But now she wants to know why Yoshi decided to join the Witches, to which she replies "to help everyone". Which is the same thing Lynne said too, so she should never let those feelings go. Because feelings are the most important thing when giant alien monsters are knocking down your front door. In reality, it means jack and shit if you don't ever actually improve, so I guess these kids are pretty screwed.

Battle time. Today, we get another large plane that looks a lot like a modern day B-2. If the B-2 had some Wall-E-esque curves to it.

It's like a turd that some 2-year art student shat out.

It goes down without much of a fight, and has no core. Well, it's a good thing they didn't take the entire force out to deal with this enemy atta- oh wait.

Back at base, Yoshi gives what is probably the absolute worst pep talk in all of history.

This. This is why you should die in a f***ing tornado fire.

If for no other reason than for that single line. Can't use a gun. Can't really use magic. Not good at flying. Doesn't even want to be fighting the enemy. If you cannot be moved to try to push back against an alien race that literally appears to be motivated by nothing more than killing you for kicks, then you deserve to simply stop living. It's that simple. You don't even want to protect yourself, apparently. Oh, but that's not why this is the worst possible pep talk ever in the history of mankind.

It's the worst pep talk ever because Lynne actually does seem to want to fight against them to save her homeland but is utterly incapable of doing so. So in short? This is quite literally the worst possible thing you could say to this person, at this particular point in time, considering you are an instant genius prodigy who can do totally amazing things with ZERO TRAINING.

But hey, let's just ignore all that shit and focus on the fact that despite not seemingly caring about anything AT ALL, Yoshi totally wants to 'help people' and 'protect them'. Of course that one stupid word, 'protect', completely manages to negate any of that other shit that her newfound friend has just said.

Ah, but then the alarms go off, and there's only two people who can fly at the moment: Minna and Eila, because everyone else is either totally drained or, y'know, out on a wild goose chase. Enter the ever-confident Yoshi, who is all "Imma gurna sava the day!" I like to think she might be slightly less effective in combat than Jar Jar Binks. Oh yeah, run some ice cold water all over that burn.

Of course, it's too soon for Yoshi to be going out in battle, and at least Minna seems to be sticking to her guns. She recognizes that she's still got the training wheels on, so it would be really dumb to send her out. Plus, there's the whole "can't shoot things" issue. As Lynne comes up Yoshi is all "I can totes shoot if it's to protect people". Right. But yet you refuse to use a gun, therefore you have no experience with them. Just shut up and go away already. Of course, Lynne then shows up to offer her help as well.

Actually I am fairly certain that Yoshi counts as like,
a -1 person, so by your math you're worth two...

This moving speech is enough to allow the two newbies to come along, and they're off to face the incoming enemy. Their job is to act as backup for the more experienced girls, and Lynne is like, "I was really scared to say anything" and Yoshi's like "Man, I'm scared too, but doing nothing would be worse."

And yet, doing nothing is exactly what you've been prepared to do this entire show. Augh. Of course these words really resonate with Lynne, who then notices the real enemy approaching. A giant dildo-missile.

Aliens give no shits about laws of physics.

Wait. Hang on. That picture I just showed you is not moving the direction it seems to indicate. No, because this thing is actually backwards.

Those wing thingies are on the front. My god.

Y'know, there's a reason things are done a certain way. By all rights, this thing should not even be flying. I just. God. Whoever designed these alien ships needs to just be shot or something. I'm sure you probably spent all of fifteen minutes coming up with these designs, but come on dude, seriously? All the attention you paid to everything else in the show, and yet the monstrous aliens they face are just the most ridiculous pieces of shit you could possibly imagine. What's more terrifying than a giant enemy missile? What about one that FLIES BACKWARDS.

Then it's coming towards the two new girls while the other ones are unable to take the missile down, which sheds half of itself and speeds up. Then Lynne is all taking potshots trying to hit the thing, but can't because she's too focused on flying. So Yoshi comes up with the bright idea of steadying her so she can land a shot. My god, that actually made sense.

That is, until you realized that this was her idea.

Now its up to these two to make sure the enemy doesn't get past, so she focuses on making her shot count, and comes up with the brilliant idea to nail the enemy with a sequence that is amazingly chibi and completely out of place here.

I just. I mean, come on guys. Really?

Then she asks Yoshi to shoot alongside her, and they let loose, boobs bouncing everywhere, and Lynne hits the target, taking it down. Then for her victory, you get a very close-up shot of her ass crack peeking out of her shorts as she flies upside down to rub her breasts in her partner's face because that is the totally appropriate reaction here.

At least they both go falling into the sea. Which is probably really great for the Striker units. Which I guess can float. Despite supposedly weighing like, a couple hundred pounds because they are made out of goddamn steel.

Now Lynne and Yoshi are friends, and Lynne pushes her breasts into her friend's face again, ending this episode.

I hate this show. I hate this show for existing. I really, truly do. I hate it with every fiber of my being, and I am completely justified in this hate because it could have actually been a halfway decent show.

Instead, we got this shit.

I'm done here.