Kodomo no Jikan Episode 07 - Outdoor School

Remember that friend of mine that I don't get to talk to very often anymore? It's always great when your conversations begin with "Here's the next episode, lolololol".

With friends like that, am I right?

Of course, like an idiot I'm like "well, how bad can it possibly be, right?" I mean, let's face it, I'm pretty sure that this show can't possibly sink any lower than it already has at this point, with everything that's happened up to this point. So let's just see how completely wrong I am, eh?

So within the first TEN SECONDS of this show, Rin is already pretending to be sexy for her teacher in front of a mirror, going so far as to f***ing flash her panties in the mirror.

I hate myself, I hate my life, AND I FREAKING HATE THIS SHOW. WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THIS SHIT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?!?!?!?!? WHO!!! THIS IS NOT CUTE, THIS IS REVOLTING. SHE IS QUITE LITERALLY TEN YEARS OLD OR SOMETHING.

Oh, but it gets worse. Because she realizes her stuffed bear is 'staring' at her, AND GETS EMBARRASSED ABOUT FLASHING HER PANTIES OFF?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This is the first THIRTY SECONDS OF THIS SHOW.

OH GOD IT GETS EVEN WORSE BECAUSE SHE LAYS THE BEAR DOWN AND STARTS TO KISS IT THINKING IT IS HER TEACHER.

God, I'm sorry for anything bad I've ever said. I'm not sure I want to live in this world anymore BECAUSE OF THIS FREAKING SHOW. You know what's worse? She straight up calls the bear/her teacher "a pervert" as she does this.

This girl needs some serious psychological HELP. SHE IS TEN YEARS OLD AND SHOULD NOT BE DOING ANY OF THESE THINGS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

Right, so Daisuke gets this funny feeling as he sits at his desk, and begins to talk to Boobs McTittyface about how this upcoming overnight camping thing is likely to be a complete and utter disaster.

Probably because, well, IT WILL BE.

Of course, Boobs decides to give him a little helpful piece of advice:

Because that is always a thing that works with kids.

So all the kids line up outside, and Kuro has given up on sunbathing, now walking around with a friggin' parasol because that totally suits her outfit better. I mean, she's already got the literal gothic-lolita thing going, why stop now?

So then everyone gets on a train, and Rin is all clingy and shit because there are so many people, and then she starts inappropriately touching her instructor.

Oh sweet mother of christ WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. HOW IS THIS IN ANY WAY EVER A COOL THING TO DO? IT ISN'T. EVER. Of course she threatens him with telling everyone that he is a molester if he doesn't keep quiet, because clearly, she is way too intelligent for her age. Also, way too sexually active.

Of course, Kuro decides to tell everyone that he's a molester anyways, and then all the kids are saying it because it's the cool thing to say. I doubt they even know what it means.

Well, then the train arrives, and people who aren't students get off the train, leaving a lot more room to move about, and then they move on to something else. Afterwards, Daisuke reflects upon how annoying he'd think all these kids were if he was not a teacher.

Finally, they're into the mountains, and all the kids split into their respective groups! This is going to be a fun trip. For everyone that isn't me, I suspect. They're all walking along, enjoying nature because that's the thing you do on a nature hike, and then Daisuke gets mad at the three troublemakers because they are being too slow. Also, Kuro is wearing strange clothes for a nature hike. Not like anyone actually cares though.

In usual fashion, Kuro hates his guts and won't listen to a thing because he's a 'virgin'. That just brings up a whole host of terrifyingly mind-numbing issues, but let's just suffice to say she's also pretty nuts too. But Rin is all "aw it's okay you can lose your virginity with me and it's all good", and once more my face is firmly being planted onto my keyboard because I. HATE. THIS. SHOW.

After chasing all but Usa (the one with glasses) off, she reveals a problem: She has to pee! Oh god, are we really doing this now? Really? Of course we are because that is the kind of show this is. You just know some sick, perverted f**k is getting off to this somewhere. You just know it. Of course, there's no toilet until the top of the mountain, and she is going to have to pee in the woods. Clearly, you can't leave a child by herself in the woods, so he has to stand nearby while she does her thing while not looking and not listening because that also makes perfectly logical sense.

Of course, let's just ignore the fact that he is neglecting the rest of his class right now. Because that is the totally responsible thing right now.

So then there's a siren the sounds... which means it is time for lunch?

Maybe there must be some cultural thing there, because when I hear a siren like that? I think "OH SHIT TORNADO RUUUUUUUN."

So he tells Mimi to hurry up, gets fed up with waiting, and winds up putting her onto his back, and dashes past Kuro and Rin, snatching up Kuro on the way because they are totally not gonna be late for lunch.

Rin's main concern is that she wants to be carried too, and chases after.

Meanwhile at the top, Boobs is totally starving her kids because she wants to wait for Daisuke's lazy ass to show up. Oh my god woman, stop trying to score points and just do your friggin' job! Eventually, he shows up, but personally I wouldn't want to be near him if I saw him like this:

Stop that Rin. No, really. Stop. You're scaring me.

He then collapses and everyone gets to have lunch, followed by swinging on ropes and looking through binoculars to spy on couples having lunch in the woods. These girls, I swear. Eventually they show up at the cabins they'll be staying at, and meet with the manager of the place.

Right, so some luggage came ahead of them. Kuro's luggage. If you don't know where this is going, even without any context, you deserve to have your head examined because it's pretty obvious. It's full of all her things which she totally cannot live without. Daisuke tells him to send them all back, because he's a complete dick.

Then the kids start preparing their own dinners, and Mimi damn near kills herself because somebody isn't paying ANY ATTENTION AT ALL.

Because letting small children play with big knives
unsupervised is the best way to learn.

He then comes over to show her how to really do this. Or at least, how to not completely slice open your freaking arm. Then Kuro comes over to tease him about how he is used to 'cooking', and Rin is all "you know what they say about people who are good with their hands" and all I'm thinking is, aren't you kids like five years too young for this shit?

At some point, stew gets served, and Daisuke is sitting off by his lonesome until he is joined by Boobs. Which is the perfect time for him to talk about how maybe he should stop being a teacher and be a salaryman instead. Y'know, take on a job that doesn't make him feel like a giant perv (which he is).

Then the girls are all "aw man the day is over this sucks", and Rin says something about there being an 'exhibition'. Which causes Daisuke to have a distinctly bad feeling yet again. I cannot possibly imagine why. I would have quit my job long ago if I were him, just so I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. Because do you know what this is? Sexual harassment. And you know what else? This kid is smart enough to know that shit. But whatever.

Finally the mid-point arrives, and everyone goes into their respective hot springs. Rin looks at Boobs' boobs, and is disappointed to find that they are, in fact, real, and not some sort of weird add-on feature to her chest. Because that makes sense right?

Tonight, Kuro is the one to instigate Really Bad Ideas. Her idea? To sneak over to the other bathroom to see 'what the teacher's really got'.

Excuse me, I think I just vomited a little bit inside my mouth.

YOU ARE NOTHING OF THE SORT YOU PSYCHOTIC
LITTLE HARLOT.

Of course Boobs is powerless to stop them as they rush out. Meanwhile, over in the other bathroom, Daisuke manages to stop two of the boys on his side from doing what the girls are about to attempt. Which is probably the only right thing he will manage to do this entire series. I have zero hope for this man. I hope he winds up in prison. Or dead. Or both.

And your response to them is to tell them not
to be so obvious? Go die in a fire!

So as he tells himself about how these things work, he goes to the locker box talking about how people would hide in there, only to find? Three girls who should not be here.

They go running off, and Mimi trips, and he goes chasing after them, at which point his towel falls off, exposing his full self to the one girl who really didn't want to see any of this.

You know what? Somewhere, someone thinks this shit is actually funny.

Somebody thinks that.

Perhaps this would be amusing if it weren't for the fact that THESE ARE ALL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILDREN.

So now Mimi is scarred for life, and her two best friends don't understand why she is so utterly terrified.

Finally, they're at their cabin, and Kuro is all "hey look at this cute thing I am wearing that I totally ordered just for tonight." But the target of her affections is too busy humming the theme song for the show and making herself look pretty. Why? If you honestly have to ask that, you are too dumb for words. Then she makes an excuse about going to the toilet, and even Kuro is pretty sure she's up to something.

Speaking of being up to things, Daisuke is pretty busy running around telling kids not to have pillow fights. Or tell horror stories. Or.... what?

Whaaaaat?

Um.

WHAT THE F**K!!!!

You know. At some point, there has to be a line that is drawn. A point where you have to say, "this is the f***ing line, that is where I am stopping." This may seem inappropriate, but there's some guys that do a thing called Game Grumps. And you know what?  They articulate how I feel way better than I possibly ever could.

Skip to about the 0:28 mark and you'll see what I mean.

WHAT AM I WILLING TO PUT UP WITH?

NOT. F***ING. THIS.

He says it so much better than I ever could.

Right. There's like, seven minutes left. Surely I can survive that, right?

Right?

So the last cabin to be checked is the one the three troublemakers are in, and he believes them to be asleep. Until Kuro  wakes up and ties a rope around his foot because she is totally prepared for this, and screams at him for being a virgin. She is very angry because she doesn't have her special pillow that she always sleeps with. Chances that it's a body pillow? About 90% chance.

She can't sleep without that pillow, and without sleep her skin will become horrible. Oh, then he realizes Rin is missing. So what is his giant plan to resolve this issue?

To lie on Kuro's bed and sing horribly off key to her to put her to sleep.

Bitch.

Her plan is to keep him there until Rin finally gets back from the toilet. Which she never does, and eventually she falls asleep. Then Daisuke gets into his bed, and realizes, Rin is already waiting there for him. Because you knew that was going to happen this entire time, right?

But Boobs arrives, so Daisuke's first thought is to shove her back under the covers and go answer the door. Because there is absolutely no possible way that could ever be misconstrued EVER. To draw attention away from the fact that Rin doesn't want to sit still, he pushes his way out of the cabin to proclaim to her that he is, in fact, very tired after having such a long day. Who cares if there's something Boobs is worried about? Clearly not a guy who wants to get laid with someone his age.

But she takes this chance anyways to say how glad she is that a person like him came to the school. A person who is so very dedicated to teaching, and kind to children. Expectation this image will be shattered in ten seconds is now set.

Rin is listening on the other side of the door, and with that, chesty lady goes running off, embarrassed that she never got into his room, or that she sounded lame.

Please god, make it stop. Haven't I suffered enough watching this show? No? Of course not. Because just moments later she realizes what she's thinking about on a school trip, and she should be fired too.

Yes. She should be fired too.

So when Daisuke gets back into his cabin, Rin comes out of the closet wearing something that nobody in their right goddamned mind ever should have MADE IN THAT SIZE. Negligees are NOT SOMETHING TEN YEAR OLDS SHOULD HAVE ACCESS TO. OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER. NOBODY EVER HAS ANY RIGHT TO WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT EVER AT THAT AGE.

Once more she tries her bad girl routine saying she'll cry out if he doesn't behave, and he grows a spine for a change telling her to go ahead, because boobies will totally have his back. So instead, Rin decides to pretend to be more or less orgasming really loudly if he doesn't comply.

Somehow, morning arrives, but not without him having spent the entire night walking around with her on his back. Then the kids start looking around for cards for some reason, and the troublesome trio plus Daisuke appear to be completely and utterly dead because they were up all night.

Then we get a peaceful moment where Daisuke listens to the ambient sounds of nature while lying on his back, and gets some shuteye. On Rin's lap. Under Kuro's umbrella, which I imagine Rin is using for her own selfish purposes because that is how she is.

No matter how you slice it, this shit is never okay. Ever.

Eventually, her two friends find her asleep on Daisuke's lap, as he is now leaning against a tree, and Kuro gets mad because she doesn't want to be left out of this. Then boobies comes to wake him up, and he realizes that he has three young girls all piled onto his lap, and it's time to leave.

Then Rin looks at his crotch and goes "why is it wet, you came?!", and Kuro is shocked wondering if he got too excited and... oh god I'm going to vomit again because they're doing this right in front of Boobies. Who is confused as hell by what they're saying. Then there's yelling and the episode ends. FINALLY.

BURN IN HELL WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS SERIES. BURN IN HELL. MAY THERE BE A SPECIAL CIRCLE RESERVED FOR YOU.

By the way, check back tomorrow because I'll have a special bonus surprise for you. A little something extra which I will try to use to wipe this show from my brain. And probably fail.

Seriously, f**k this show.