Free! Episode 04 - Captive Butterfly!

This is a show that, despite getting hold of it as soon as possible, I simply did not want to watch. Why? Why must I put myself through this? Because I like it? Hell no. Probably because of some serious self-loathing issues I have.

Also, I guess I watched that Ace Attorney movie finally, and it was okay. Not quite what I was expecting, but overall I think I liked it in the end. I'm fairly certain I won't like Free! in the end. In fact, it may well make me cry. Because I don't want things like this to exist.

When you open your show like this, you know you're going into some extremely scary territory.

Oh. My. God. And this show hasn't even started yet.

Someone is having a hard time deciding which one he should wear. Despite them all being PRACTICALLY THE GODDAMN SAME. WHO AGONIZES OVER DECISIONS LIKE THIS? Haru, that's who.

So today's the big day. The club is officially recognized, and it is warming up so they'll finally start training in the pool. But before the teacher is even done, Haru is off to the swimming.

Haru: A better ninja than most ninjas.

Anyway, Mako is explaining this piece of paper with a bunch of stuff written on it to Rei, telling him what all the different abbreviations mean. It's very boring. The following segment is a basic tutorial on swimming. Or, everything you should ever know if you ever plan on swimming. Like, when I took swim lessons at the Y, this is the kind of video you would watch, with the same basic production values.

This is like one of those tutorial mangas I swear.

Supposedly, the paper is Gou's brother's old training regimen. I guess that makes sense, and I have to kind of give these guys credit for actually doing their research into the sport. But man, this makes for kind of boring anime. By the way, it is intro time now.

By the way, what the hell is with exclamation marks at the end of every title? I mean, everything about this show just screams like a child trying to get everybody's attention, like it wants to make a very profound statement, but in reality just says something completely obvious that everyone immediately dismisses. In short: It makes you look like an idiot, but you've gone and started a theme now, so no backing out.

So when we come back from the intro, we are assaulted with visual candy for the ladies, in the form of a closeup of Rei stretching, with his crotch very prominently in the center. Now I know how the ladies feel when they watch anime pandering to us guys. Very. Nauseous.

Muscles, muscles, more muscles, talking about stretching, and more muscles. While he does that, Haru stares at Rin's old training regimen like it is the most interesting thing in the world, prompting Gou to get a little bit too close for my comfort zone, that's for sure. Though really, I doubt he could care less about the girl. After all, it's not like she is something he can swim in.

Maybe one of you will actually get that joke.

Then he goes diving off again after saying he isn't interested in it whatsoever. Meanwhile, the other two guys try to give Rei some, er, friendly advice.

OH GOD THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.

Haru is no convinced he has mastered the theory of swimming, and that he won't be embarrassing himself again. He proves his point with a beautiful dive. Which ends in a belly flop. And him paddling straight to the bottom of the pool.

... yeah. For a smart person, he's pretty frickin' dumb. How has he not killed himself yet?

So now, they're going to show Rei how to swim. They quickly learn that he has a very big problem. Namely, he can float, but as soon as he gets out of the fetal position in the water, he sinks like a rock. While they're busy pondering the physics behind this strange phenomenon, Gou asks Haru why he swims. The answer: He doesn't have one.

Blah blah Rin went to Australia to be an Olympic swimmer etc etc nobody cares Gou shut up and stop telling us things we already know. She thinks he can be closer to his dream if he is swimming with the others. You know, like old times. Over at the other pool, Rin is busy being a total dick to his partner, basically telling him to stop sucking and find his own swim style. Then platinum-hair says something about Haru being awesome and Rin get's all scary-face and starts totally ripping on them for being a shitty swim team and he is totally way better than all of those assholes combined.

You just know the ladies are going to love this guy with the shark-teeth. He's got that bad-boy edge.

Then he goes off to go have a pissy fit because his victory means nothing because he is in way better shape than Haru will ever be. Christ, give this dude a tampon because he is PMSing like crazy. Can you say obsessed much?

Next day Nagi starts going off about how everyone in the club should have matching uniforms. I don't think this show could could possibly get any more gay if they all started wearing leather chaps and slapping one another on the ass-cheeks. Seriously. But when they get to talking about the uniforms, Rei freaks out because they are NOT BEAUTIFUL.

... seriously. This show. Can. Not. Get any. More. Gay. I have nothing against homosexuals. Really. But this? This is just too much for me to take. It makes it impossible to take this show anything resembling seriously whatsoever, because they are all such caricatures of people they just aren't even REAL.

Some might say that is part of its appeal. I might say those people are morons.

So that rival school uses sharks in their design, what's Nagi got in mind? PENGUINS. F***ING. PENGUINS.

I'm done. I'm out. I'm just so done with this show. Seriously. I'm not sure I can take any more of this shit. I'm hardly even halfway and I just. UNNNNNGH.

Fine. Let's try to power through this shit. Despite how much it makes me hate myself for continuing to watch this. Deep breaths. You can do this.

So Haru gives his two cents as for the design.

HOW CAN YOU DRAW SOMETHING SO SHITTY
BUT SO WELL AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

JUST LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF SHIT. NO. SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT IT. IT TAKES A LOT OF SKILL TO MAKE SOMETHING SO IMPOSSIBLY SHITTY. That is a REALISTIC SKETCH of that SHITTY DOLL thing he made to recruit people before. AND HE WANTS TO USE IT AS THE MASCOT. DESPITE LOOKING INTENTIONALLY SHITTY.

How is it even possible to put so much effort into something so horrible? Oh christ. My brain. It hurts. I just. My god.

Are you f***ing kidding me.

Then Gou comes in and crashes the party, telling them to hell with the uniforms, look at the new training regimen. Because one of them can't swim, they need to change things up. Like, I dunno, making sure everyone on the team can SWIM.

Oh, and he has to learn how to swim within a week. No pressure.

So are you and everyone else in this show, but
who's counting?

So they have seven days to teach Rei to swim. He is so impressed with his own knowledge of swimming, but that's nothing to be proud of. Seriously. Everyone knows what a freaking breast stroke is you nincompoop. God, this show has reduced me to using insults of the lowest possible caliber. Next thing you know I'll start calling everyone pooplord shithumper or something.

All of this knowledge doesn't keep him from sinking, however. Next day, Mako tries to teach him the backstroke. Also sinks. Now it falls to Haru to teach him to swim. But he doesn't want to because that will take effort. So Gou looks over to Ms. Ama to give them some advice. If you ask me, she looks pretty constipated.

Any minute now, she'll go Super Saiyan.

Next day, it rains, so they decide to have a meeting about why Rei sucks so hard. Haru thinks the water hates him. Welp, glad that mystery is solved. Water hates you bro. Time to give up. They just keep coming up with the most ridiculous bullshit possible, but he claims his issue is his teachers. What he needs... is a real coach.

Well, good thing they happen to know one, right?

Maybe he likes delivering pizzas. Ever consider that?

The coach takes issue with this whole thing. Probably because the kid sinks like a rock. But then Rei takes issue with that as well.

Oh god just. Shut. Up.

So while stuffing his face, Nagi begs him to please teach, but he yells at Nagi to stop eating and talking and just leaves. Next day, Rei is convinced he has the answer to all of his problems. His swimsuit.

Complete. With pointing to his crotch.

Ladies and gentleman, we have officially reached a brand new low. No. Seriously. We've hit rock friggin' bottom. The only way to go any lower is if they start up with the fart and piss jokes. But then they go on to give us an extreme closeup of his asscheeks too.

Look. I'm a guy, right? But even if this was a girl, I would take some serious issues with this. Why? Because it is completely unnecessary. If you say "oh it's part of the charm" NO, GO F**K YOURSELF, GO BACK TO YOUR TWILIGHT YOU STUPID INSIPID PIECE OF TRASH. DROWN IN YOUR OVERSALTED MCDONALD'S FRIES @#_*%_U!@#(%U_#@J+T#@(TJ@$Y

Your nuts, on the other hand, are firmly crunched.

Next day, off they go to look at more swimsuits. Because that is clearly the BEST use of their time, considering the guy has ZERO IDEA HOW TO ACTUALLY SWIM. Math and science is his answer to everything. Common Sense, however? Not really applicable here. At all. EVER.

You are the dumbest smart person ever. God.

(Insert cries of agony and splintering wood as my skull
hits the desk here)

The ONLY smart thing he says is where he needs prescription goggles. That I can understand, considering he does actually wear glasses. Now, normally I might go off on a tangeant about this, considering my older brother wears glasses, and he never needed prescription goggles, but not everyone is that fortunate. Then Nagi steals his glasses and walks off like a doof, while Haru looks at more swimsuits.

This is an entire store of swimming supplies. Do these things actually exist in Japan? Because if so, they scare me.

Oh, so Rei finally settles on something to wear.

It's a good thing my brain stopped working 20 minutes ago.

Words. Fail me.

(Insert the sound of me gently sobbing here)

Then Haru shows up in his new swimsuit, and even the characters looking can't tell any difference from his usual swimsuit.

Holy shit. This is just another thinly-veiled attempt to force us to look at half-naked men. Gender stereotypes? You have been completely flipped. This is the obligatory shopping trip. Except it's for the girls.

Once more, your target demographic.

Doesn't take much longer for EVERYONE to get into the changing act, and then it just quickly spirals into the most ridiculous bullshit ever.

This is the sort of fanart you expect to see. On the
internet. NOT IN YOUR GODDAMN SHOW.

It. Just. Keeps. Going. On. Until even Gou admits defeat.

AND NOW WE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL WATCHING
THIS SHIT IN ANIME. FEELS BAD, BRO.

Oh, then that guy notices her and immediately walks over to totally hit on her because that is what you do when you're the captain of a sports team. Seems like our team isn't the only ones out looking for new swimsuits today. So is Rin, it seems. Turns out Haru and Rin have changing rooms right beside one another. But instead of being super angry, he seems more embarrassed, and decides that he wants to talk with Haru. In private.

Outside, they talk about what Haru's been doing the last three years, and he's all "dude, you went to Australia, what do you expect." But clearly the number of shits he is giving are less than or equal to zero at this point. Which is when Rin brings up the point that in his current condition, it'd be pretty hard to not beat his rival. Which Haru accepts, but is all like "well, you still won so deal with it". Because seriously bro, you're taking this swimming thing way too seriously.

Then Rin is all "I want a real race," and Haru does the most mature thing ever. He just goes "What a pain" and walks away.

Honestly, that's the first time I think he has ever acted anything close to resembling a human being. He doesn't swim for no one, because he swims free. I guess this makes Rin mad because he rushes up behind his old buddy and pushes him up against the fence like he's about to get his rape on.

Just make out already, I swear.

Then Haru grows some balls after Rin demands that he will swim for him, and he goes "Fine, but if I beat your sorry ass, don't cry about it and give up and ragequit like a pussy." Oh, but now Rin gets all defensive and stuff, putting up that harsh facade he works so hard to maintain, despite looking like he is going to cry like the little bitch he is at any given second. Then walks off saying he'll see Haru at the tournament. So back to teaching Rei to swim. He has everything. His Goggles. His Cap. His Not a Speedo. Everything should be perfect this time.

Everyone except Haru is suitably impressed by his professional appearances. I bet he still sinks like a goddamn rock. So he dives in with perfect form, and never manages to move a single inch in the water. So now it's time for Haru to give him some pointers. Though, he's only going to teach him free swimming.

Doesn't matter, swimming is swimming. They spend the rest of the day going over everything in a twenty-second montage, then it's time for him to make his miraculous attempt at swimming. At least he manages to make it about a foot this time, right?

Again with the quotes lady.

Now Ama is quoting Edison. Which is probably the worst person to quote, but the point is that hard work will triumph over anything. Kind of like some of our recent presidents: It doesn't matter how bad you are at what you do, if you try hard enough, you can make anything work.

Oh. Wait. That isn't really how that works at all is it?

She goes on to say that there's another way to interpret the quote: That all the hard work in the world means nothing without that sudden flash of inspiration. Oh, I think that's probably the smartest thing she's ever said in her life. I don't expect she'll be doing that again anytime soon.

Now Haru decides to approach the dejected Rei one last time, telling him to just do whatever. Just dive in the water and have at it. Don't think about swimming. Just friggin' do it. Y'know, like how you're supposed to do these things. So now is the time for Haru to try giving him some inspiration with insightful words that really don't mean a lot. Or as Mako puts it: Time for a bro bonding session.

It's the last day, and everyone shows up to see Rei swimming Butterfly. The one stroke he never tried. Congratulations you can finally swim.

That's the end of the episode. Really. That's all there is. I'm going to leave now. Maybe see if I can assault my face with something that will make me forget this show exists for another week.

Part of me really hopes that there is never a next episode.