Sailor Moon Episode 44 - Usagi's Awakening! A Message From the Distant Past

I'm running late tonight. Why? I don't know, could have something to do with THE SKY EXPLODING ALL AROUND. Y'know. Fourth of July? Expressing one's patriotic freedoms by eating hot dogs and blowing things up?

So yeah, hopefully you've enjoyed yours. Mine was pretty good, up until the point I decided that I had to go and write this thing up because I've been busy not getting drunk and making a fool of myself. (No, seriously, I haven't been drinking at all what is up with that how unpatriotic can you get?)


Forty-four episodes in and I find myself bobbing my head during the intro sequence. OH GOD NO ITS BEGUN. Wait, I'm safe as long as I don't start singing right?

... but damn that epic bit in the middle is all dramatic and shit and AUUUGH. I imagine this episode will let me down as the rest of this series has.

Okay, so holy shit, we are beginning this episode off the right way with the episode overview, because this shit is as patriotic as it gets. It starts with seeing the Moon Kingdom explode.

WELCOME TO EARTH!

From the looks of things, this is going to be a backstory episode, which means it could be really entertaining, or really terrible. Here to answer our question is Luna running through the streets out of breath to wake up her lazy, neglectful master. Big news! Venus and Artemis found the gateway to the Dark World.

Well... that's pretty convenient.

After the title slide we get evil dark music and all the Scouts have gathered together inside of what looks like a pizza shop or something.

Yep, that is definitely a dark hole. Should we call
the Health Department...?

Down they all go into the hole, which leads them through caves that continue going further into the planet, and then some weird green gas stops them from proceeding. That green gas turns out to be an image of Kunzite, who begins to taunt them? How nice.  Oh, turns out that image is actually him, because he dodges Jupiter's thundersmack, and yells at Sailor Moon to hand over the Silver Crystal or die.

Because that's always worked in the past right? She clearly refuses, offering not to... punish him if he hands over Endymion Mask?

Yeesh. So Kunzite gets angry, and as such, throws a regular hissy fit.

I think something was lost in translation.
Like, something that makes sense.

Even Sailor Moon is confused as hell, and Kunzite explains that it might send her to African when the dinosaurs roamed. Or that point in Europe when everyone was fighting. Gee that narrows the field. Then he does a magical barrier thing, she drops the scepter, and Kunzite reaches out to grab hold of it. Until it literally turns itself around to smack the back of his hand.

Keep your grubby mitts to yourself pal.

Then it follows the girls and cats into the void, and we are met with a really trippy set of sequences where everyone is falling among stars, geometry, and for some strange reason, a really big eyeball.

Then everyone lands on the moon. No, seriously. They're on the friggin' moon.

Ignore everything you learned in school kids.
The moon has breathable atmosphere.

Standing amidst the ruins, Sailor Moon meets... herself.

Waaaaaaait a second... isn't Serenity her name too?

Or maybe that's her mother? I don't know, everyone has the same freaking name it seems. This tiny fairy lady brought Luna and Artemis back to watch over her daughter, and then sends everyone back into a massive trip to the past where we learn her entire purpose in life is to safeguard the Legendary Silver Crystal.

AGAIN WITH THE LEGENDARY PREFIX. GOD. STOPPAT ALREADY, WE GET IT ITS KIND OF AN IMPORTANT THING!

Oh, also they were supposed to watch over the evolution of the Earth because let's face it, humanity can't be half-assed to do anything themselves ever. So as she narrates, she goes "Remember, Serenity..."

WAIT. YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE SERENITY MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY.

Then there's a big ball, lots of people dancing, fireworks... my god this is patriotic as hell. So Princess Serenity, as opposed to Queen Serenity, is all "I like the Earth it is pretty" and one days meets this douchenozzle who becomes her boyfriend then dies and gets resurrected and starts stalking her as a teenaged-girl and trying to eventually kill her. I think you know the one I'm referring to.

You only live on Earth, dicknugget. How could that
possibly have ever made you late?

So, on the one hand, this guy lives on Earth supposedly. One might be inclined to think that could take a long time to travel. On the other? You'd also think one might take that sort of shit into account when making travel arrangements. You don't be late by a couple of hours, no. YOU BE LATE BY A COUPLE OF FREAKING DAYS SIR, DUE TO WEATHER AND SHIT.

Oh, but then the plot twist occurs.

You're... not really here for the ball are you.

Okay, so she's all pining over this dude who shows up late to her party, only to reveal he's not even here for the party at all.

So does that mean he never intended to come to the party in the first place? That makes him a dick. I mean, if you're going to be late due to A GIANT WAR THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING IN THE FIRST PLACE (see: guiding the evolution of the Earth, therefore also its FRIGGIN INHABITANTS), the least you could do is send a letter saying "hey, sorry about that party, sounds nice, but I've got a thing going on down here, needs my full attention, hit me up next time and we'll see."

Nope, he's gotta just be full on telling her about how Metalia took over Beryl and is taking over the world and is about to jack the Moon's stuff because everyone is jealous of how long they live.

... so they're basically space elves now?

Right, at this point he gets chased off by the guards.

So what, is he not supposed to be there then? But if that's the case, how in the hell could she be 'waiting for him'? WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS CRAP.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HOLD YOUR PIKE
SOLDIER NUMBER THREE. AAAAUGH!

Anyhow, turns out the cats never went anywhere, so they continue down the caves in the hopes they'll eventually get to the Dark Kingdom's hideout. Not sure what they plan to do there, but hey, the plot will figure that out eventually. For the next thirty seconds, we get to see some horribly-animated static-like closeups of the cats running and the cavern mouth slowly jutting closer, until they land in... the Himalayas. Or the North Pole? Someplace really friggin' cold.

Back in teh past, Endymion Mask shows up and he and the Princess go dancing, and NOW SHE RECOGNIZES HIM FOR SOME REASON.

He spends his time on the dance floor talking about how there's a war coming and he's totally going to be her  enemy and... hold on what? Let me rewind that to make sure I'm understanding this properly.

There is a war coming up that will be between the Earth and the Moon. Okay, check. That will make him her enemy. Wait what? It would be bad if anyone knew who he was. BUT SHE RECOGNIZED YOU AFTER YOU CHANGED CLOTHES AND WORE A MASK AND EVERYTHING. HOW DID YOU EVEN GET INTO THIS PARTY.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Okay, so if you are a prince, yet you cannot stop the upcoming war - despite being a PRINCE - why in the hell are you preparing yourself to become her enemy? Or warning her? Maybe you could, I dunno, explain this to the Queen maybe? Y'know, like normal folks would do?

So Metalia is a mass of energy, and Beryl is a Witch, and Beryl is using Metalia to take over the world, but Beryl is controlled by Metalia...

Is anybody else confused, because I just got completely freaking lost here.

He then goes on to say he doesn't want the Moon to be destroyed and that they should pool all their efforts into destroying Metalia as soon as possible. So why not say that, instead of talking about how there would be an inevitable war between your people where you two would totally become enemies?!

Maybe if you explain it in a way that doesn't make
you sound like a complete psycho?

Of course she's going to believe every word of this, because she luuuuuurves him. Despite being a massive security hazard and wanted by every guard in the palace?

Moments later, a giant space ghost appears, and the people of Earth are attacking! With lightsabers.

God I wish I was joking about this.

Then the cats of the past come in and warn everyone, and the Moon Kingdom explodes, and the Sailor Scouts appear because that is what guardians are supposed to do, right?

I don't think four girls can fight a war by themselves however, especially not when the evil dark ghost thing just kind of eats their attacks like candy.

Have fun with that. Did you know the Moon is a
barren wasteland? True science fact.

Right, so then she raises her staff and tells Metalia they are going to start the Dark Kingdom there, and we see a few familiar faces.

They literally only have a single set of clothes.

Literally wearing the exact same clothes for centuries. My god. The a closeup of Kunzite laughing, lots of devastation all around, and we get the half-point commercials. Lovely.

Remember a couple of episodes back when they used some really dramatic classical music that was totally overplayed? Well they're doing it again. It's a really popular one that I can't place at the moment and have already spent too much time trying to identify... just take my word for it. I'll figure it out one day.

So Beryl shows up to claw at the Princess, but Endymion shows up with a rose and gets in between them, and Beryl's all "dude, just marry me".

Oh god. Did she really just...

He tries to appeal to her non-evilness, but she gets really mad and decides to just straight up kill everyone with the puke laser of doom. Endymion goes flying off, and Serenity goes after him, but then Endymion gets hit with a laser blast. Then the Princess starts falling... and then she stops falling and starts floating... wait what happened?

Somehow, in the point where she was reaching out for the dude she lost consciousness, fell, then started floating back into the sky again? Making the Queen and one of the cats cry?

But nobody even hit her!

Being dead doesn't stop you from crying like crazy it seems, and the Queen is left to cry herself as the two lovers just sorta float into the sky. Then the Queen puts the Silver Crystal in the scepter, and decides to really stick it to the villains this time.

Well hey, at least she's thinking of the Greater Good.

Using the crystal will kill her, but who cares? She's gonna heal EVERYTHING. An entire goddamned planet, and all the evil energy along with it. Everyone starts vanishing at one point or another, and then we're back on the North Pole or whatever with the current cats?

Eventually they make their way to a hole in the ground where purple energy is floating out, but as the cats prepare to go back, Kunzite shows up because that is how he do.

Back in the past yet again again, the Queen is not quite dead yet, but she has enough time to give the cats a quick primer on the Silver Crystal: People with pure hearts, it's cool. Anyone evil, bad. Right, glad we got that one sorted out. Easy to remember. Good people are okay, evil people suck.

Oh, by the way, the princess will be revived at some point in the future, so if Metalia ever manages to come back, give the princess this scepter thing and have her, yanno, protect the world and junk.

Wait, what? Where did that even come from?

Then she holds up the Silver Crystal which goes floating off into the night sky, because to hell with physics, and then it explodes, encasing the entire population of the moon in little bubbles and sending them down to the Earth to be reborn and live happily ever after. Then she dies.

At least she was pretty busy, had enough strength to put everyone in capsules and all that.

At this point, the girls show up back in the cave again, now knowing just how far they've really come, and then they hear the cats crying out for help.

Artemis is so dramatic here, it's almost cute.

At this point Sailor Moon proclaims "I won't let you hurt them!" Seems she's a bit late for that, they've kind of passed out already. But whatever. Then Kunzite is all confused because they shouldn't be back, but now they are and with their memories, so he's going to taunt them some more before trying to repeat the same trick of last time, following up with laser boomerangs.

LASER BOOMERANGS.

LASER. BOOMERANGS.

So they are firmly in his personal 'space', and the scouts all cry out for their 'power' while transformed, and kind of stand there while they get beat by Laser Boomerangs, which really makes their leader angry.

You're not exactly a forgiving person are you?

She whips out the scepter and prepares to heal the ever-living shit out of Kunzite, complete with sparkles and everything.

Oh god if only you knew how ridiculous you sound.

He throws his laser boomerang at her, which gets sent back, and sticks into his arm, causing him to shake violently. Wait, is that really all it took?

That's barely even a flesh wound!!!

Then he calls out for his brother lover Zoisite and vanishes into a series of bubbles. How anticlimactic can you get? After that she goes to Luna, worried that something is wrong.

I think her brain is a total wash.

Y'know, it's really fascinating when people just make shit up for these shows. Oh, it's in the North Pole. Where? At D-Point. Because of the billions of freaking points there could possibly be at the North Pole, it's the fourth one that's ever been friggin' marked.

Now she has no choice but to hurry onward though, before the Sunspot grows any larger - it's time to begin the assault on the Dark Kingdom! Next episode of course because, well, they ran out of time.

I have two episodes left, and then I'll have to move onto the next series.

God help me. I may not make it to the end of this one.