Free! Episode 03 - Theoretical Dolphin Kick!

Today's entry is a bit late, as you might have noticed from that last post. Sometimes, stuff just happens, and you wind up not sleeping and your body goes "wauuughurple". No, literally, I think it made a noise like that.

Also, and I'm just putting it out there, but there is a chance I may not stick with this show. Really, the big thing is, well, I've already managed to establish that the characters, they are not exactly paragons of virtue. Or well-adjusted teenagers who make wise decisions. However, if you come into watching a show like this, and you're expecting great character growth? You're doing it wrong, son.

With that having been said, let's take one more look, and see if this show actually graduates to a plot that makes some sort of sense, or if it just continues to be more baffling than Schrodinger's Cat.

Okay, so when this episode opens, Haru's friends have busted into his house again. At least, it must be his house, because he's coming down with the sickness. Which is something that happens when you go swimming in April. Consequences in my anime? Well now.

Good thing someone is on hand with plenty of tissues.

Oh christ just tell him you want him to show you the D.

Then there's jokes about the Japanese myth where someone talks about you and you sneeze, how Haru is too awesome to get sick from swimming, and oh by the way, that asshole finally joined the rival swim team.

And yet, you helped create a swim team. Diva.

Then Nagi literally starts rubbing his head on Haru's lower back. What. No, really. What? Isn't that something little girls do to their older brothers?

No, seriously, I'm pretty sure that's a thing little girls do to their older brothers to piss them off.

Well, Haru makes a good point: Can't run a relay with only three people. So that means your club is still pretty screwed. Cue manly water intro. When your intro song has the words FREEDOM MACHINE in them? It's really hard to take you seriously. I'm just saying.

Okay, so now the episode starts for serious now, with Nagi considering how he is going to get to sleep with his star athlete if he's sick. No, wait, he's thinking about finding a new swim club member. Where could he possibly find one?

It was as if a thousand fangirls cried out, and could
not be silenced. For anything.

So then we finally meet the last guy in the intro, reading a book on physical training. Oh my god, he is completing the stereotypes for the normal high school girl anime: THE UNFEELING INTELLECTUAL. Who turns down the offer to join the swim club before Nagi even gets a chance to ask. SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! Also, he's already a track star. Well, he certainly looks the part, at least. He gets off the train one stop early, and runs to school the rest of the way, which gives Nagi a raging hard-on or something, because he's pressing himself up against the glass like some kind of creeper.

You know it's bad when girls look at you like that.

Over at the school, Gou has arranged a sports gym where the boys can swim during the off-season. Which is right now! Yeah, it figures she would want to see their supple, nude torsos as quickly as possible. Then Haru walks over like a robot (as always), takes the flyer, and stares at it, like maybe if he concentrates just hard enough, the pool in the picture will come to life, and he can swim in that.

Dude, seriously, I think you have an actual illness. Please go see a doctor about this.

He does come up with the greatest sensible question, however. How do they pay the membership fees?

With their club budget. Great idea.

But where is the money going to come from, oh great and powerful red-haired girl?

Everyone thinks you're losers. Hahahahahahaha.

Okay, so now I see where this is going to go. They have to recruit the unfeeling intellectual running star athlete because if he is part of the club they will get the funding they need simply because he is in their club. Or something. I'm calling that now, they have fifteen minutes to prove me wrong though. Then their teacher starts trying to quote the Bible. No, seriously, she attributed this one to the Bible.

Just stop talking. You are a terrible teacher.

The basic gist, however, is solid. If your club does awesome things, it can be reconsidered during the next budget review during the second term. Can you see where this is going? Hint: Probably something along the lines of what I said in the last paragraph. Because they still need a fourth swimmer. At which point, Haru can swim all he wants.

So off he runs to find that mythical fourth swimmer, because nothing will keep this man from swimming. Not even legal, moral, or even social boundaries.

He's off to pretty much try and brute force convince ANYBODY to join the club. No, seriously. His entire pitch is, literally, "I'll give you this ugly thing. Join the swim club."

Wow. And here I thought I had problems asking people for things.

I don't think their flyer is helping any. Just a thought.

Then that Ryuuzaki dude shows up again at the locker, only to blow Nagi off by saying there is nothing he can do to convince him to join the swim club. So what's he do?

He tries to get Haru to do the convincing. This can only end spectacularly bad. Especially when Nagi's entire reasoning for wanting him on the team... is his name.

Yes. His name. Because it is a perfect swimmer name, I guess.

Y'know, I've seen a fair share of bad shows in my time. Now, I'm not going to say that this is one of the worst shows I've ever watched because, to be fair, it can be somewhat entertaining. With that said? Holy shit how do some people manage to cross the street every day without being hit by traffic. That is the absolute worst reasoning for anything I have ever seen. Not because it is in no way related to anything at all, but because it is the absolute worst reason to want someone on a team ever. Skills? Qualifications? Manly pecs? No. You want him for his NAME.

His name which is Ryuuzaki Rei.

Yes. Because, like everyone else, he has a girly name.

Give me a minute, I'm going to bury my head in a concrete wall.

Honestly, Gou, you are surprised by this how?

Then she takes a look at the young man, and decides... well... maybe Nagi has a point. He does have some really... really... nice deltoids...

Appalling, innit?

And then, we get to see the track star athlete genius intellectual playboy philanthropist billionaire prepare to jump a high bar. WITH SCIENCE.

Can your characters be any more cliche? No. Seriously.

He is literally formulating a mathematical equation in his mind to visualize how he should jump. Which makes sense on a fundamental level, but if you don't already know how you should be using that pole to leap over the high bar, then you have a lot more issues than you think, because knowing the math doesn't mean your body can manage it. Which is why you practice, supposedly. Which is also why if he has been on the track team for some time he should already know what in the hell he is doing. Which makes the math unnecessary.

YES YOU ARE SMART WE GET IT YOU WEAR GLASSES SHUT UP.

So then he clears the bar with a good six inches, and Gou nearly creams herself over how awesome his muscles are, and then Rei is all "damn, I miscalculated".

Dude, you cleared the freaking bar. With plenty of space. I don't think you understand how this sport thing is actually supposed to work if you are complaining about achieving the objective.

So after school, Nagi starts hitting Rei with all the stops pulled out. Calling him by his girly name and everything, totally catching him off-guard with that "Rei-chan". Because, yeah, you don't sound like a little girl when you say that shit at all Nagi. Not. One. Bit.

OH GOD STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER!

Once more, Rei refuses to join, only interested in "sports that are beautiful".

I think. My brain. Just. Broke. Hold on while I try to process what he just said. He doesn't like swimming. Because it isn't beautiful. Yet. What. I don't. How is track. Huh? I don't understand. I literally, just do not understand. How does that work, exactly? Like... what?

What?

Something about attaining perfect form through theory and calculation.

What?

Arm muscles are good for a lot of things Nagi.

Then he comments about how man evolved to live on land, why in the hell would you go back to play in the water.

.... hold on. Is he... I think he is. I think he is scared of the water.

.... oh god this is going to be painful.

Just like this entire show.

Then he goes off on a rant... about science.

Walk away now, Nagi, before it's too late. This dude is nuts.

So he returns to the others, to inform them that Rei is probably afraid of water. While they work on the new poster for the club.

....... Haru should consider a career in art. Or English.

Then Nagi returns to his original plan: stripping and Miss Ama. Except instead of having her strip down, he's thinking of making the point that YOU can strip down FOR HER. Which is... incredibly questionable to begin with, but now it's on even more shaky ground here.

Said every politician ever.

So guess who just happens to overhear them talking about this stuff?

Oh, right. Their teacher. I somehow get the feeling she is not pleased by this.

Then it's a peaceful walk back home with Mako, talking about how they'll be running into Rin at the tournaments, blah blah blah. Oh, and he tells Haru about meeting up with their old swim coach, who delivers pizzas now.

Back on the track, brainiac is doing more science before his jump, and nails the bar almost with his face, only to get lectured by his coach. Perfect form, but he is clearly not improving at all at this whole pole vaulting thing. Probably because he doesn't understand sports at all.

Over at the pool, Gou has more great news. She managed to schedule a joint practice with that one school they broke into. Awesome. I get the feeling she may have had only to talk with that one guy just a little bit to make this happen. Y'know, the captain of the other swim team.

Nailed it.

Um. It really didn't take much convincing at all really.

... yeah.

Of course, this returns us to the original problem: They still need a fourth swimmer. Nagi isn't going to let Gou's sex appeal go to waste here, which offends her because she totally did not use her womanly figure to... oh screwit, the dude was already falling head over heels for her when they met last episode. Whatever.

Meanwhile, over at the other school, someone is grumpy about the joint practice.

LOOK AT MY FACE THIS IS MY GRUMPY FACE
BECAUSE GIRLS ARE INTO GUYS WHO GRUMP.

So the kid that Rin is talking to happens to know everybody, because he was also at that one tournament that everyone keeps flipping shit over. Y'know, the one with the trophy that means nothing. But the other guy was there to watch and remembered everyone's names.

Elsewhere, Haru is busy feeding cats, petting them, and sneezing all over their food.

Next day, Nagi approaches Rei one more time, asking if he can run with him, because... I dunno. He's probably going to spend the entire run talking about the past. Like how he and Haru used to run like this to swim practice, and he'd do the play it cool thing like Rei is doing right now, and how all of this should be perfect for him to join the swim club. Which eventually prompts him to ask why it has to be him.

Because he has a girly name.

Yes. That is really his entire reason, which elicits the obvious WTF from genius boy.

What a roundabout way of hitting on a guy.

But it gets worse.

I don't even have words for this.

Just there mere thought of the idea is enough to send Rin practically into a panic attack.

Probably the most accurate depiction of actual swimming
you will find in this entire show.

Oh, but Haru is a beautiful swimmer. Oh god. Oh sweet dear merciful god. Now Rin will want to see Haru swim. Rin decides that he will join the club, temporarily, for the joint practice. But he will NOT swim.

.... that is some kind of ultimatum, that's for sure. Cut to the joint practice, where Gou is practically enjoying a regular buffet of manliness the likes of which have not been seen since Hard Gay. Then the captain comes over to do the meet and greet with the other team, impressed with Haru's record. Then Grumpy and his new boy-toy are hanging out nearby.

I don't know that kid's name but he keeps showing up.
So he must be important.

Then Gou runs over to try and talk to her brother, joined by Nagi, and dude walks off saying they're all just a waste of his time. Kind of like this entire show is a waste of mine, because these characters should all die in a fire.

So now we get to the actual part of the show where they are supposed to swim. Of course, the first thing the other team captain wants to do is see the newbie in a swimsuit. Oh, but Nagi tries to cover, saying he forget his. Which is fine, because he can borrow one of their spares, so hurry the hell up and get changed so you can get in the water geez.

So gray-hair pictured earlier, his name is Nitori. Who drags him off and puts him into a swimsuit, and poor Rei looks like he's about to have a heart attack. Finally its his turn, and he needs to get into the water because social pressure dictates he must. He does all the math, he should be able to do this.

Graceful. Like a goddamn brick swan.

It's so bad, they have to immediately repeat it from the opposite angle. Everyone is literally speechless.

Everyone.

Welp. Looks like you're in the market for a new teammate.
Again.

So in Haru goes to rescue the stone swimmer. Because he can't swim. Not that he wanted to admit it, of course. But he's goign to watch Haru swim because everyone likes that right? It was at that moment, that Rei was in love. Because Haru is amazing and gives him a raging science boner. He don't need no fancy maths, he just straight up leaps in there and makes shit happen. Y'know, because that is what a sport is ALL ABOUT.

Rei wants to learn to swim like that. Back on the track, he gives the pole vault one more try. No math, he just friggin FLIES. And falls. Because the belly flop was such a wonderful idea the first time around, now he has to do it during a pole vault. -_-

CAUSE I'M FREEEEE! FREE FALLLLLIN!

I'm no expert, but when his throat hit the bar he probably should have, I dunno, crushed his trachea. And likely twisted his neck. And wound up in the hospital. Great thing this is an anime!

Well, on closer examination, looks like he nailed his collar bone, but still. That shit has got to hurt. Somehow, he still manages to land on his back but... man.

Then he comes over, and tells Haru that he wants to be free. Like Haru. So he's joining the swim club because screw this track thing, dude wants to be FREE. Oh, and he wants Nagi to "take responsibility" since he was the one that wanted him to join in the first place.

So. Many. Gay. Overtones. It hurts.

Finally, the episode is over. And oh god. I think there's enough material to warrant continuing this show. If only because it is still pretty goddamned bad.

You're welcome, internet. You're welcome.