Strike Witches Episode 02 - To Do What I Can

Tonight, I had one of those damning choices to make. Do I watch more of a show I already know I hate with the fury of a batallion of Spartan warriors? Or do I take the chance, and see if maybe Sailor Moon might somehow improve between season one and two?

As you can tell by the title above, I've made my choice. Because for some reason, I'd rather put off old magical girl anime and instead opt for the historically-inaccurate magical girl show. With pantsu all over.

I'll try not to hurl all over my keyboard.

So in case you missed the first episode of the show, they're nice enough to show you the brilliant tactical prowess of the world's air forces in that they are surprised that sending fighter planes after a giant black swirly cloud in the sky is, in fact, a terrible idea. Then some aliens came down and blew up the Eiffel tower, a girl climbed a tree to save a cat, and then got on an aircraft carrier for no readily discernible reason. Something about her father. Whatever. Then aliens attacked as the ship neared its destination yadda yadda girls flying with no pants on yay.

It's rare that I watch an intro and it just fills me with a deep, unsettling sense of irritation. Not rage, mind you, that's the wrong word to describe it. This is just a deep-seated irritation, like when you get a kink in your neck that you just can't get rid of. That's what this show feels like. Like a goddamned muscle spasm that just WONT CUT IT THE HELL OUT.

I can only imagine the thought process behind this show. "Hey, let's make a show about little girls with big guns! Oh, but wait. Let's also give them magic powers! And plane engines on their legs! Oh, and lets also take away their pants because guys love that! By the way, magical girls are always like, 13 right? Yeah this is going to be the best show ever especially since they all turn 10% anthro when they use their magic powers. This literally appeals to every demographic ever. That means it will obviously be the best show ever."

NO. NO IT DOES NOT YOU IDIOTIC SIMPS. I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN CAVEMEN COULD COME UP WITH A MUCH BETTER CONCEPT THAN THAT AND MOST OF THEIR CONCEPTS REVOLVED AROUND STABBING THINGS UNTIL THEY STOPPED MOVING OR RAN OFF A CLIFF. THERE'S SOME CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT FOR YA, STABBING THINGS UNTIL THEY DIE OR RUN OFF A CLIFF. FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY THAT.

Right, so back to the show, where the giant aircraft carrier is preparing to launch its almost hundred-strong fleet. Or something.

I hope you're not planning on trying to launch these....

If my grandfather saw that, I am fairly sure that he would probably have a cross thing or two to say about it. You don't normally go into battle with all your planes on the deck like that - that's a great way for them to get blown the hell up before they even get to take off, not to mention making it impossible for other planes to take off afterwards. Besides, I thought planes were useless against the Neuroi, which is why you have little girls all over the world facing the alien menace with no pants?

Also, despite the fact that the Neuroi seem able to understand "hey these things are dangerous", they fail to recognize the greatest threat as being the largest ship in the fleet. Which it flies directly over without firing a single shot.

So then the captain is all getting pissy and orders the planes to take off, while our heroine cowers in the medical bay because what the hell else is she gonna do. Then Sakamoto comes in to go off on her about being scared because that is sort of a thing that happens in these situations.

But this is the perfect time for a pep talk. Also, a magical talking earbud that lets them talk anytime.

Hey I just met you, and this might sound crazy, but...

Of course, she should only contact the Major in the event of an emergency. Which is never going to be a problem, I'm sure. Then she goes off to fight the alien menace, telling Yoshi to stay the hell put. Then the alien comes flying towards them and over them again, once more totally ignoring the fact that it should probably attack that big ship below. No, it decides that it's a much better idea to get rid of all the smaller, less effective ships first.

Then the Major takes off with the planes, probably using her magical ear thingy to tell the fighter planes what she intends to do. Because, y'know, there is no other way you would ever be able to communicate at those speeds.

Pantsu shot number two for today. Don't expect more from me.

Within 15 seconds, you are treated to the third pantsu shot as she runs around doing the Touhou thing, then pulls off her eyepatch and prepares to finish this thing off. Though it doesn't want anything to do with that, and rebuffs her because, well, it's an alien that doesn't want to be destroyed. Why it waited so long to attack, I don't even know.

Now we learn that the rest of the 501st is 20 minutes out, so just relax, you guys just need to not get completely destroyed in that amount of time. No big deal.

Yoshi watches the fight, and realizes that she is completely freaking useless! Way to go, that's what you get for being a pacifist that hates war even when it is pressed upon you. So clearly the best thing for her to do is run up on deck with a bunch of medicine, and use the communicator to totally distract the person fighting for her life. And your life. Because y'know, that's fashionable.

Clearly, the proper response for Mio is to scream at her to stop being stupid and go back inside. But is Yoshi going to listen?

NO. She is going to continue screaming into the earbud thing to make sure that her new friend is okay EVERY POSSIBLE SECOND. Because hey, it's only like she's fighting for her life you stupid little shit, so it's okay for you to be pestering her all the goddamn time.

Then Mio's gun overheats, and she says "screw this, just gonna hit it with my sword" and the sky explodes in light. Pretty.

This captain looks way too excited by this.

She turns out to totally rip off its wing, which is no big deal because it just regenerates it, but that gives her enough time to find the core. So that's cool. Then something finally explodes on the carrier, and Yoshi discovers that if you are carrying a bunch of medicine, you are technically a medic and should probably try to go stop folks from bleeding to death.

You're about to be treated by a 13 year old with zero
medical training and uncontrollable healing magic.
Sorry bro.

So Yoshi starts trying to heal the guy, and is hurting him in the process, causing the actual medic to ask her what the hell she thinks she's doing, and to get the hell away. Then she says, but it's okay because I can use magic!

I'm sorry, did you completely miss the fox ears that just
popped OUT OF HER HEAD?

Though, even if she can use magic, he can still treat the injured faster than she can, so she should just step away and let people with actual skills and experience do their job. Of course, she refuses to do that, because she wants desperately to do what she can to help out.

So being in the way and arguing over a man who is dying is totally being helpful.

Now you see why I hope this girl dies in a violent fire because she should not be allowed to exist. Just dump her overboard and be done because SHE WILL KILL ALL OF YOUR CREW TRYING TO TREAT THEIR WOUNDS. BY NOT LETTING THEM GET TREATED.

Instead, he tasks her with getting as many bandages as possible, because arguing with a young girl is totally stupid.

Up in the sky, those zeroes (that's what those planes are called in case you didn't know) are going to buy the Major some time. They'll reveal the core so she can strike it down. By the way, those planes get shot down, and those seem to be the very last ones, so now the Major is all by herself. Whoops. Guess using all those planes was a bad idea after all.

Then the alien reveals that the carrier is wearing a thick coat of Plot Armor, because despite being a target five times LARGER than all the others ships, it cannot seem to hit them worth a damn. The best it can manage is hitting just beside the ship.

So you can instagib all of the smaller ships in the fleet, but the biggest one you can't even hit? Oh my god you are literally the worst alien invader ever. Even worse than the ones that run on Mac OS.

Yeah, I just went there.

Speaking of being the worst at everything you do...

Great job kid. Now none of these bandages are usable.

It's around this time that maybe she realizes this was probably a really shitty idea. Which is also right around the same time that the alien actually hits a giant target. This causes Yoshi to be rendered unconcious, while Mio is all freaking out about not hearing back from her now. This is the perfect time for a dream sequence involving daddy.

You know. The one where he's all "you should be a great person". You know what happens next?

This. This happens next. LENS FLAAAAAAARE.

Now, let's just think about this for a second. So far, she has managed to completely screw up everything she has tried to do this entire episode. But now she sees these things, that she has never used before, which is powered by magic that she can't even CONTROL. You cannot honestly tell me she isn't going to try strapping those things on and flying into battle. You honestly cannot. Because you know that is the thing which always seems to happen next.

It's almost like it was her destiny to wear those things on her legs. So clearly, she's going to be totally reckless and save the day.

The captain orders everyone to prepare abandoning ship, then his CO is all "oh hey, someone's on the elevator, what should we do?"

Shoot her. For the love of god shoot her and dump her body in the ocean and forget this entire show ever happened PLEASE. Before she gets EVERYBODY KILLED.

Oh hey, but let's ignore all that stuff like logic and reason, and let's just play some dramatic music that usually indicates everything is going to be okay, despite the person you are playing it for being a complete and utter f**k-up.

Then everyone is surprised that, not only can she use a Striker, but she's the daughter of the guy who made it. Then she takes off with a gun on her back, because you know she is gonna save the day.

So now, she has had a total reversal of character with zero room for development. Which brings me to the next thing that literally infuriates me about this character: She just does whatever is dramatically demanded, regardless of anything she has ever said in the past. Because now she is totally gonna participate in war because it seems like she is absolute shit at everything else.

Which is the worst reason to go to war ever.

Then the carrier gets hit more, and she gets off in the air, and somehow manages to not crash into the ocean, despite my greatest hopes that she would. Next thing you know she's a thousand feet in the air and freaking out because she has no idea how to use these things.

She says as she spins head over heels like Team Rocket
in the background.

Then the alien attacks and we get our fifth pantsu from Mio as our heroine protects herself from the alien blast. Are these shots necessary? Not at all. Will you see more of them? Of course you will.

So then Yoshi is all "Yo, I brought you a Tommy gun, because I heard you like guns" and Mio is all "nah, you use it, you're here you might as well make yourself useful." Because that is the smartest idea in the world, right? Then again, if the alien is too busy focusing on her, you can kill it and maybe ditch her at the same time and it's the best of every possible world. No, instead, she's trying to groom her into being something other than a completely useless lump of flesh. Greaaat. So she tells Yoshi where the core is, and says she'll draw its fire while she tries to killify this thing.

You are doomed.

So she gets attacked once, and suddenly, Mio starts rethinking all of this. Seriously, she got attacked ONCE. And now the Major is all "maybe you should just go back." AGAIN, FLIP FLOPPING CHARACTERS, STOPPAT. If her limit is only taking two enemy attacks, you are probably better off without her since she will only slow you down to begin with. But hey, they're heroes in an anime, so who is ever going to listen to a little thing called reason?

Once more they try this thing, and this time she gets up reaaaaaal close to the alien so she can blow the ever-living hell out of it, revealing the core, but unable to kill it because she is a weak little bitch. But that's fine because someone else finishes the job for her, and it explodes into a bunch of polygonal shards. She also passes out immediately afterwards.

This one in the front is more heavily armed than some
aircraft in their time. That's distressing.

Then the backup arrives, and already a possible girl-love relationship is revealed with the blinde tsundere losing her shit because the Major is carrying some girl that isn't her.

Your name is Perrine and I already hate you too. Die.

Of course, it's not like it gets any better at this point. We're all downhill from here.

Stop, you are way too close and not even carrying her
the correct way. This doesn't make sense at all.

Then Yoshi is all "hey I screwed up sorry" and the Major is all "nah, it's cool, look at all these bros you saved". Which is not the correct response because she did, in fact, screw up pretty horribly and her behavior cannot be excused even with the results being what they've become. Ugh.

Next thing you know, we're in Britannia. Yay. There are some ruins. Guess that was where the letter was from, but there's nothing left now. Five years ago this is where the Striker was developed. So yay. Then the Major tells her these things, and instead of being outraged, Yoshi is glad to have been brought all this way. Despite being lied to, I guess.

At this point, Mio says that she lived with her dad for some time, and they talk about how awesome her dad was, and how he died, and you know, how much death sucks. Yoshi got her silly little hopes up, even knowing her father was legally dead, having gotten the letter, and she visits what is presumably his grave.

I liked it better when they called this story Spiderman.

Blah blah he made the Striker unit because he wanted to protect people and then the little girl cries because her father has been dead for years. Then there's a peaceful shot of a seagull flying off into the sky, which transitions to the sun setting over the water. Then Yoshi asks to join the Strike Witches. Since she wants to protect people.

Totally not because she is completely f***ing USELESS otherwise. Then there's a giant castle and we get to see all of the 501st meet the new girl. They've got everyone: The blonde tsundere, the Rei Ayanami, the Asuka, and a bunch of others that I'll get into next episode because screw this shit I've had enough.

To hell with this show. I hope everyone that came up with it meets a horrifyingly violent end because THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE THIS SHOW.