Free! Episode 05 - Trial in Open Water!

Welcome back, dear Internet. Did you miss this show? I certainly didn't. I got a whole two weeks away from the wonderfully wet world of Free!. How many other shows let you break the rules of punctuation by placing a period after an exclamation mark? Not many, I'll wager. It's like they want us to break all the rules here.

Don't even get me started on .hack//INSERTTITLEHERE. That's another rage moment for another day. So much potential wasted...

Right, so this is a show about fictional people doing fictional things, and totally not about real high school boys who are secretly genderbent girls who like to go swimming. This is also a show which, by some amazing twist, actually uses a great format for telling a story, by just leaping right into the episode and not even bothering with that whole "last time on" bullshit. It's got too much half-naked young men to throw at you to care about things like that.

God damnit it hasn't even been 20 seconds yet!!!

So they jump right into this with the boys all standing behind Gou who for some ungodly reason is wearing that outfit while being watched performing the art known as calligraphy. Calligraphy is a pretty big thing. I was unaware, however, that the modern day use of it required traditional garb as well.

What is she doing, exactly, though? Doing up all the pages reminding people of the looming tournament. Because they need a daily reminder to show that the deadline is coming up. At least she's trying to do her job well.

Thank you for asking that burning question for me, and
not just writing it off like some other shows would.

She fails to answer it, of course, and instead elects to chase all the boys out, since they should be practicing instead of haranguing her.

In retrospect, that was probably a really bad idea.

But in true fashion, they take this seemingly random event and turn it into a PLOT POINT! (Yes, the exclamation mark was necessary there, like with everything else in this show.) Turns out she's uncovered some really old notebook hidden under the mat! What's inside? SOME MOTHER-F***ING INTRO THAT'S WHAT.

Once we return to the show, their new tracksuits have finally arrived, and who better to show them off than our very own Nagi, who is just so incredibly overjoyed at getting to show off his new clothes to all of his guy friends. What's Rei's first instinct, however? To lift Nagi's jacket up to look at the shirt underneath.

... I just don't even have words for this. Have a picture instead.

Clearly it is your mascot.

Here, have another one just because.

They like to watch.

Nagi explains: That's the Secret Iwatobi version, since you were against putting him on our uniforms." To which Rei replies, "Huh, so there's a secret version?" I get the feeling that's one of those jokes which gets lost in translation, but I'm just not entirely sure what the hell they're trying to get at here. I mean, it's just like, you put it on the back of the shirt so people wouldn't see it? Which makes sense in a way, but why not just say "I put it on the shirts"? That would be a lot less confusing.

So Mako then begins going over boring swimming stuff - the styles they'll be swimming during the tournament. Once everyone knows how they'll be swimming, Mako goes on to say they really need to practice endurance swimming, because it's been a long time since they last seriously competed. The only thing left is to discuss the relay, but they'll get to that later. It's at this point Gou interrupts the boys to show them what she's found:

At least we know we're still watching an anime.

I'm just going to start slamming my head on my desk now.

Because that helps you so much right now.

I am honestly at a loss for words now. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I just don't. I don't want to unpause it. I want to just stop watching, and forget I even ever started watching this horrible train wreck that is Free!. I want to forget it's entire existence. I want to will it out of our world.

But I know that no matter what I do, it will always and forever be there, mocking me. Taunting me.  The internet will not forgive, nor will it forget. Everyone will forever celebrate this show as the most amazing thing on television, and I will be there, going "no it isn't, it really isn't" but then they'll go "WELL DID YOU EVEN WATCH IT?" and then I'll say "well, yes, I did, but I stopped watching because I couldn't take it anymore" and then they'll be all "OH WELL SEE THAT MEANS YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT A CHANCE BECAUSE YOU NEVER WATCHED THE WHOLE THING AND THUS YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID."

F**k you, Internet. F**k you. This show is quickly reaching KnJ levels of "I don't want to watch this show ever again". But you're going to make me watch it, aren't you.

Yes, you are. Because you are a dick. No, you're a collective of dicks. In a bag. A bag of dicks. An entire bag. A douche-bag, perhaps. A douche-bag of dicks.

It is at this moment I realize something. I'm watching a show with homosexual undertones. And now, I am talking about bags of dicks.

OH DEAR GOD THIS SHOW IS TURNING ME HOMOSEXUAL.

So to get back to this shitty show, Gou suggests they steal the training regimen and do a summer training camp on a deserted island just like they used to do decades in the past.

I'm pretty sure this is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I guess back in the day they used to swim from one island to the next, in order to quickly get everyone up to speed. Haru thinks this is just too much effort, which is funny considering he's the one that is supposed to want to beat his worst best friend at swimming or something? He keeps doing that thing where he's like "Yeah I'm going to do this thing" and switching to "Eh, too much hassle, let's just sit around doing nothing".

But Gou says this is something they have to do! Why, their swim club is storied in history as being in sixth place at the tournaments!

I think they mean WEAK! This is Free!, we need
exclamation marks everywhere!

No matter what, Gou is intent on making this thing happen, because... well, because... just because, that's why!

Oh Haru. If you were paying attention, you might see through
the ruse of a young girl wanting to be alone on an island
with four half naked young men. But you're dumb.

Eventually, they all turn to Mako to make a decision, who puts up about as much resistance as a paper towel in a hurricane. It's down to Ms Ama to remind them of the stark reality that is YOU HAVE NO MONEY FOR THIS. Also, there's no way in hell she'll pay for this.

Good thing this isn't one of those things right?

Then she quotes Berard Shaw, because she has to have some sort of grand quote for EVERYTHING, but I have to give them credit: She is incredibly bad at this, and even the people in the show are like "oh man, this lady is bad at this".

Dejected, they all walk home together, eating popsicles from a local Not-Seven-Eleven. Except for Rei, he's one of those juice box pussies. Also, they talk about how they might fund the trip. All of them are broke having bought the track suits and swim suits and popsicles, and they can't get part-time jobs, it's far too late for that. Then Mako says he'll come up with something, and goes home to go get some camping gear, to figure out how to do a training camp without any money.

While they're there, they notice a grave for Mako's pet goldfish he had back in grade school. That's some serious dedication.

Then they take all that camping crap over to Haru's place and dump it there, much to his annoyance, and begin talking about where they could go camping.

I've been saying that about this entire show.

More ideas get thrown around, and then Mako brings them back down to reality: They still need a way to deal with transportation.

Why is she his answer for literally everything?!

Bear with me, I'm going to start slamming my face against a wall again because this is just really grating on my nerves, and I'm not even 8 minutes into this show yet. Every time something comes up, Nagi just tries to throw their teacher at the problem. It's like he doesn't have a single original thought in his tiny little brain ever.

Oh, but hold on, Mako has an answer. Remember their old swim instructor? Guess who has an old squid-fishing boat an a license to use it.

This f***ing guy.

Boy, it's like I'm watching a tv show or something the way these happy little coincidences just keep coming up. OH WAIT I AM.

Yes, because you are integral to today's plot now.

Of course, immediately after saying that, he caves in and says why the hell not. Even though he can't take part in the camp thing, he can at least ferry them there and back, so it's no big deal. So that whole thing just a moment ago? Pointless. Which brings me to the biggest issue with this show and its lack of substance: It just wants to make jokes. That whole gag in the last image was just that: a gag. It had absolutely ZERO BEARING on the events that happen immediately after. He's all outraged and upset and then calmly goes "yeah I'll do it". Why? Because the plot demands that it must - after all, how else are they going to justify drawing you a bunch of half naked young men swimming in the ocean?

I'll just let you come up with the answer to that on your own, how 'bout that.

Then Haru and Mako see Gou off at the train station and stand there in silence for about ten seconds before deciding to go home. Like, literally ten seconds, they just stand there. Why? Will it ever be mentioned, or used to develop something? Nope. It's just a thing they did to pad for time before the boring walk home.

The boring walk home next to the sandy beach.

Sure is a good thing they have a boat to go to those
sandy beach islands because how else would
they ever swim in the ocean?

Then Mako just keeps on talking, and Haru is clearly bored, and eventually stops walking altogether, to ask if Mako is really okay with going out to the ocean. Surprisingly enough, we are met with what would appear to be a completely serious flashback, with lots of people walking in a line. I'm going to guess someone close to him drowned at sea. But when we come back he just sorta goes, "Eh, it's fine, that was a long time ago, I'm good."

Next day, everyone gets together for what is probably the worst idea they'll ever have. Waiting by the boat, they're wondering just where the hell Ms Ama is, when suddenly a tiny pink car goes rushing past them, and she comes over to them wearing... something decidedly not for camping in.

What the hell?

Then he looks at her more closely and goes, "Have we met before?" Oh dear god they are both hitting on one another in the most awkward way possible. Then the boat sets off, and we're sure that this is going to be filled with so much excitement and adventure you could just throw up.

In some cases, literally.

In parting, the pizza guy leaves them with a gift: a big orange box. It's contents? Frozen pizza. The cooler Haru brought? Filled with nothing but mackerel. Once they've discovered this, Rei returns with something important to show them.

What's this? An excuse to draw the enemy's swim team
as well and to create unreal amounts of drama?

Clearly Gou is innocent this time. She had no idea that her brother's school just happened to have a giant secret swimming facility on this remote island IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING NOWHERE. So it's just a coincidence. Sure. A coincidence. It would seem coincidental, if these kinds of things didn't happen ALL THE TIME. A coincidence stops being that when it becomes routine. They call this sort of thing sloppy writing.

So Nagi says they should go say hi, but Haru is all "nope, told Rin we'd see him at the prefecturals, and I'm sticking to that" leaving the others to wonder when that happened. Meanwhile, inside, Rin can smell people from a hundred feet away, through glass.

More shark analogies.

That smell? Turns out it's their lunch. Mackerel curry.

God kill me now.

After they get the tents all set up, the girls reveal that they're going to check into their lodge. Because they are girls, and they get special treatment. Because they're girls.

Oh feminism. Always playing the favorites.

Boy it sure is nice to be rich girls who get to have facials every day or some crap. Anyways, the boys start going over the map of the area, to plan their attack.

Yeah. Those three in the distance.

It's about 1km swim between each, so they're swimming 4km and then doing a 1km run because why not? That doesn't sound to bad, it's just almost two and a half miles of swimming, broken up at the end with a brisk jog a little bit over half a mile. All of that comprises a single circuit. No big deal.

F**k.

Obviously this isn't something Rei can do, but he's all trying to be a man about this thing, and going "no, I'll do what you guys are doing". I guess they came prepared for this, despite having set up a separate training regimen for him.

Is this rapeface really necessary here?

Then Nagi runs off ahead, and soon it's just Haru and Mako standing at the beach, looking out at the ocean, with his insistence that he'll be just fine.

Then comes the montage. How many of these god damned episodes are going to have montages?! Eventually, Rei starts getting really tired. That happens when you're doing as much work as these guys are. Then Nagi does his annoyingly excited thing about doing well and blah blah blah, but in the end they only wound up doing half of their workout. Of course, part of that is likely due to the fact that Rei got tired, but still guys, you're falling behind schedule already. It's going to take an anime miracle to turn this around.

Then Ama comes over with the food, but forgot seasoning, so it's up to Gou to hit the store and have a chance encounter with someone.

They look like such a couple it HURTS.

So Gou and Rin sit down to have a serious talk about how all of this is just a BIG COINCIDENCE, but then Rin shows one of those moments of actual consideration when he learns they are swimming in the ocean. It's almost like he falls out of character because it's such a major thing - as if he's saying "holy shit, even I can't be this much of a massive knob gobbler about Mako swimming in the ocean."

But then he falls back into character with the whole tsundere bullshit. The thing where you try so hard to say you don't care, but actually care a whole lot. God dude, just stop already, you're not even fooling yourself. Blah blah blah the only reason he's going to the prefecturals is so that he can beat Haru for reals, then walks off.

So, let me get this straight. You fell off the swimming horse, the sea horse if you will, because you thought you'd never amount to Haru? I'm really confused here, because I thought you were going to be some Olympic hotshot, and now you're back and you went to a swim school but not to swim? This is all just some melodramatic bullshit for the sake of being melodramatic. Which is the primary reason I really hate this show, because it's all trying to be dark and edgy but you can't even take it seriously because it's trying so hard to be dark and edgy. And in those rare moments when it touches on something that is actually important it just kind of glosses over it and goes "nope, we're good, let's move on now".

Yes. He just put slabs of fish on a pizza, and topped
it with a slice of pineapple.

Ms Ama mentions how she'll never put pineapple on a pizza, and eventually the girls get into a talk about things they hate to eat. Now let me just tell you this: Pineapple is actually really great on pizza if you put it with the right thing. One of my favorite things growing up was pineapple and barbacue chicken on pizza. The way the tangy sauce and the cheese and the sweetness of the pineapple all merged together was just oh my god so good. So much better than having to watch this show, anyway. However, we're creeping up to the end of the episode, and I have a sneaking suspicion about something...

Anyhow, Nagi wonders if Rei is doing alright, and Mako comes over to give him a pep talk about how this is all okay, since the important thing isn't meeting their goals, but swimming together. Then the boys get to their tents.

YES NAGI WE F***ING KNOW.

Oh for the love of-

AND HE'S UPSET ABOUT NOT GETTING CUDDLES.

Then they argue about the arrangement until eventually they just go to sleep, then in the middle of the night Rei wakes up and goes out for a swim - because that's a really great idea.

So glad we have these legal disclaimers or we might get sued.

They immediately follow this up with Rei getting caught in a storm that just suddenly shows up, during which he loses his poor little boogie board, leaving him stranded at least a quarter of a mile away from land, with no swimming aid. Then Mako wakes up, realizing that Rei isn't with him, and goes outside to look for him, seeing the moron bobbling about like an idiot. Realizing he's in actual trouble, he charges at the water, waves, rain, and lightning be damned.

So this is a good time for an ending, no?

I think they figured some people might stop watching this show, so they decided to try to have some sort of tragic cliffhanger. But you know what I say to that?

You had the smartest character do the dumbest possible thing.

And I'll just leave it at that.