Strike Witches Episode 06 - We're the Same

Welcome back to our weekly installment of "reasons I should probably avoid meeting certain people in real life for fear of physical violence". Or you could call it Strike Witches. I don't.

I've talked before about how this show will always have a special place in my heart - the one that burns hotter than a million suns, the kind of place that fries an egg with a stare at a thousand yards. I've run out of other things to say. Let's just get this over with.

Okay, so as memory serves, last week this show became loli lesbian flying witches or some shit. It's really hard to imagine this show possibly sinking any lower than it already has - five episodes in and we've already seen half the cast naked, regardless of actual age, and one of them almost molesting half of her team. So how can it possibly get any worse than this? Let's find out.

Today's episode starts up with Sanya, the one character we've barely seen in the whole show, flying around by herself, humming while... man I don't even know. She's on patrol or some shit for all I can tell.

This makes about as much sense as Hello Kitty Vader.

Anyway, the reason we've barely seen any of her is because of the fact that she always flies night recon missions, and as such is generally asleep while everyone else is awake. Anyhow, while flying around, her little glowing horns make some bullshit alien noise, and she looks off into the distance as she sees a Nativity Star off in the distance. Gee, wonder what that could be? (Hint: Probably an alien.)

But before you can find out you're whisked into the intro that probably makes you want to tear your ears out because at this point it is just flat damned annoying. What's that? I could just skip it you say? NO, I AM HERE FOR THE FULL F***ING EXPERIENCE THANK YOU VERY MUCH SO I WILL JUST PUT UP WITH IT.

Right, so immediately after that, we come to the title slide, which throws me for a loop actually - because this wasn't the title I was expecting. It was listed (for me) as "Solidarity", which is technically correct in context. However, the translation states it as being "We are together", which also makes sense, given the previous word. However, according to Wikipedia, the correct title is "We're the same", which actually makes even more sense, in a way, because Japanese is weird and sometimes that's just how things manage to get lost in translation. It's like how the closest word for "nakama" in the English language is "family", but really, it means something a bit deeper than that, insinuating a bond of friendship that is similar to family, a bond which is unbreakable, and is suppose to instill a great amount of pride and other bullshit. But who cares, you didn't come here for a Japanese lesson, so why bother continuing to stall?

The date is August 16, 1944, which incidentally coincides with a test flight for a new type of German bomber plane. Getting history in my blog? Never. Anyhow, Mio is on a plane with a couple other girls, and is complaining as usual.

They've already taken your pants, what else can they take?
Wait, don't answer that.

Blah blah blah complaining about old men getting cranky about being completely unable to fight a war against an alien race hellbent on razing the planet, while being forced to use little girls with aircraft engines strapped to their legs to defend human civilization as we know it. That sounds ridiculous enough, but budget cuts? Are you f***ing kidding me?! You're talking about literally funding the only thing that is keeping an alien menace from quite literally destroying the planet you live on. And you are worried about the money? I'm pretty sure money is the last issue when it comes to defending your country from being blown the f**k up. Pretty sure.

OH COMMANDER YOU SO CLEVER.

Then they mention the first World War, and Mio apologizes to Yoshi for not being able to show her around Britannia. Why is she even here if this is an important meeting thing anyway? What, did the Major suddenly decide to stop being a responsible person in charge and to just bring along friends all willy-nilly because she feels like it? Then again, she's already done that once before by letting a civilian on-board a military vessel just so she could see her father. Why is she still in command again?

Anyhow, Sanya shows up with her pixie dust trail and is humming along over the radio, because I guess that's just her thing that she does. Then she flies down into the clouds after Yoshi waves at her, and Sanya notices something out of the ordinary - an unidentified aircraft. Probably a Neuroi in the clouds. Mio can't see it, due to this one kind of hiding in the cloud cover, but it's moving faster than anything previously recorded. Yeah, probably even faster than that one from the last episode. Whatever. So being unable to do anything, the girls ask Sanya to buy them some time until backup arrives, because hey, what other choice do they really have? At least Sanya can get a bead on where it is, what with that freaky alien horn thing she's got going there.

At this point they explain that her magic basically lets her see things nobody else can through what I presume is the miracle of sonar technology. This makes her perfectly suited for night duty. Also, she can guide the plane through her singing or something? Whatever. She flies off into the clouds and releases the safety on her rocket launcher, and proceeds to fire a few shots at the enemy, leaving what looks distressingly a lot like explosions the size of small nuclear arms in the clouds.

Subtle isn't she?

So while the plane leaves her behind, Sanya notices the enemy isn't firing back for some reason. Of course, she continues to pretty much obliterate everything that looks like a cloud in sight, worrying absolutely nobody, for reasons I just cannot discern. I'd be pretty concerned myself if I left someone behind who was 'attacking an unseen opponent' and basically lighting up the entire night sky behind me.

Eventually, even though she missed every single one of the whack-a-moles, Sanya gets recalled, the Major have determined there is no real danger to them at this point. So who's to say she didn't just plain go nuts and just decide to unleash her entire arsenal on something? I mean, wiki says she is only 13. Kids get bored sometimes.

Eventually backup arrives, but there's no enemy to fight, and everyone goes home to talk about how only Sanya saw the enemy which never shot back. This makes people wonder what was up with that, and somehow I doubt the 'shy Neuroi' theory is going to hold any water whatsoever. Then Perrine mentions how similar this Neuroi seems to be to Sanya, and now I am just wondering what they are even going on about, especially with her saying they seem to be 'on the same wavelength'.

Does nobody seem to think that maybe this girl could just be losing it? She spends all of her nights alone. In the sky. Don't you know what happens to people that do that on a regular basis? They start losing their shit. Nope, she's perfectly fine. I say they're all in denial.

In what is probably the wisest idea the Commander has had in some time, she assigns Yoshi to play wingman for Sanya at night. Because clearly, the girl needs some kind of company, and given that she is both younger than the character in question and also has a smaller chest, odds are she won't be getting accosted. Sounds like a perfect plan. Though, Eila also volunteers to fly night watch, which totally busts that theory, since the Commander readily accepts this extra addition to the evening crew. So much for good ideas, I guess.

Then Sanya is all blaming herself for letting the Neuroi get away, and the scene ends.

Next morning they've got a ton of blueberries, and everyone is laughing about their mouths turning blue from eating bowls of blueberries. Then the night crew gets sent to bed.

This can't possibly go wrong at all.

Yoshi starts talking about how dark her room is, and Sanya is just all like "whatever, it's always like this, people think I'm a ghost blah blah". Cool story brah. Yoshi makes a comment about how the stickers look like ofuda (good luck charms that keep away evil spirits and whatnot), and Eila mentions they can play with Tarot cards if she's bored. Her special power is fortune telling. That's sure a special power alright. So of course she's gonna tell Yoshi's fortune.

This is a ridiculous amount of imagery here.

Oh, but that's impossible, because the person she most wants to meet is dead! I don't want to spoil anything, but that means you're probably going to die. Don't mean to alarm you kid, but that's the best way to meet a dead person is to become dead yourself.

Not like anybody's smart enough to figure that one out though. Then Yoshi looks at the calendar on the wall, and notices Sanya's birthday is just a few days away! Well then.

Eventually they all get woken up in the evening, and everyone is trying to help them get used to operating at dark. Then there's just general silliness, and then the girls finally find themselves on the runway, preparing to head into the blackened night sky. Of course, this terrifies Yoshi, which is surprisingly enough an incredibly rational state of mind, given that flight is generally risky business as it is during the daytime. Of course, you've already survived a thousand foot plummet into the ocean below while wearing engines on your legs, so I'm pretty sure you'll be just fine.

But she wants to hold hands with Sanya, whose alien horns go from green to pinkish purple due to embarrassment or something?

So then they rise above the clouds and Yoshi is all being a little kid. Commercial break slide!

Eventually Sanya's birthday rolls around, and for some reason Yoshi is giving everyone lamprey liver oil. Why? Because it's good for your eyesight or something? Perrine makes fun of Yoshi for bringing it, Mio reveals she was the one who brought it, typical lesbian unrequited lover tsundere hijinks ensue. Cue more boring comedic outtakes that do nothing to really further any semblance of plot whatsoever.

Then cue the scene where Yoshi asks her new gal pals where they're from, and we get a place that's not Russia and a place that's probably the Ukraine. Also, most of Europe has been pretty much ass-raped by the Neuroi, who've even been nice enough to set up shop, and Yoshi is all "hey I'm sure you'll see your family again sometime, no worries". Then they wake up in the evening and head off to the sauna.

Of course, while in there, Yoshi takes the time to admire Sanya's incredibly pale skin, and Eila probably realizes that their teammate is an incredible pervert, and tells her to stop looking at her friend that way. Sanya is oblivious to all of this.

After the sauna, they go to take a bath, and we get more naked underaged girls, and Eila and Yoshi sneak up on their partner who is sitting on a rock naked, singing to herself.

Is that really the appropriate question here?

Eventually they get noticed, and we are treated to more naked little girls because WHY NOT. JUST WHY THE EFF NOT. NAKED LITTLE GIRLS ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE F**K YEAH JAPAN, THAT'S HOW WE ROLL, GOTTA LOVE THEM THIRTEEN YEAR OLD NIPS FOR NO REASON. WHAT'S THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GIVE US BACKSTORY INTO SANYA? TOO BAD YOU ARE DISTRACTING US WITH DELICIOUS LITTLE GIRL FLESH, NOT SURE WHY YOU EVEN BOTHERED.

Anyhow the thing about the song is that it's something her dad made up for her one rainy day for some really dumb reason, and her dad was gonna get her into a music school. But screw that, let's talk about how much more awesome Yoshi's dad is instead, because to hell with getting to know anybody else, the main character will ALWAYS OUTSHINE THE REST OF THE CAST BECAUSE WE SAY SO. Also, more naked girls lying on rocks because that's just how this show rolls.

Remember that thing I wrote up there at the top? About scraping the bottom of the barrel? At this rate, we'll be halfway to motherf***ing CHINA by the end of this season. Because it's one thing to pander, to hint at things you'll never get to see, because that's why you pander. But this? Motherf***ing THIS?

Look. I get it. You didn't air this. You made sure it was all censored all tastefully and shit. But why, in the name of UNHOLY F**K, DID YOU BOTHER TO DO THIS BULLSHIT? Pandering is one thing. This isn't even pandering at this point. This is you just shoving this shit into our eyeballs, going HERE WE KNOW THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY CAME HERE TO SEE SO HERE YOU GO ENJOY DURR HURR. THIS IS OUR ENTIRE SHOW, NOW WE'VE SHOWN YOU EVERYTHING SO YOU WILL CONTINUE TO WATCH THIS SHOW AND LIKE IT BECAUSE WE HAVE NAKED LITTLE GIRLS.

This is the kind of thing that gets people set on fire. While tied to a stake. That is driven into the top of a school bus. Which is also on fire. And barreling down the road, headed for a ramp leading over a fence. On the other side of the fence? A fireworks factory, filled with rusty nails, discarded medical needles, and razor blades. That happens to be guarded by starving ocelots. Why? Because f**k yes ocelots that's why you asshole.

At this point I totally forget what even was going on, everybody laughs, then the night mission comes around, and it turns out Yoshi admits that today is her birthday! So not Sanya's, I guess. Or maybe it is? Either way, she's been avoiding this thing because her dad also died today, so she didn't bother telling anyone until now because it's a thing she doesn't like to think about. Her dad being dead. It's kind of been a thing she's had to deal with for awhile now.

So Sanya decides to do something nice for Yoshi, and tunes her earbud into music from waaaaaay off in the distance, since it's such a clear night. Then her antlers go crazy just as Eila is about to spill the beans that today is also Sanya's birthday, and we hear some sort of twisted whale song from hell. Guess who's come back to visit?

Mr Glowy Red Dot in the Clouds! How we missed you.

Back at base, everyone is hearing this crap, and the Neuroi seems to be attempting to emulate Sanya's song because that's just how this one rolls. Of course, before anyone can recall the girls, the enemy is about to get the jump, and Sanya tells the others to get away before flying off, and getting nipped by an enemy laser beam. Clearly, she's the target this time. After dropping enough nukes to level a dozen third world countries, I can't possibly imagine why it would want to do a thing like that.

So after getting caught by Eila, Sanya begs them to go away once more, but Eila's all like "screw that", grabs her rocket launcher, and asks Sanya to show her where to aim. Because teamwork is a thing, right? All she needs is the basic gist, she'll let her fortune bullshit deal with the rest.

You have enough firepower to take out Scotland. Who needs
predictions? Also, where the hell are your shorts?

It is at this point that Sanya is allowed to learn the beautiful power of teamwork, and as such begins to guide her teammate. With the stars. Because that's totally an accurate thing, although I suppose if you think about it, they really don't have a whole lot of other things to go by at this point. If only they had some sort of instruments telling them which direction they were facing...

Then some rockets get fired, a laser goes off, but Eila has hurt it. A few more shots go off, and eventually it shows itself, and with the power of teamwork, they manage to bring the thing down, because letting them die would just be way too accurate. Then they hear the song continue to play over the radio - her father playing the piano. Then it's revealed that it was Sanya's birthday, blah blah, boring stuff nobody actually cares about, happy birthday all around.

The next day Mio and the commander are talking about what happened while looking at a grave, and they leave a photo there with all of the girls. I guess the grave is probably Yoshi's dad's? I don't even remember. Or give a shit. Because quite literally, if you're still watching this show for the plot, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

That's assuming this show even has anything resembling a coherent plot to begin with. It left all that shit behind in the second episode. At this point, anyone still watching is doing so not for the animation, which is shoddy. Not for the magical girls blowing things up, because that's pretty boring and uninspired. They aren't even doing it for the enemy designs, because let's face it, this one didn't even HAVE ONE. It was literally just an amorphous f***ing blob that flew int he air came out of a cloud and died. The only thing you ever saw was its glowy red tip which got shot all to hell. You're not even watching this show because it has good artwork - it looks like something that came out of a college student's final.

No, you are watching this show because you want to sex up little girls. Which makes sense considering they are shoving their petite little asses and titties into your face at every given opportunity (and there are quite a lot of liberties taken with giving said opportunities). But as if that wasn't enough? They've pretty much promised that everyone will be naked at some point or another. Actually, I think with today's episode literally the entire cast has been naked on camera.

So what I'm trying to get at here is this: If you want people to like your show because it has an amazing plot or really awesome character development, YOU DON'T DO IT BY SHOWING OFF NAKED LITTLE GIRLS.

At this point, nobody even gives a flying f**k about your show. Except for the pedophiles. AND NOBODY LIKES THOSE ASSHOLES.