Kodomo no Jikan Episode 08 - Hold Me Tightly

So some of you might have noticed there was no post for Monday. Whoops. Things happen, and I just wasn't able to get around to doing anything for Monday. Which is sad, as I was rather enjoying this streak of everything having the same episode numbers relatively close in proximity. Ah well, I'm sure that'll balance.

Now the rather astute members of the audience might have picked up on today's title, indicating that this is not what I would normally be watching. In fact, I'm fairly sure I may have insinuated that I NEVER WANT TO WATCH THIS F***ING SHOW EVER AGAIN. But here I am, doing it. I'm going to just guess this is punishment for missing a post on Monday.

F**k you, person-who-knows-who-he-is. You are a horrible person. But not nearly as horrible as the people who made this steaming pile of donkey turds.

I'll be honest. I really have no god damn clue what happened last episode. However, thanks to the wonders that are the Internet (or rather, just looking back and skimming the title of the last blog post) I am readily able to gather what it was that happened. This may have also caused some highly traumatic flashbacks which make me question my sanity as I prepare to tackle this show. Again.

Why the f**k am I doing this again?

Twenty seconds into the OP, and my eye is twitching. I can feel my arms tensing up, because I know what's coming. I know what's coming and yet I know I'm not allowed to turn back now. I've started walking this horribly dark path again, and if I turn back I'll likely be eaten by a Grue. I don't want to be eaten by a Grue. I like being not eaten thank you very much.

You know what makes this whole thing worse? I'm watching this immediately after coming home from a long day at work. So I'm already tired. But I also know that if I don't get this thing done and over with now, it's not going to get done, because I'll wake up, get something to eat, take a shower and it'll be time to head back to work. So it's now or never. *sigh*

Alright, so today's episode opens up at Rin's Little Petshop of Horrors, where she meets her crazy Deathnote-loving cousin getting ready for work I guess. She's having trouble deciding what to wear - a common issue. T-shirt and shorts, or tanktop with the miniskirt? Clearly, he makes the incredibly wise decision of choosing the one that covers more skin.

Foolish boy, you obviously have no idea how women work. Unfortunately for the entire world, Rin does, and picks the one you knew she was going to choose right from the very start.

You are both poorly educated and rendered. I'm sure
there's another joke in there somewhere.

Then the title slide and I just want to curl into a ball and die. Anyway, our local perverted teacher is standing outside the school gates with that one uptight black-haired bitch, who is all getting up into his shit because his tie is crooked, and how he needs to take his job more seriously. Then Rin comes all charging up and latches onto him, getting all close to his face, doing that cutesy "did you miss me?" bullshit, and the other teacher just frickin' flips the f**k out. Like, her screeching of his name is probably one of the greatest things I've ever heard - that perfect mix of sheer disbelief, shock, and utter horror. It's pretty much how I feel any time I even think about this show.

What, is she jealous he's getting more action than she is?

Unfortunately, her image doesn't accurately reflect the awesome noise she made, which is incredibly disappointing. The one thing I actually find in this show that is GOOD, and they rob me of what could have been the most perfectly fitting image to go around it. Screw you assholes, trolling me like this.

So later on he gets told to "reduce the skinship with the scholars". That's first of all a really stupid word, and second of all if you were paying attention she jumped onto him. He really didn't have any choice in the matter. Not that any of this matters because in the real world he's pretty boned regardless. Why does this man still have his job by the way?

But what about the males? F***ing double standards, man.

Anyhow, once he's done getting chewed out by bitchtits, in front of boobface, he goes walking down the hallway with miss tittytime and he's all talking about how grumpyclit is all getting sand in her vag, but more than usual. The reason is because some other bitch teacher is coming to visit who used to work there, but I guess she was beloved by all her students or something, and for some reason that makes frumpybabs there start pissing in cornflakes as a means of passive aggressive stress relief. Or some bullshit, I don't know how that's supposed to make any goddamn sense at all.

That is until we learn that the other teacher left due to GETTING MARRIED.

Oh, so she is jealous because she's not getting any action.

GEE I F***ING WONDER WHY, IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE BECAUSE YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE CUNT, GOD.

It is at this point where I notice that I'm not even 4 minutes into the episode, and I'm already getting, shall we say, incredibly offensive and insensitive. So if you have an issue with me referring to people as cunts, whores, or anything incredibly derogatory like a  Jewish crackwhore grandmother, you might just want to skip to the end where I inevitably implode because I'm about to go set a homeless shelter on fire or something. Because I'm pretty sure that's where this is going to end.

In my defense, I'm sure those homeless folks will look incredibly cold.

Sounds like someone couldn't open her legs if they used
the Jaws of Life on them.

Right, so let me just get this whole thing straight. Bitchface there's whole issue with this entire deal is that some chick who was her rival went off and got hitched, and because of that, she feels the need to be some kind of superteach that gives precisely two shits about being liked by people, because she will teach you to death if she has to. And I'm supposed to care about this person... why exactly?

Actually, I'm supposed to care about this show why, exactly?

So Daisuke tries to turn this whole thing over in his mind. Why does she take her job so seriously that she's gotta be a f***ing prude about everything?

Of course! How foolish of me. Clearly that is the answer.

So five seconds later Rin has attached herself to his back (while he is sitting at his desk), wondering if he wants to see her panties. They've got lots of lace. And they're cute.


It's amazing how quickly something this terrible can ruin a person's day. Not to say I wasn't already working on having a kind of edgy day as it was, but this? Oh man. F**k this show man.

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I think I'm going to cry. I am forced to resort to using internet memes to communicate my complete and utter distress at watching this show. (Future me note: There was a broken image link here and I'm just too lazy to fix it, so please imagine some definitely clever mid-2010s internet anger meme was posted above.) I'm not even five minutes in. Not even. 4:15. I want to quit. I want to stop now. I don't want to live on this planet any more.

All because. Of this. F***ing. Show.

Of course, it seems like I might have paused the show just a few seconds too soon, because then Daisuke manages to do the smartest thing he will ever do. That is, up until his life becomes a legitimate living hell. As if it wasn't already, but at least he isn't on any sexual predators lists yet. He straight up tells Rin "if you keep doing that shit I will just ignore you". So she's like, "But what if I give you a kiss on the cheek?"

And then he commences the silent treatment.

HA. TAKE THAT YA LITTLE BITCH. TAKE IT. WAIT NO
DON'T TAKE IT OH GOD WHERE IS THE MINDBLEACH.

Then she asks for a hug, and gets a little bit weepy when he continues to ignore her, so she grabs hold of his hand and forces it onto her chest, at which point he just kind of angrily jerks it away and goes right back to work ignoring her. This clearly confuses her, so she starts getting all teary-eyed, and he's like "oh thank god it's working".

Until she straight up pretty much grabs hold of his crotch and talks about how big he's gotten so suddenly.

I have to work really, really hard to keep myself from crying now. I don't want to keep watching this any more. I would never, ever wish this show upon anyone. EVER. Especially not after this latest thing by Rin makes him crack, proving once again that he has the fortitude and backbone of a wet paper towel in a hurricane.

It's like the entire show is just falling apart at this point.
Not unlike my mental state.

Suddenly, the entire world is moving at about five frames per second. All of the animation is getting jerky. It's like... it's like the animators simply lost the will to live at this point. Nobody cares about this project. Nobody is ever going to buy this show. Nobody is ever even going to watch it. Because if anyone tries to, they'll probably want to kill themselves by injecting hot forks into their eyeballs. Hot forks made of lava. From the sun.

Great. She's even more scarred for life now, because
SHE KNOWS WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE.

Daisuke tells Rin off again, and she runs off, angry because she can't touch him. So then at recess later, the boys are all hanging off of him and she's all like "man that's not fair". You are molesting the man, THAT IS NOT FAIR YOU LITTLE CUNT-PERSON. AUGH I CANT EVEN MAKE GOOD INSULTS THIS IS HOW ANGRY I AM. HERE HAVE SOME MORE CAPSLOCK OF RAGE. I SHALL CALL IT RAGELOCK.

Then Kuro comes over and Rin is like, "Hey after school I have this great idea." After school, Kuro and Mimi go to her house, makeup kit in tow.

No. Stop. Please god. Just stop. Please. Stop.

And now. She has resorted. To cross dressing. So that she can continue. To sexually molest. Her instructor. Who is more than twice her age. She isn't even 13 yet. You are in the third grade. Third. Grade. That's like, barley even ten. Why do you already...

This show literally just created a new low for itself. Like, there was the bottom, which they reached pretty fast. Then they dug to the ground beneath the bottom - that's pretty common. Then they continued beyond that, until the reached like, the core of the f***ing Earth. But then? Then, they did some magical bullshit and conjured up an entirely new level of lowness just specifically to mindf**k you. By which I mean me.

F**k this show.

First of all, who is going to be fooled by this shit to begin with? Secondly, why would you ever think this was even a good idea? Third of all, WHY WON'T YOU JUST GET HIT BY A BUS OR SOMETHING TRAGIC ON YOUR WAY HOME?

No. No she is not. And neither are you. Please die
from massive blood loss now.

Rin wants Kuro to show her ways to look more like a boy with makeup. For some reason, Kuro is perfectly okay with this whole thing. Why?

That scream you heard just now was me. Attacking my desk.
With my face.

They go so far as to make fake nameplates for Rin, because her cover identity will totes be legit with one of those. Because it's not like they know all of the kids who are in the school or anything. Then we get a flashback of Kuro sitting in class literally pulling the "BITCH I AM FAAAABULOUS" card in the middle of class for no reason. Because I guess she's the only one mature enough to truly appreciate fashion. These are adults in children's bodies, and that just makes this entire thing all that much more horrifying for some reason. Because there is not a child in the world their age that thinks like that, and manages to act the way they do. No, they *pretend* to be those things, not actually *being* them.

But then her moment of self-absorbed nonsense is interrupted by everyone totally ignoring her and instead looking at Rin, who looks like she just died inside. Oh, but that's cool because she looks so cute because she looks like a lifeless doll. Kids don't ever say that shit about kids who look like that. You know what they say instead? "Holy f**k look at that bitch, stay away from her or she will EAT YOUR SOUL." Which would actually be the appropriate thing to say, since we know what Rin turns into.

Of course, flashback Kuro is all "grr she looks too awesome". Meanwhile in the hall, some kids are like "Man, that Kuro is a bitch who is full of herself". Which is the thing I just said that most people tend to say about other people. With these kids is a very flat-chested Mimi, who is just kind of standing there with the same expression as a deer caught in the headlights. Y'know. Lost. Because she gets asked a question. Secretly, of course, she's all like "man I think she's cute and everything" but then nobody wants to talk to a socially awkward kid who can't even be bothered to answer a question, so they just wander off and say "forget this".

Kind of like real kids.

Oh how tragic, that all of the kids who are NOT THE MAIN CHARACTERS actually tend to act LIKE REAL CHILDREN.

This translates to "I'm a stuck-up bitch and nobody likes
me but you can't say no so you are now my friend."

So of course the first thing she does to Rin is to find out who made her clothes. Oh but they're handmade? Gee, how poor she is. Ha ha look at the poor girl who I said was just my friend. Oh why isn't she saying anything? Or even moving? I bet it's probably got nothing to do with the reason why nobody is ever talking to the creepily silent girl. Eventually she walks off, and then guess who gets stuck in a group of three during a ball game at recess?

Anyhow, some little dicknugget pegs Rin in the back of the head with a ball, knocking her over.

This artwork just gets worse and worse with every passing
second. Look at this shit.

So then the kid's like "I'm sure she can't feel anything. Hey, she probably lost her voice when her mom died. Man, people dying is such a trendy and awesome thing let's laugh about her mom dying while making the sound of someone flatlining because that is hilarious." That's the kind of thing that would normally make me angry. Instead? It makes me feel relieved because THAT IS THE KIND OF HORRIBLE SHIT CHILDREN ACTUALLY DO. For one f***ing episode, we get to see the kinds of things kids ACTUALLY GET UP TO.

Then the teacher runs over and the kids run off blah blah. So guess who that visiting teacher is? The one that broke up that thing on the playground.

So she decides to talk to Daisuke about Rin or something.

Back in flashback land, Kuro begins to use Rin as her personal doll to play with her makeup. Because that's totally a trendy and hip thing to do to your friends, taking advantage of the fact that they give precisely two shits about anything, ignoring the fact that something is actually wrong. Kids these days, right?

So then she decides she's gonna strip Rin down and change her into something prettier, and...

NO. JUST NO. F***ING NOPE. NO. WE ARE DONE HERE. F**K THIS SHOW. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

NO MORE KNJ EVER. WE ARE DONE. I HOPE YOU ALL BURN IN A HOUSE FIRE IN YOUR SLEEP OR SOMETHING BECAUSE F**K THIS.