Sailor Moon R Episode 04 - Usagi's Crisis! The Tiara Doesn't Work

Once again, it's that time. I'd rather be doing a lot of other things than watching this, but there's something about consistency which just, well, calls to me. Also, the fact that the longer I put off this show, the longer it'll take me to actually get through it all.

Also, the new Sailor Moon show has once again been re-scheduled for the end of this year. I wish they'd make up their damn minds once in awhile. Though, I suppose if they could have done that twenty years ago, I wouldn't be writing this blog now, would I?

Okay, so let's see what we've got here. Aliens crash landing to suck Tokyo's life energy dry (and by extension, eventually the entire world), who also happen to be twin lovers who want to bang everything on two legs that is the opposite gender. Also, Tuxedo Mask is now totally Arabic, and throws white roses. Even though I'm not entirely convinced that's actually him, but odds are they'll do the thing you don't expect and do the thing you should have expected in the first place. Assholes.

So today on Sailor Moon, some people play laser tag and watch Godzilla on holovision. Either that or they get together and play some shitty VR game that existed in the 90's. Or that they wished existed in the 90's. You know how this crap goes.

Today, they kick the episode off with Usagi's mother ripping the blankets off her bed and throwing her daughter out of it, saying she's oversleeping even though it's a sunday. Odds are she really just wanted to do laundry or something, whatever. A boring intro for a boring episode. There's no way this could ever possibly go wrong.

Over at the Doom Tree, evil never looked so sickly. I guess they haven't gotten as much energy as they thought. Or, alternatively, they've just been burning up the energy they've been harvesting a lot faster than normal. That kind of happens when you're addicted to life. Also, they want to remind you that if the tree dies, they die. Because it isn't like that's something they've been saying for the last four episodes. Then they do some slow panning of static images to some trippy 90's scifi sound effects, and Ali is now sitting in the living room all angry at some poster.

It's like real life if real life were composed of a bunch of pixels.

Instead of being angry at the fact that people are shooting giant plants with lasers, he gets the idea that it would be a great place to send a Cardian to get energy. Okay. I mean, this is a densely-populated area, one would think that you're a hop, skip, and a jump away from some major shopping district like Harajuku or something. Y'know, a place where tens of thousands of people show up every day. But no, your plan to camp out some crappy VR cabinet seems pretty cool too I guess.

Of course two seconds later we see Usagi standing in front of the very arcade, talking to her cat which just so happens to be hanging off of her shoulder, like always. Also, proving just how very blonde she really is.

Stop it you're making the rest of us blondes look bad.

Anyhow, because she is such a pro at games, she needs to show off her "mad skills". For some reason, Luna invited the other girls (who haven't shown up yet), but that makes me wonder why you would bother getting them all together in an arcade. There's just one tiny problem.

Guess where their entire budget went: This static image.

So Usagi shows up and realizes that everyone there is basically a couple. Oh gee, how depressing, it is just you and your cat. This realization makes her super depressed, and she decides it isn't worth it, because it's 'just a war game'.

But it's a war game for couples.

A war game for couples.

Huh? No, seriously, what? Since when did 'romantic time out' mean "pick up fake laser guns and shoot giant enemy plants?"

I guess Luna's position makes... a little sense?

Oh but the stupid rabbit doesn't want anything to do with something that might be related to work! She'd much rather be with Mamoru. Maybe then she'd consider something as dumb as this. Despite the fact that not two minutes earlier she wanted to show off her mad skills. How do you go from wanting to show off your nonexistent mad gamer skills to not wanting to do anything that doesn't involve a boy? Answer: By being a phony gamer girl, that's how.

Anyhow, this leads to a very public interrogation of her cat to discover how to restore Mamoru's memories, once again ignoring the fact that dude has died at least three times, maybe that's not the kind of thing you want to bring back. I mean, you'd think something like that would be kind of traumatic? Especially if you consider that she was the one to kill him the last time.

I'm just saying, maybe that isn't the best of ideas.

Then everybody's favorite stalker shows up telling her to quit playing with her cat in public.

I bet you were expecting me to say something else.

So he's all "lol no date you should go to a library because books are awesome". One would think this might have a positive effect on her, since girls would be all "ohmaigawd that hot dude I totally want to bone totally likes girls who are into books so I should be more into books so he can doooo meeee." But this is Usagi we're talking about, and she's all like "oh screw you I totes have a guy" and then he walks off to wait an hour in line by himself to a virtual reality experience. Yeesh.

Obviously the only course of action is for her to get in there and change her mind yet again. Women, right?

So Ali shows up and starts harassing ushers with his eye lasers, and En is all slapping uppity schoolboys for some reason. I guess they want to get the message across: They are clearly bad dudes.

Look at that little girl in line. Is this really the appropriate
place to bring your little girl?

Anyhow, Mamoru shows up and pretty much gets the guy to shut up, so you know that En is gonna be all *swoon* and shit. Dude walks off, and as predicted she gets all clingy with him and he's all like, "Man, did I leave the oven on when I left? I sure hope not. I really liked that TV I bought."

"I sure hope I remembered to feed my fish, I love those
guys with their little 'bloop bloop' faces. Yeah..."

After about two seconds, things, er, escalated dramatically.

Fine art, this is.

So in case you're wondering what the actual deal is: Ali is mad at En for clinging to some dude that isn't him (despite him wanting to do the same to girls), Usagi is also mad at her for clinging to a dude who was never technically in a relationship with her. Then Ali sees Usagi and he's all popping wood over her, and everyone gets acquainted, but nobody is really interested. In a weird sort of way. So after a brief discussion about how playing games with people isn't a game to be playing, Mamoru gets dragged off with two girls, and poor Ali is all like, "shit, how do I get that fly?"

Seriously, you know the dude's gotta be thinking that.

Anyhow, the usher that he had an epic staredown with earlier lets them in, since they are now 'special VIP guests". How very convenient. Y'know what's also convenient? The other girls showing up and spotting Luna just as the others go into the arcade. What a tweeest.

Boy, it's so realistic.

Okay, so basically, everyone is sitting in front of a giant screen, pressing buttons that do... probably nothing in the long run.

If everybody sees the same thing, and 'plays' at the same
time... no wonder they call it a 'virtual theater'.

Right. For the record, this is the worst 'virtual reality' experience ever. Because it's a bunch of people, sitting in the same room in little tank-looking things, in front of a giant screen where things happen on a movie reel. Basically, it's a movie. Except it isn't even very VR, considering they are treated to a flat image.

Worst. VR. Experience. Ever.

Oh, and Usagi's dad and little brother happen to be seated right in front of her. I bet this won't make things awkward at all.

There's so much going on in this image, I'm almost impressed.
Almost.

So instead of hanging on the dude she's been hung up over for a literal lifetime, Usagi decides to start beating up on her little brother. Maybe they do things very different in Japan, but at this point people should be getting kicked out I swear. Then a convenient 'accident' knocks Usagi out of her tank and into the arms of Ali/Seijuro/AlienThatWantsToBangUBlondie. Then her dad whispers a very secret message to her.

A polite way of saying, 'if you are whoring yourself out
I will set your room on fire, bitch.'

Outside, the other girls are still waiting, and then we go back inside where some people are putting on armor things, and generally acting like morons.

Oh god. Next thing you know he'll be wearing short skirts.

Then it looks like everybody gets to go through some haunted-house like thing, wielding visors straight out of every late-80's scifi anime ever and guns that look like they came off an NES.

Like, every popular scifi anime ever.

So a thingy pops up and En or whatever the hell her fake name is she'll be dead in eight more episodes just straight up grabs both her brother and Mamoru and starts gleeing all over the place. Like, holy god kids these days are just plain loose. So poor Usagi is left all alone, and notices her dad is up ahead.

If it makes you feel better, I never did.

Then the male rivalry thing begins because I guess being on the same team is just so passe.

Yes, because this makes complete sense.

Also, can I just say what an idiotic idea it is to have the background behind the characters a similar color to their hair? Because seriously, what moron let that one slip past? While we're on that, what's the motivation here, precisely? Mamoru is clearly not interested in either one of these girls, and Ali is all like "rar you have a penis so I must hate you as you are competition", but then suddenly they're bitter rivals out of nowhere, despite having looked at one another up until this point?

I don't care what culture you're from, this doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Then they go around shooting lasers at static images that are far from threaten-HOLY WHAT.

Evil Ultraman?! How'd you get in here?

Of course the girls can't let the guys do all the competing so they get into a thing, and then a monster pops up behind them and En all jumps on Mamoru again, who finally seems to be at the limit of the annoyance he can put up with. I can totally agree with him there.

Yeah, he prefers to be doing the pushing.

Then Usagi agrees with him and goes running off after another image scares the crap out of her, leaving the twins to stand there, wondering just what they're gonna do now that Mamoru has gone chasing after the other girl.

En says something like "Love is something you take by force right?" and Ali is all like, "the hell are you talking about bitch?" So she covers up her transgression by pretending to be low on energy, so it's time to enact their ingenious plan of vastly limiting the number of people they can consume energy from.

Outside, the other girls are still waiting to get in, and they kindly cut immediately to Ali holding out a bunch of cards, because that's what he always does. And, like always, En picks the card: Today's monster, Hell Ant. No, that is its actual name. Hell Ant. Truly they are going all out with these Cardians.

It's like you're straight out of Mega Man this time.

Then we get the midpoint slide and hopefully the rest of this episode flies by because christ I have a stupid number of images of just stupid things already. So stupid.

Up ahead Shingo and Dad are wandering around, when they hear folks up ahead getting the life sucked out of them. What could it be? Guess they better go check it out.

Dude, you do realize those aren't real lasers... right?

Elsewhere, Usagi and Mamoru are busy showing just how terrible she is at this thing, and then Mamoru is all "screw this, I want the high score!" and they begin charging through the rest of the course while he, y'know, does that thing where he is amazingly perfect at everything. Enter the dream sequence where she sees Tuxedo Mask and then OH GOD NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.

Because dreaming of two men at once is totes pure.

But when she snaps back to reality, Shingo is tugging on her hand, presumably to let her know that her dad is getting raped and sucked dry by a monster. Haaaa. So off Mamoru runs with Shingo, because it's not like she's ever good for solving anything at all, so she runs off.

So once again the girls are still waiting outside to get in, but at least this time they are just about to get inside, so they cut back to the fight inside, which is less a fight and more a monster beating up on helpless individuals. That is until Mamoru and Shingo show up, and Mamoru straight up throws his backpack and pegs Hell Ant in the back of the head, which probably would've caused some serious damage if she weren't, y'know, a monster.

Now he has its attention, the dad somehow finds a fire extinguisher which hits her in the back, really aggravating her now.

Wait, why is there a fire extinguisher AND a hose?!

Of course this tactic proves useless, and now all three guys are tangled up and getting drained. Cue Sailor Moon's transformation sequence. Everyone but Mamoru gets knocked out, who tries to be all heroic and shit, and then Sailor Moon arrives on the scene, much to Ali's delight. So she starts off with the tiara because let's just end this thing right here and now okay?

Except that uh, it doesn't work at all.

If only she could take fighting seriously.

But then, amazingly, ARABIAN MASK APPEARS.

I'm so sexy, look at how high my crotch is.

He introduces himself to everyone, and it's pretty clear that Mamoru is not the White Knight, who tries to spout some sagely wisdom about not looking to start fights but totally finishing the f**k out of them when provoked, and pretty much cuts the thing right the hell up. Slice. Then, like a samurai, he puts his dagger away and some of its tentacles fall to the ground, but I guess he's underestimating it since it pretty much picks him up and prepares to drain his energy too. Either that or probe his uncomfortable places. Eugh.

Then magically the other scouts show up to save the day for everyone involved, at which point Usagi cries about just how friggin' useless she is. Which is to say, more useless than usual since her tiara doesn't work anymore? So basically, she can't fight, which means she should probably just hang up this whole fighting evil thing. Then Jupiter and Venus finish off Hell Ant and I guess that's that, as Ali and En just vanish. At which point the Knight gives his Frenchy sendoff and runs off, while Mamoru is left wondering what the hell is going on.

At this point, I guess the caretakers have realized something is up, and the girls up and vanish when Mamoru turns his back.

Back at the house, Shingo cries because of how much his wounds hurt, and his mom is pretty much being a bitch about it. She's sore about being left at home all by herself. Meanwhile, usagi sits there, brooding about how actually useless she is now, and how confused she is because she likes two guys at once or something.

If you've ever gotten the feeling that they weren't exactly sure where they were going with this whole story arc? Well, welcome to filler episodes. Expect more of it.

Now I just have to sit back and wait for the next episode of Free! to hit. At least they gave me a week to not think about that crap...