Sailor Moon R Episode 05 - A New Transformation! Usagi Powers Up

Look, let's just get one thing straight here: I *want* to like Sailor Moon. Truly. It's got all the things that I should like in a show. But for some reason, everything about this show just infuriates me instead. I have a low tolerance for stupidity I guess, and that's one thing this show has in spades - just pure idiocy.

It doesn't help that the plots are about as well-thought-out as some of the shit you find over at fanfiction.net. Wait, I take that back. I'm pretty sure some of the shit there is better thought out. Yes, that includes anything involving a self-insert rape fantasy (and isn't that pretty much every fanfic out there?).

I guess rape is a pretty high note to end on, so let's get this train wreck derailing.

Today, we revisit yet another anime trope - the cherry blossom viewing ceremony. In today's episode, the villains will summon a crazy Miko (or Japanese Priestess, look it up) to attack Sailor Moon, who still can't use her tiara and is 50% more useless than usual. Awesome. You know it's bad when Sailor Mercury has become a better offensive caster than your leader. Seriously, why even bother transforming if you literally can't even fight back?

Oh, and then there's this thing where she can't even transform anymore, so whoopdie-doodle-dee.

So the episode opens up with En telling Ali about the flower viewing thing, and how it must be an amazingly awesome idea to crash the parties and soak up all the energy. Oh, and Ali talks about how when their clan was in power back in the day, the Doom Tree used to bloom too. Cue title slide.

Tokyo Tower, Tokyo. There are loads of people out watching the cherry blossoms bloom, including all the girls we know. But of course they're having the viewing ceremony at the school, because why the hell not. Then Umino is sitting under a tree all by himself, looking for Naru while repeatedly saying her name every two seconds as if he's having some kind of orgasmic experience. Christ dude, chill out. It's not like you can possibly mess this thing up any worse than you usually do.

Then the girls show up and he's waiting for them, since literally last night. He seriously slept there overnight, in order to save them all a spot for the flower viewing ceremony. Sadly enough, that's nothing even remotely close to some of the weirder shit this show has put me through. In fact, this is almost... normal.

When this becomes 'normal' for your show? You're
in trouble.

Well, glad to see his stalkerish tendencies haven't changed at all. But you know what has changed? Naru. She gets all blushy and stuff that Umino would do something like this for her...

...and then she zips the sleeping bag up over his face, leaving only a moment of silence before inviting everyone else to have lunch.

I really don't know how to feel about this. I mean, this is just creeping me out for some reason. Like, to be completely serious, she performed that action like some kind of crazy serial killer just nonchalantly dumps a body into the basement. Like someone disposes of an empty can in the trash. She literally did not feel a thing.

And the worst part? NOBODY ELSE CARES.

So they go on for awhile, eating lunch without him, until eventually he manages to free himself or something.

Ha ha yeah remember that time I totally snuffed you even
thought you totally saved my life that one time? Good times.

So for background, they keep using the same animation plate of them sitting in front of the tree, while things move across the screen.

This is your background plate. They don't even move.

Occasionally, a character pops up over top of them to talk, like in the previous image. This is the kind of technique you see used in some old-school RPGs, complete with the super-thick character outlines to make them stand out from the background plate, while taking on a somewhat chibi (or slightly-deformed, as opposed to super-deformed) appearance. But for something that is supposed to see TV? This is just plain damned lazy.

So they talk about food to eat, Naru gives Umino a bento, someone brings MacRonall's (no seriously), and everyone eats. Except Natsume who has "beautiful energy waiting for her". Yep, totally not an evil alien named En at all.

Of course Usagi just assumes that she's going to be leeching off of everyone else, Rei makes fun of Usagi for doing that in the first place, and then Rei gets innocently slipped a sandwich with hot sauce squirted all over it. Women, am I right?

I take it back. The background plate has about three frames of animation of people pretending to move and talk, but you just can't notice it until after about three minutes or so, when Rei starts literally shooting fire out of her mouth.

Yep, that's fire alright.

Literally, this is the kind of thing that seems to happen in just about every anime ever. I'm exaggerating a little bit, sure, but as anyone who has watched a fair amount of it can attest, this whole sequence is nothing new. It's not even particularly well-animated! So why the hell is this show considered popular again, if this is the way they treat their fans on a regular basis?

Then they return to animating as little bit as they can possibly get away with, and then they suddenly transition to the next scene without warning. No, I mean literally, the teacher is in the forefront, overlaid over the scene, and the background just transitions in behind her, as her thick outlines suddenly vanish. It's a subtle thing, but not something that is generally recommended. Like ever. Unless it's some kind of psychological trip anime or something, which this is decidedly not.

Anyways, now they all go off to enjoy themselves and see what else is going on at the ceremony, and Ali is off in the distance looking at Usagi all forlorn-like, muttering pansy things like "beautiful" to himself while his sister just nonchalantly stands next to him. She won't have an issue with that at all, nope, not her.

Oh, but clearly he totally wasn't talking about Usagi, he was talking about them cherry blossoms. Uh huh. Sure. She doesn't even seem mad. Maybe because they're about to eat their energy anyways or something. So they turn into aliens and prepare to do their thing.

So what's today's monster going to be called?

The suspense is leaving me in suspense.

Guess we'll find out later because more cherry blossoms. Umino and Naru are sharing a moment. By which I mean to say, he's getting on her nerves by calling her a pretty girl and basically hitting on her.

Except for that one time when I was Tuxedo Mask.

Their tender little moment is interrupted by a ghostly glowing tree. Then they get caught in an alien teleport beam filled with cherry blossoms, and they collapse on the ground. Plot twiiiiiist. Then the teacher runs over to see what happened, and she meets our monster of the day.

Memoirs of an evil Geisha Ghost

So she appeals to the ghost monster for help, and winds up getting energy drained too. Whoops. Then Usagi and the cats are at some office, where they learn several other folks have collapsed for no good reason. Then they just kind of cut to where they are outside, where Artemis is all "yeah they got energy drained". Cool story bro. Y'know, for having taken freaking forever to get through the first half of this episode so far, they are now suddenly forcing things forward, almost to the point where it's a little unnatural. I understand time constraints and all that, but don't you think you could have at least spread things out a little bit...?

Oh, it seems like Usagi is the last one to the whole "energy sucking vampire" party, because everyone else is mysteriously already out looking for this evil creature. Which they find stuck in a tree.

Goofy or terrifying, PICK ONE. YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH.

Then they get attacked by cherry blossom laser alien abduction beam thingies, and it's up to Usagi to save the day!

Oh. Wait. I thought she couldn't use any of her powers now? Guess she didn't get the memo or something. Or she forgot that HER POWERS ARE COMPLETELY USELESS. After the break she runs up as Sailor Moon and realizes her friends are in trouble and WHAT THE HELL IS AMI WEARING?

No seriously what the hell is that? Captain Planet?!

Then the monster comes out towards Sailor Moon, just narrowly missing her.

I've heard of making tracks but this is ridiculous.

Then we get what is probably going to be the only decent shot of this creature, which is really just a person with roots twisted around her legs.

They thought long and hard on this design folks!

So then she goes to throw the tiara thingy, but like last time, just kind of flubs out and gets smacked away, while her friends tell her not to look into the monster's eyes. Then it pounces right on top of her, making it basically impossible, and then her energy gets sucked away. Guess that's the end of the show because her transformation gets undone, and the monster starts sprouting more blossoms.

Then she begins to sink into the ground, with her friends crying out for her, and Luna goes in for the save, but only gets dragged into the ground along with her useless master. Then the girls scream, and the Doom Tree explodes into light from all the energy gathered.

This monster's name is Reci, and her masters command her to get more energy.

Anyhoo, Usagi is falling through a light-filled void while hugging her cat, asking it for advice. What should she do now? She can't transform, and is completely powerless. But the whole thing is, this whole 'being powerless' thing is all in her head. Truth is, her heart just isn't into this whole fighting monsters at night thing, because she just wants to be a normal girl still.

.... wait what.

I mean, okay, I get where you're going with this. But seriously? F***ing seriously!? THAT is the source of her powerlessness? The fact that she is literally holding herself back from saving her goddamned friends because SHE WANTS TO BE JUST A NORMAL GIRL?! If that's the case, why is she able to even transform in the first goddamn place if her heart really wasn't into this whole justice fighting thing in the first place? Even better, why does she even bother??

MAYBE YOU COULD STOP BEING A WHINY LITTLE
BITCH FOR A CHANGE, DID THAT EVER OCCUR?

Then she loses all of her clothes and appears out of a bubble, and is still hugging her cat. A voice calls out, and she looks over to see a bunch of little bubbles turn into a fairy version of her first mom. Y'know, the one that has been dead for a few centuries or so, who sacrificed herself like a boss because, well, that's just how hardcore she was?

Dude, you died. So why do you keep showing up like you're not?

So now they're inside of Usagi's "soul" I guess, but her old mom is still somehow able to show up to help out for some reason. Oh, but then her broach is magically there, and it lights up and they are in gowns and her mom is her usual size, and there's the Silver Crystal in between them. Which was protected by her whole sacrificing her life to save all of her friends, just like her mom did a really long time ago. Though really, I thought that was more just to stick it to Beryl and be all "screw it I'm done" rather than a conscious effort?

So the Silver Crystal turns her broach into something new, and the Queen tells Luna to keep the Princess safe. Oh, and by the way, the Silver Crystal is kind of still weak, but no worries, some day your desire to protect your friends will probably magically recharge it, so no big deal. Oh, and now she gets a new transformation line: "Moon Crystal Power Makeup."

Okay. Let me make sure I get this right. The whole reason any of her friends have gotten hurt, or the fact that she lost all of her powers, is directly related to the fact that she didn't really want to be doing any of this stuff in the first place. Oh, but you suddenly give her the equivalent to a magical NUKE, and then she's all willing to dispense some justice?

This is not character development. This is just Deus ex Bullshit Machina.

Truth is they just wanted to sell a new toy.

So it does some old computer startup music bullshit, she gets a new transformation sequence complete with new music, and everything else is basically the same. Making this officially the lamest new transformation sequence IN ALL OF EXISTENCE. Because nothing says powered-up transformation like one that is exactly the same as the old one.

Except that this one begins with sprouting magic wings from her back that vanish two seconds later. Yeah, because that's improved.

Anyhow, all the girls are stuck in a tree, Reci is screaming her name at a white cat, and Artemis is all like "aw hell now what." Then the moon glows, Sailor Moon say something stupid, and she appears out of the ground to dispense some justice.

Then the monster starts doing it's thing again, and despite the new transformation, Sailor Moon is still as useless as she's always been. But her friends lives are on the line, so maybe she could stop being useless? Nope, she has to wait for the Moonlight Knight to save her, before she can save everyone else.

Considering how much of a dick he is right now, if he
isn't at least part Mamoru, I will be surprised.

It takes a real frickin' douche to save someone's life, then go "Yeah, you're the only one who can possibly save your friends, pull it together". Despite having already demonstrated that he can basically cut any enemy in half. So, Moonlight Knight? You're a prick.

But then! From the moon, her dead mother's voice calls out, and drops a Moonlight Scepter for her to use - because they needed to be able to sell more toys.

Just like the old one, but a little more gaudy.

Also it plays the most annoying music in the world while it starts up, then some really crappy "Sailor Mooooon, Sailor Mooooon" vocals start playing after that, and she waves the Scepter and the monster is cleansed and this fight is over. How sad for Ali and En.

Afterwards, the Moonlight Knight sticks around long enough to 'congratulate' her for a job well done.

I question your definition of 'good job'. Unless you're being
sarcastic. In which case you're still a prick.

Blah blah her courage is better than the beauty of the cherry blossoms, then her friends thank her for not being a completely useless turd, and then Rei starts being all "should've saved us sooner" and then they start doing the fighting thing. Oh, but they end it on a light note by having Sailor Moon see her mom flying across the moon, while cherry blossoms fly past.

... that's exactly the kind of thing you'd imagine I would be making up.

Except that I'm really not lying.

It's at moments like this, after watching a show of this quality, that I have to ask myself: Why the f**k do I still watch anime?