Strike Witches Episode 04 - Thanks

I've watched a lot of shows in the time I've been watching anime. Come to think of it, I guess I've been doing that for the last twelve years now. Seems like a long time, but it also feels like not so long ago I started watching stuff.

But in that twelve years, there has only been one other show which has filled me with so much anger and vitriol as this show does. And no, I'm not talking about that other show. Dear god no. That one just makes me question what little faith in humanity I have left. No, I'm talking about Peach Girl. Never before have I dropped an anime before the second show because it left me filled with so much rage that I wanted to physically destroy something. Like, with my bare fists. At the time, I was considering flipping over my desk and slamming it against a wall.

Of course, my reasons for hating Peach Girl and hating this show are totally different. Upon talking with other folks, it seems like Peach Girl is one of those kinda-true-stories. So I hate it because of the drama. But this show? I hate this show simply because it is so goddamned awful.

Right, so does anybody remember what happened last episode? Because I sure don't. But that's okay, I'm sure they'll recap us in three, two, one...

Because the things you believe are always true in these shows.

Right. 30 second recap before the intro, in case, like me, you totally forgot what happened between last week and this week. Because if you really like a show, you're totally not gonna forget this stuff.

At least it's still better than telling you what's in the episode before you'll watch it. Regardless, if you can just summarize the things that have happened in a very short period of time, maybe you should reconsider the pacing for your show. So far it all boils down to, "a young girl joined a magical military group, and made a friend who now believes in her power." And you know what? We just completely took out the first three episodes of this show. You could've condensed the first two episodes into one, and maybe let it spill over into the last episode a little bit, and you know what you'd have probably gotten? Way better character development.

Anyhow, when we get back to the episode, some town or other is burning, and the Witches are all looking up at this stealth-fighter looking thing firing lasers at them, and they're all "damn youuuuu!" and start shooting their puny little non-magical bullets at it. At least they're starting this episode off with a dash of excitement. Then the core is destroyed and the shards rain down on the city below, which is already on fire so we're not really losing much, and some girl wakes up screaming in bed. By the way, she sleeps naked.

By which I mean to say, completely nipple-seeing naked.

Japan, I know we have some differences on that whole age thing, but this show? It's all about teenaged girls. So why you thought this would ever be tasteful, I honestly can't even imagine. Anyhow, I think this character might be Gertrude. I could totally be wrong. It's actually impossible to tell some of these characters apart in the dark, because their hair takes on the same f***ing color. Also, hairstyles are totally unimportant when their hair is long  and totally not done up.

So the two most useless additions to the team are busy cooking and talking the next morning about how some team was dispatched to search for a single child. But not just a team, mind you. AN ENTIRE FREAKING BASE.

Some military tacticians might refer to this as a gross
waste of military resources. But that's just me.

But wait, it gets better.

War is hell, kid.

Of course, given the fact that the military of this alternate-Earth is about as much use as a box of tissues is to someone that's on fire, it's probably all for the best. Then Gertrude (who seems was the person that has nightmares and sleeps naked) is being all surly and shit at the breakfast table, then walks off. Do you know what the next scene is? Let me paint a picture for you. Imagine a camera panning to the left, showing you a bunch of people standing in front of the food counter. Now imagine that the camera is placed so as to only show the lower half of these young women, none of whom are wearing any pants.

Welcome to Strike Witches.

Anyhow, Gertrude is being moody, and the others are wondering what's up. Is she not hungry or something? Because that's unusual.

Because clearly hungry people stare at their food all morning.

Then the show continues with some just utterly atrocious character art. Hell, the entire room itself feels bland and uninviting, as if you could get more semblance of soul out of an Ikea store. Just take a look at this shit for yourself.

Can you spot all the errors in this picture? I'm counting
at least five.

Seriously, that is just gross to look at, from an artist's perspective. Look at Lucchini's arm, it looks like it's just literally floating there. And what happened to her wrist? It's like she's been turned into a goddamn puppet! Then you've got Charlotte there, whose anatomy seems to be suffering from a lack of boobage. No, not only is her chest smaller, she's actually missing a breast. Not to mention the way the perspective utterly fails to exist there. She also suffers from rubber-wrist syndrome, and not only that, look at that hand. Speaking of hands, have you seen the size of Lucchini's plate there? Not only is the perspective way off, but that thing is just goddamn tiny. That's a goddamned tea saucer, not something you serve food on.

Yes, I know they're just using tiny plates, but it just looks super damn awkward when the character holding it looks as though their physiology itself is being changed by the eldritch horrors which live in the oceans.

Anyhow, Whatsherbutt walks off without so much as a word, and blondie there is all "yeah, these beans suck, totes can't blame her for walking away like that". Of course, our heroine counters that natto is good for you, and Mio seemed to like it so...

Of course, that means we automatically trigger the tsundere-lover-position-reversal switch.

This means she is now contractually obligated to love
that food she just called disgusting.

Alternatively, she could just get offended that not even she gets to refer to her in such a casual manner. At least she sticks to her guns by saying she can't abide the horrible smell, even if it is to her unrequited love's liking.

Next the useless girls are doing laundry while some others are out flying. Pantsu count is now through the roof, because if a young girl is in any given shot, most likely it will be from down below to show off their lovely choice in lack of any legwear. Despite at least tights being somewhat practical, considering they'll probably be flying at speeds exceeding a hundred miles per hour.

So Charles Barkley- I mean, Miss Barkhorne, is falling behind in her exercises today, probably because she's suffering from nightmares and not telling anyone. Sucks when your best person is down because they're cracking under the pressure.

So the two commanders of the team are wondering what to do about this, and how it all seems to stem from the fact that this began as soon as Yoshi turned up on the base. So you know what this means? It's time for the buddy cop comedy routine, where you take the worst person and set them up with the best person and watch as they try not to kill each other.

Then this happens. Twice.

Of course, she ignores the tsundere and looks over to the two who were just flying. Then Gerty is all giving her the stink eye and walks off, leaving Yoshi to get yelled at while being confused.

Then we get to see Gerty having  a flashback in her room, wondering why she's remembering things now. In this instance, that little girl at the end of her dream is in critical condition at the hospital and not waking up or some such. Little girl is her sister I guess, and she's about to be shipped off with the doctor to Britannia. Don't worry, it'll be totally safe there. Spoilers: Everyone there will die.

But he'll go off with her blessing, so it's all good.

Then the next morning rolls around, and Yoshi is running late. Or maybe it's later in the same day? I have no idea. She's late because she was too busy cleaning and slapping people with wet mops. Also, making casual observations.

Whatever might have given you that idea?

Then they talk about how Gerty is just a mean old sourpuss fart to everyone, and Yoshi shouldn't take it personally. Then we enter and outdoor scene, which features some truly vomit-inducing artwork that looks as though it was done by a flu-ridden middle-schooler.

When your backgrounds look better than your characters,
you know your art department is in serious shit.

Anyhow, tomorrow they're going to be mounting an offensive so today they should just relax and try not to have any massive panic attacks over any lost family members due to the war. Unless you're one of the two more useless new recruits. You two get training.

Then Yoshi shows us just how much of a backwater hick she is by slurping tea.

Didn't this bitch grow up in Japan? I'm pretty sure even in the goddamn country they are all YOU WILL DRINK YOUR TEA WITH DIGNITY OR DISEMBOWEL YOURSELF. But who knows, maybe I'm wrong.

Then they follow up with a super-forced crotch-thrusted-at-you shot of Mio that slowly pans up to show her smiling as she watches over the new recruits. In turn, she is being watched by someone else.

Maybe because the new girl wouldn't eat the peanuts
out of Mio's shit? Just a thought.

Then Gerty is all watching from a window and sees her sister in the new girl and we go to dinner, and Minna is walking about being an all-round creepy chick.

Paint 'er green and make her explode when she gets close.

Then some girls are sitting in the most awkward shower ever, talking about how they just got their salaries. Based on context, I'm going to guess it's Yoshi and Lynne. I guess Minna just gave Yoshi her salary. Though, probably not Minna's salary? I can see how that might get confusing.

I don't think I'd want to be anywhere near this thing
when I was naked.

Also, more nipples on under-aged girls because that is a thing which is totally acceptable. Most shows are decent enough to casually obscure that thing, because that is what one might consider tasteful. But in a show where all the girls are of questionable age (particularly the one here)? I might not make a big deal out of it if it weren't for the fact that this show panders so goddamn hard.

Then they get to talking about the exchange rates: Fuso uses the Yen as currency, and they're trying to figure out just how much Yoshi just earned. Then Mio comes in and tells them what's what. She has a towel, and holds it in front of her, but does she bother covering anything up? NOPE.

At this point, Yoshi does some math, and realizes that with what she just got paid, she can eat a shitton of rice back home.

There's more to life than rice yanno.

Then Mio drops the next bombshell: That's only a half-month's pay, which prompts Yoshi to ask the question: Why do they get paid so much?

Gee, it probably has nothing to do with the fact that you are risking your lives to protect the planet or anything. Or the fact that you are engaged on the frontlines of a war. Yeah, I'm sure it likely has nothing to do with either of those things. So while Mio talks about the logistics of being in a position where you can die at any point, they decide to show us some lovely shots of her utterly naked figure, because hey, the thing says she is totally 19 so that excuses the fact that she looks about as old as any of the other girls on the team. Which is to say, she actually looks 15.

And of course, who is lurking behind a wall nearby? You guessed it: your very own Perrine. You know what's most disgusting about this shot though? The fact that, despite hiding behind a pillar, and despite having a hand which is conveniently placed in the right spot, you STILL MANAGE TO SEE HER F***ING NIPPLE.

It doesn't even look anatomically correct either. It's just tacked on there because they wanted everyone in this scene to have goddamned nipples.

Then Mio goes to shower and we get another full-body pan of her completely naked body. That's the third time in less than two minutes, I think we get the freaking point. They're naked. Great. So glad you decided to focus on this incredibly important detail.

Oh, and then Yoshi makes me want to drive a frickin' buick into her face. Her entire goddamn face.

NO STOP JUST SHUT UP NO STOP AUUUUUUGH.

This character infuriates me to no end. You are being compensated because you are being placed in a dangerous position. That is a normal thing. It's called being f***ing humane. You don't send people to war and not expect them to have something waiting for them when they get home. No, you pay them, because you're putting them into an incredibly dangerous position. That's just common sense. Every army ever in the history of man-frickin'-kind has been paid. Hell, for some armies, they went to war just so they could continue to get paid.

Also, more nipples for no reason.

Then Lynne talks about her family, and Yoshi gets the idea to send her money back home to her family. After the bath, Yoshi is drinking milk in a towel, when Perrine starts going off on her for everything that's happened today, with the whole taking a bath with the Major thing being the last straw. Then she calls her a raccoon-dog.

Hold on, wait, is that.... is that emotion you're trying to convey?

Eventually, Minna comes by to break up the shouting, which is really just Perrine being mad because the newbie is so chummy with the person she was a girl-crush on. Hell, she's even just being pretty blatant about the whole thing at this point. It's like she's not even trying to hide the fact that she wishes she could have a massive throbbing hard-on for her.

Then Yoshi sleeps and narrates the letter she wrote home, while Gerty is busy looking out the window not sleeping, at which point Minna asks if this is about her sister. Then we get into the whole spiral of depression thing about if only they'd been faster blah blah with Minna trying to act the part of the consoling teammate. Eventually, she casually suggests that, hey, maybe you should use up all those vacation days you've got lying around.

Much like the artists have dedicated theirs to drawing
close-up shots of under-aged ass.

Anyhow, she is much too busy now to visit her sister, who while still alive, is more or less dead to her anyway. Boy, someone has some issues. And would you believe, we are only just now getting the commercial break, 14 minutes into the episode?

So today they... are doing flight training? But wait, I thought they were doing some major offensive today? Nevermind that now, we're doing flight training instead. Today's topic: Flying in formation. Mio uses this as an excuse for the worst buddy cop pair-up in the history of mankind. All she has to do is follow the leader, and do as she says. Then you get some German-talk about flight formations blah blah stop trying to pretend you're an actual military show. It's just irritating at this point because you clearly don't understand a damn thing about the military to begin with.

Oh, also, they're splitting up and pitting the teams against one another. So in this case, Grumpycat and Hopegirl get to chase Mio and Uselesscannon. Of course, this is also the best time for an actual enemy attack to happen, right? So much for the training right?

Suddenly, they are joined by Perrine and Lynne, who mere moments ago were down on the ground. Let's just ignore the fact that they magically showed up in formation. So they get shuffled around yet again - Yoshi sticks with the Major now, and Perrine takes Yoshi's spot. I'm not sure I'd want both the newbies on my team, but since when do they ever make decisions that amount to anything resembling sound thinking?

Today's alien attacker: A spinny thing of death! Joy.

Then everyone moves in and they start attacking this thing while they switch from 2D-rendered characters to 3D for seemingly zero reason whatsoever. Like... seriously no reason. Whatever, they start trying to tear this thing up, and they notice that Gerty is being a little bit, well, overzealous today. As in, she's totally ignoring all those sound tactics she usually utilizes, like always keeping your wingman in sight. So she dodges a shot, but barely gives Perrine time to block it (since she was right behind), and eventually she runs into Gerty's back, who is then attacked and barely manages to not get hurt in the process, though she does lose a gun.

You can do details like this, but you can't QC your
character artwork? For shame.

Oh yeah and then we get a lovely close-up of her crotch as she goes rocketing towards the ground. Of course Perrine is all freaking out, and Yoshi decides to dive after their teammate because, well let's be honest, it isn't as if she was really going to be doing anything else during this fight. Like fighting.

So together team Tsun and team Dumb manage to bring the ace to the ground safely, and they immediately begin to strip her down.

Let's just ignore every other time you failed to do that.

Meanwhile, the giant lawn-dart is still threatening the other three up in the sky.

Honestly not sure what other comparison can be made.

So Yoshi starts trying to heal her wounds, and Perrine is all making sure they don't get hit by lasers of doom, and Gerty wakes up. She starts doing the "leave me to die or you will die" speech, but of course this isn't going to dissuade our hero at all. Besides, you have a really shitty argument to make here.

What, you want her to heal them to dea- oh I see that's
actually very clever of you. Bravo.

But blah blah she keeps going on about how her life should be sacrificed and Yoshi is all "you are way more useful than I could ever be if you live" and then Gerty takes this time to be a real downer. Then blah blah she knows she can't protect everyone but refuses to abandon someone that's injured and she wants to help as many as possible etc etc, which finally makes her shut the hell up for three seconds. Then Gerty is about to get overwhelmed, and Yoshi passes out just as Perrine gets knocked down from the enemy attack.

There's a thing called Post Traumatic Stress. You may have heard of it? Well, now their fighting ace is suffering from it, as she immediately begins to recall what happened to her sister.

Sadly, this is actually a good transition.

Of course, this is the moment when she takes Yoshi's words to hart, steals her gun, and goes flying off to be a little kill-stealing little whore. Because seriously, the other three were handling things pretty well, but they reveal the core and she just rushes in and kills the damn thing, because what she really needs are more kills to pad her count at this point. Bitch.

Way to steal all the damn credit.

Then Minna gets all pissed off and slaps the shit out of her for acting all recklessly. Darn, and she was just starting to feel all happy again too. Welp, so glad that character development happened. Then Minna goes on about being a team, the bonds of friendship and being a family, so on and so forth. Then they share the most awkward hug ever, because only one of them has an arm to actually hug with at this point.

She looks like she just got surprise sex. Also, where
did that other gun go?

Blah blah melodrama blah, Gerty asks for a vacation to go see her sister. Back at base, Yoshi is all "man I totally didn't do shit" which... is what you wanted to do all along? But technically speaking you managed to not actually kill someone with your healing power (or to aggravate their wounds which I guess is a bonus), so I guess there is that at least. Also, I don't think she is standing in a very safe place.

I dunno about you, but that seems incredibly unwise.

Then Perrine shows up to say thanks, and then Yoshi gets a surprise hug from Gerty's partner from behind, and everyone is happy. Yay.

Finally, we get to see Gerty getting ready to go off on her vacation, as she says to herself that she'll have to thank her someday, and we get to see the picture that she had face-down for like, the entire episode. Spoiler alert: Her looks exactly the way they portrayed her earlier in the episode. Which is to say, a lot like Yoshi.

At this point, I don't think I've got the energy left to be angry. Instead. I'm just bitter and hollow. Just like this f***ing show.