Free! Episode 06 - No Breathing Shock!

As promised, here is today's post. A little late, due to a combination of factors I like to call "being really friggin' tired". Fact is, by the time I had the chance to sit down and watch this one, I was already well past the deadline and still completely exhausted from my day.

Okay, so if I remember correctly from last week, this show decided it was going to stop trying to be silly and implement some Super Serious Shit. Extra emphasis on the last word there. Let's see how well they perform.

So because it wants to drop us right into the action, today they're starting off right at the end of last week's episode, with the lovely reminder that swimming at night alone in the rain is really stupid idea.

Do I really even have to recap this crap? Mako wakes up, sees a moron drowning in the water, and he freaks out and goes diving in. Then we get an intro. I mean, hey, I give 'em props where it's due, if I were taking this show seriously at all, I'd probably think that was a pretty decent intro. But then you remember this show is basically all about showing young guys with chiseled bodies glistening with water and go "oh yeah, I forgot this is an eyecandy show".

I'd like to take just a moment to point out that there's two ways to interpret this whole Rei swimming at night by himself thing. On the one hand, I'm really tempted to call it horrible character syndrome, where the smart guy does something so characteristically stupid that it defies all logic. Especially for someone who so thoroughly 'researches' things. On the other? Given all the characters are like, 17, this could also be a dig at the sordid state of actual education at work here - no matter how 'smart' the schools say you are, the reality is that kids are pretty damn stupid, even if they are practically adults now.

But then I remember this is Japan, not America, so odds are this is just Really Horrible Character syndrome where the smart guy makes Questionable Decisions. Glad we debunked that!

So after the intro the other two are just sleeping in the tent, then woken up by Mako calling out for Rei, and decide to go investigate in the storm. Turns out the other tent is empty, wherever could they have gotten off to.

If you can identify why I think this is hilarious, then
your mind is in the gutter. Where it should be.

So they look around and take a gander out at the ocean, and see two forms bobbing among the waves. Then we get into the wet and wild action of Rei starting to drown, and there's some flashbacks from Mako's past, and Haru tells Nagi to make himself useful and to tell Ms Ama what's going on because, like every protagonist he too is going to put his life at risk to save some other idiots from drowning.

Personally, when there are waves taller than me, I think that's a damn good time to stay the hell out of the water, but that's just me.

Okay, so they're all just stupid. Got it.

So Nagi and Haru go in to save the other two, with Haru snagging Mako, and Nagi going in for Rei. He quickly regrets this decision.

Wasn't there a movie like this with some ship?

And then everybody drowned. At least that's what I'd like to say. Haru gets back to shore with Mako, falling onto the shore, and Mako is unconscious. So now's the perfect time for Haru to start freaking out and calling people for help. If only they hadn't decided to camp out so far away from other people. Or if only someone had listened and gotten other people to help. Whoops. Turns out this was a really fantastic idea for everyone involved.

And then a million girls squealed with joy.

If you bothered to notice the title of today's episode and didn't see this one coming, then you are a bigger fool than I give you credit for. Because this whole thing was just so that two characters could be seen 'kissing'. Under the guise of attempting to be 'serious'. I'm sure the folks that made this will starkly deny such a flimsy motivating force for this entire 'arc' I suppose it can be called. But let's face it: They're damned dirty liars whose pants are on fire. You don't make a show that is basically just fangirl bait, and then force a situation where two characters lock lips for ANY reason, and not expect to do it under any reason other than wanting to pander to the audience. Because this isn't exactly anything new, being that it's been done by pretty much any other bishie-filled anime to ever come before. The only difference here is that there's a lot less clothes and a lot less sparkles.

So Haru notices that Mako's breathing is incredibly weak, and he sits there debating what he should do. Eventually he gets him into position for CPR, but before he can administer it, Mako winds up saving himself, thus sparing the world of a million 'indirect kiss' memes.

So Mako wakes up, and turns out they washed up on one of the smaller islands, which is fantastic news that means there is no help period. Oh but don't worry Mako, Rei is dealing with Nagi, so they'll be just fine.

First of all, why are you smiling like that you prick. Second,
how the f**k did that boogie board wind up in the same place?!

So Rei is completely ashamed of being a complete idiot about everything, but Nagi is all "look don't worry, let's just go find everyone else". Then they talk about Mako being in the water, and not being his usual self. At which point we switch back to the other group, who are talking about Mako still being scared shitless of the sea, and how once he'd gotten out in the water to save Rei, he just totally froze up instead of being a man and powering through shit. Almost like a human being, except that one usually freezes up before putting their life in mortal danger, not afterwards. But hey, how else did you expect them to get these guys split up into two teams so they could all talk about Mako's problems separately?

Also, can I just take a moment to appreciate how they completely removed all of the dramatic tension they were hyping since last week all in the span of less than five minutes? Because that seems like a really appropriate use of dramatic hyping.

Anyhow, Mako starts apologizing about being such a wet blanket, despite having been the one instigating all of this crap, and how he just wants to swim with Haru again. Oh, and then the other two assholes show up, and everything is happy okay once more.

*sigh* This episode can best be summarized as 'missed opportunity'. But really, what did I expect, that they'd actually follow through on the expectations they were setting, to rise above and become an actually decent anime where people are motivated by real feelings and emotions? Nah, they've gotta skip that thing called character development and just make sure everything gets back to status quo as soon as possible. So glad they spent all of thirty seconds on that whole drowning scare thing, because man that really could have eaten up half an episode if they actually had to deal with real consequences of someone almost drowning.

But that's okay. Because everyone is fine. Which means now they're trapped on an island until the morning.

This would actually be the perfect time to be angry at him
for doing something so stupid. But that'd be "wrong".

Then Rei is all "no I should apologize" and Haru is the one who has to have the balls to be aggravated. But leave it to Nagi to calmly bring everyone to the same level, instead of acting with emotion like real people would. One would think this would be the best time to be all "What the f**k were you thinking going out at night you idiot you could have gotten all of us killed!" Instead, one character just calmly deconstructs the entire situation, because who needs dramatic tension in a show filled with musclebound young men in tight shorts?

So in short, everyone is equally idiots, and they're standing out in teh rain in the middle of the night. They need to find shelter! Good thing there's a light house nearby. It's called the "Sukushima Rest House". Don't let that dilapidated look fool you, I'm sure it's totally safe inside.

Says the guy who two seconds later gets freaked out by
a nonexistent shadow in the night.

Seriously, Haru just asks if Nagi saw that shadow just now, and he makes the girliest freaking cry you have ever heard.

This is actually kind of hilarious. Even in normal context.

Then Haru wants to go explore by himself, but everyone decides to tag along anyways. Nagi finds a flashlight, and they explore the place, which looks almost clean inside. Compared to the outside anyway.

Whatever gave you *that* idea?

I'd say the odds of them finding any food to eat in there are slim to none. This place looks pretty abandoned. Though I have to say, for an abandoned place? Those counters are amazingly clean. But hey, they may as well look for food anyway, right?

There's only one fridge that will ever terrify me. This
one isn't that fridge.

So why does Rei have to check the fridge anyways?

Now they're resorting to terrible puns. Oh my f***ing god.

I love how they can do all of these terrible jokes just completely straight while the music is all THIS IS MYSTERIOUS AND DRAMATIC AND YOU SHOULD BE SCAAARED. There's a thing called "reading the scene" and THIS SHOW IS CLEARLY IGNORING THAT. Dark colors that would normally indicate a serious scene? Ignore that because WE WILL HAVE CLEARLY HAPPY PEOPLE TALKING AND TELLING TERRIBLE JOKES.

So Rei proves he is a total coward, and they decide to use Rock Paper Scissors to determine who will check the fridge. Despite the fact that this building has no power.

And despite the fact that Haru even mentions this fact.

I thought Japan's educational system was supposed to be better than this?

So Rei loses the bet, and opens the fridge to discover...

The most terrifying thing of all time.

An empty refrigerator? Oh no, it's almost like someone intentionally tried to clear everything out before this place was abandoned. Also, the place really does look fairly clean for something that's been 'abandoned'. Seriously, the inside of that fridge was impeccable.

Then Nagi finds aprons for everyone to wear. Why? Because aprons. Also, somehow Haru managed to find both pineapple and mackerel, and is now proceeding to eat it. How? I don't know. Why? Because his character is completely about doing incredibly unrealistic things for no reason. How the hell did he manage to cook that anyways if there's no power?!

Water spoiling. Also, HOW CAN YOU BOIL WITHOUT
POWER IN THE BUILDING?!

So the pass the time by drinking hot water and eating pineapple mackerel. I can't even make this shit up. I wish I could. But I can't. They don't even bother to mention how they could possibly cook ANYTHING on a REMOTE ISLAND with NO POWER. Also, it is super convenient that they just happened to find fish fresh enough to eat. Super. Convenient.

Then Nagi starts hallucinating about what he's actually drinking, trying not to think about drinking hot water, and then they decide what to do next: Sleep until morning when hopefully they can get back to land.

No shit Sherlock? Also, wasn't this what you wanted anyway?

Oh, but Nagi's real issue here isn't that they are trapped on an island, but that they should be using harpoons to catch fish and foraging for mushrooms.

I think I want to kill Nagi. Like, I want to grab him by his tiny little neck, lift him off the ground, and squeeze until his head goes flying off into orbit. That sounds good right about now, yes.

SO CLEVER HA HA HA.

Then they all talk about how it's hard to sleep in this situation, and Nagi says "We can do *that*!" Then we get to see Ama and Gou sleeping in their comfy little lodge room while the rain pours down outside. Oh, and then we *also* get to see Rin and his new worst bestie sleeping in their room, where Rin just wakes up for no real reason at two in the morning. Then he goes back to sleep.

Boy, really glad they bothered to show us THAT because it was super useful to know, and it fleshed out the plot SO MUCH to know these people still exist. That's twenty seconds of my life I didn't need anyway. Kind of like how the 22 minutes I spent taking in this show (actually much longer since I'm writing this too) were just things I didn't really want anyways, so I'm glad I spent it all watching this pile of dribbling shit.

So what's Nagi's grand idea? Take a perfectly-square cardboard box, write everyone's names on it, and toss it like a giant die. Except ignore the fact it will only ever roll in a single direction, therefore completely negating the purpose of two sides.

Oh yeah, let's ignore that too.

Rei gets special treatment, so it's up to him.. to... tell... an embarrassing... story.

WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST FIND A F***ING BOTTLE TO SPIN IN THAT CASE?!?!

Okay so one time I went swimming at night... follow me here
guys, this story is hilari- ooooh wait.

So he tells us a story about how he was on a field trip during 5th grade, and somehow he managed to forget his ziploc-bagged underwear in the bath, which everybody got to see because the teacher wanted to know whose it was. Great story.

NAGI STOP BEING A F***ING CREEPER.

Haru's up next, except he gets to tell us a 'romantic story'. What the f**k Nagi, what is seriously wrong with you? But Haru decides to tackle it anyway, much to the surprise of Mako, who is pretty sure he's never had anything resembling a romantic encounter in his life, since he's pretty much always lounging around in the water. Haru's story is thus: once when he was in grade school, his parents went to climb a mountain, and he goes on to describe the most beautiful, intense, breath-taking thing he's ever seen in his life: A waterfall. They troll you by showing the form of a naked girl inside the waterfall, but truth is, it's really just a waterfall, and Haru is completely as predicted.

Dat transition. What is with him and dolphins?

So Nagi says he's up next, and decides to put on a performance. It is best described as "doing the penguin". I wish I could capture this as a GIF for you, because honestly, there's no other way to describe it. So have this breathtaking image of Nagi doing the Penguin.

He doesn't actually move much if it helps.

So he is upset because nobody can understand his rockhopper penguin imitation. How sad for Nagi. But at least they finally got Mako to laugh, which is probably all he was trying to do in the first place. Now is the perfect time for Rei to ask why Mako has been acting so weirdly, but nope, Haru won't have any of this. Until Mako's all like "nope, gonna tell you anyway".

So, Mako's scared of the ocean. It's storytime! When he was a little kid, he used to live by the ocean, and there was some old fisherman he was pretty good friends with. In the summer, there was a festival where he couldn't catch any goldfish because he had no money, but that old guy showed up and gave him some goldfish, because he was just that friendly sort of guy. Turns out though, later that summer there was a typhoon, and the old guy's boat didn't make it back to the shore, and neither did the old man, whose boat sank 3 km off the coast.

Mako describes himself as not really being sad as much as he was just terrified. He did everything he was supposed to, but those fish still died, and then he made a grave for them and was terrified of the ocean ever since. He's scared because he feels like there's something unknown, lurking in the water, just waiting to go GOTCHA.

Then I guess this is the part where Nagi feels it's appropriate to ask why he even bothered to hold this whole training camp thing (which it is). His reasoning? He wanted to swim with everybody else. That's it. Long as he's swimming with his best buds, he feels they can go anywhere. Sounds like a legitimately good reason, so I won't bash him for that. This time.

Oh but now the rain has stopped, how convenient! And the night sky is pretty awesome, and Rei starts showing them where constellations are, and it doesn't take long for them to start making up stupid constellations (like mackeral and rockhopper penguin). Oh, and then they look like they're floating in space because there's so much water on the ground it's reflecting the sky or something.

Oooooh what?

Then Mako is happy and nothing will ever bother him again the end. Except it's not the end of the episode yet, damnit. In the morning, they look over at the shore, and they wonder how to deal with this. Then Mako is like "ah I'll just swim over it's no big deal I'll be good". At which point, everyone decides to go for a swim, because it's not like that isn't what they came here for in the first freaking place.

Then Rin is out for a jog and happens along their tents, and sees them swimming back towards the shore, wondering just what is going on. Then he runs off, and the women show up to see the boys passed out on the beach, and totally not listening to Gou telling them to wake the hell up and get back in the water.

The end.

Is it really wrong of me to really hope they stop this show at eight episodes? Because looking at the title list, I really don't think they've planned this whole thing out very well, and frankly, there's only so many places a person can go swimming before you start repeating yourself. We'll find out in a couple week's time I guess.